Who am I and what have I done with myself?

When did I turned into a lovesick fool?????? I never was that...I don't want it. I want to return as I was...I dont like it one bit. I'm not a foolish girl waiting after a man....  

I feel sad. I think too much. Bleh. I feel lonely. Loneliness rarely gets to me but sometimes, I guess I let it catch me. I shouldn't, because once loneliness gets you, me, well it sticks until I can manage to outrun it again. I've had an argument with a very close friend and I got hurt. She did the only think someone can do to hurt me. The only thing I'll do everything to prevent. She rejected me. She pushed me away because I wasn't the friend she wanted me to be. I can only be as imperfect as I am. I was rejected. I will push people away, I will reject people. Better push people away then be pushed away. That's why I keep this little people around me. First, I don't need a crowd around me. I've always been wary of people, thank you crappy childhood. People can hurt you, people can sometimes enter your life an wreck it. I've seen it happen to so many people. You settle down with the wrong person and it can ruins you. If you let it, I know. I know. We are always in control of our lives. I'm negative because I cared and I got hurt. A part of me, tells me it's better to be just alone but I know that that voice is not to be listened to. It's the same voice that got me in trouble in the past...when my hair were red, where I did no good in Montreal's streets. Where I took drugs and left college. I don't regret that, I learned. But, on this one...on pushing people away, I know it in me that I shouldn't listen.

Sometimes you think that you straightened you stuff, that you're ok...but I guess we can never be. A part of me, grew twisted and that part will always be twisted. It's part of who I am, I have to accept it. And I did accept it. I am who I am. My past, my fracking childhood made me who I am but sometimes, it just resurfaces and yeah, it sucks. Sorry, I don't feel like being poetic or being a so-called writer who rhymes with his suffering. Screw that. I'm being rejected and all the times I was pushed away as a kid, all the times I wanted to be part of something, I wanted to be accepted, just comes back to me. Making me feel like I did as a kid. Out of place, unloved, alone, like nothing. I hate that, and I know that it's in my hands to make me feel better because i'm not that kid anymore. I just want to be a kid for now, and feel my pain. Thinking about ghostly arms around me...

I had the weirdest dream. It's been haunting me ever since. It's not a nightmare, it's not even extremely symbolic. There was just sensations, or lack of. I dreamed that I was dead. Death in the form of an intense wall of pure blinding light. I died in the light. But I felt no pain, I felt nothing. I was and I wasn't. I felt...nothing. But I felt it. One moment, I was alive. Standing at the foot of a green mountain, the forest was the greenest green and the sky grey, low with heavy rain clouds. Over the trees I could see silver mist fairies languorously dancing to a song only they could hear. I was standing there just being and then, coming down the mountain, was a wall, more like an avalanche of tumbling light. It was immense, encompassing everything, swallowing, transforming all into light. It hit me like a caress even though it had the semblance of a powerful shock wave. Never once was I afraid. It was caresses all around me, a warmth like blankets just off the dryer I took a deep breath I could feel the warm smoke infiltrating my entire being. It was soothing. Then I ceased to be. I knew that I died right there. I was dead. I was no more. I was the light I think. I wasn't alive but I was. It's hard to put it into words. If death feels like that then there's no reasons to be afraid of it. Somehow, I have the feeling it wasn't just a dream. My heart has a mind of its own, twice I had heart surgeries. Did it actually stopped as I was sleeping, dreaming? Did I die for a short moment? I guess I'll never know. But the dream is still with me and it feels like a memory.

It's been a while since I wrote. I feel like apologizing but I have no idea if some people have actually read what I've been writing in the past...but ah...anyway.

Love.

Love...

Love!

Why does it seems like the only thing I have problems with in my life is love? I've had a shitty childhood. Are you born with self esteem and self worth or is it your parents that gives that to you? Either it's been stripped from me or they never showed me I was someone worthy of being. It's been hard but I think I have worked past that. Today I know I am a good person, I am worthy. I love myself. I lacked so much confidence that for many years I hid inside an office doing accounting, knowing I hated it and still doing nothing to change anything. At 29 I found in myself the courage to change career path and do what I should have always done. Medicine. I know it is useless to say that, but had I have more faith in myself...I'm pretty sure I'd be a Generalist Doctor by now(sorry I did a direct translation here in french it's Medecin generaliste.) I could still be one I guess, but it is a choice I am making to be a nurse. I am after all 29 and I would like to have a house with the white picket fence one day in the none too far future. But anyway, the point is...finally that is working out! I have been undoing the walls around me, I am opening up to life, to people. I have been hurt and beaten and now I have been opening myself up again. Going from hiding hunched up in a corner to a strong woman standing on her two feet facing life straight on.

Now I want love.

Maybe I shouldn't be impatient. After all I cant be working on all front all at once. I had many things to straighten out. My life hasn't been normal. At 18, when most people my age are worry free and going to college with their parents smiling at them, me I was crying and running away and doing what I had to do, mainly rebellion... At 23-24 when most people my age are probably having a career, me I was realizing that I had a rough life and I had to work on that before trying to do anything else in my life. It would have been like trying to build a castle on a trembling mountain, or a house on quick sand. Today, I believe I can stop and look back on everything that I have worked on and be proud. Yeah at my age I am not where most people are...where some say I should be...like married, kids, house (like life is suppose to be same for everyone, like there was one frame of reference on life), but well my life hasn't been like everyone's .I had to take different paths.

I think now I'm ready for love. Am I? Is it something I have to work on now? True I have dreamed love, I have written about love. But have I ever really thought about my ability to love? I say I'm unlucky...that guys that I want never end up liking me and guys I don't want...end up wanting me. Maybe it is not really that I am unlucky...maybe I am just doing things wrong? Do I let myself really be with a man I know I don't love and get all...weird with man I would like? Do I push people away unconsciously? I know that when a man confesses is attraction for me I get scared. Why? Why am I scared? My first reaction is to close myself up and try to push that person away. I want love but I am scared of it. Is it easier to dream about, to write about, to sigh about it then...to live it. Then to actually...love...?

?

Dear me. I'm so exhausted. I'm starting to wonder if something is wrong with me. Is it just my job that I'm starting to completely despise or is there something else behind it all? I don't know. I know that I’ve been feeling out of it for a while, maybe I am just going through a phase where my energy is low...I let my completely boring, unfulfilling and pointless job get to me. Usually I'm stronger, I can see the bigger picture and tell myself that I wont be sitting at my despicable desk for all eternity. But lately, it's been getting harder and harder to wake in the morning to face another day of unfulfilling work. I feel like the day where I'll start my classes is always so far away and almost unreal. Maybe I'm just tired...But in way, everything is slowly falling in its places so I should be glad. But it's like that now that I know where I'm going I want to be there already. That's so me...wishing to skip the journey to meet my goals. But aaah, nothing's that easy, I should know, I should know since my life has always been and will always be nothing but a journey.

There's something else also that I'm sure has something to do with it all. I'm in love. Yeah...I am in love. I didn't want to talk about it here where there's a small chances He could read it, but as for the moment I just don't care. It's not as if he didn't know. He knows, I told him and he already knew. I've always been an open book for anyone willing to read, I could certainly not hide the passion I have for him.

It's hard and easy at the same time...It's hard because I wish he could me mine and for the moment it can not be and it's easy because it is...it simply is. I never thought loving could be so easy. As weird as it sounds, I can love him and be satisfied with what he can give me. I am willing to be patient, understanding and strong. It's easy because it's not a sacrifice. Or it is a sacrifice, but one I am gladly making even if in the end my arms stay empty. At least, I will be able to say that for a moment I've lived a passionate affair.

I just feel like talking to someone but I’m at work so I really cant talk to anyone here. I’m just thinking out loud anyway…I cant imagine blabbering about every thing that’s going on in my head to my few friends here. They’d think me nuts…or I’d see the «why is she telling me this» look on their faces. Anywho…

It’s been a while since I’ve felt this happy. Ever since I left my boy friend, I’ve been feeling like I’m finally on the right path. After 3 years of trying in vain to sit and fit into a mould that wasn’t for me, it’s quite liberating. Like coming out from under the water to finally have a breath of air. It’s not that I was unhappy with him, not a all. He was (and is) a very good man. He worked so very hard to build the life he wanted with me and me…well I was too lost to know I didn’t want it. Or that I wasn’t ready for it. He was ready, he’s always been ready. Me…I was trailing behind still struggling with my insecurities and lack of faith in myself. He wanted children and me even if I know I want kids…I wasn’t ready. I’m not ready. When I’ll have kids it’s when I’m good and ready. Some people tell me that if I wait to be ready I’ll never have kids because you can never be ready. Well I say, they didn’t have my parents. Those people haven’t lived in my shoes.

As I was saying. I feel like I’m finally living. I’m alive and living my life as I see fit. I will never forget myself in a relationship again. I know, never say never. But I think I’ve always been honest with myself and that I can see where I’ve made mistakes, I wont be doing them again. That’s the purpose of mistakes anyway…to learn and be better. If I hadn’t learned anything from my past mistakes, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I wouldn’t be happy and able to smile and laugh and enjoy life. I would be as dark and twisted as I was before.

For once, as I am alone, I see where I’m going. I don’t wish to absolutely find someone to live my life with. I’m not saying that if I meet someone I’ll close myself off. No, my eyes and heart will always be open to love. But I know that I don’t have to have someone in my life to find happiness. For now, I’m working to set my life back on track and I think I am headed in the right direction. If someone hops along, I’ll say who I am, what I hope of and want in life. If it fits with the person, good, if not well we’re not made for each other. I am and will always be nothing more then me. In a way, if I start to change who I am again for someone... not only am I deceiving myself but the person. And even more, if I change to meet the other’s hopes and dreams…then I’m starting a relationship wrong. How can it work if I’m not myself at the very beginning? If I’m pretending to be what he would want me to be just to make it work…when maybe it shouldn’t work, what’s the point?

Thinking out loud!

I hate people who smell bad!!!!!! Im saying this cuz there’s this old couple here and my GOD they stink! I hate bad smells…I have a sensitive nose…people don’t wash yourself in perfume ! Arghhhhhhhhhh

Today is really a beautiful day. The sun is shinning in a bright blue sky and after the cold of winter it's highly welcome. A small cool breeze is gently blowing sweet spring air around and near me a small bird is tirelessly repeating its litany. With the rumbling of the cars and the plane in the sky it makes a somewhat weird melody. Nature and human both musician.

Today is really a weird day. I feel good, really good. The kind of good that makes me want to do anything, that makes me think I can do everything I set my mind to. But...because there is always a but, there something on my mind as always. There's this question that's been plaguing me since...well since forever I think. For the moment, I'm at the university and yes I love it. How can I not love it? It's been a while since I've felt like i'm where I should be ...but I don't think I'm on the right program. I guess there's always two sides to everything...

I chose translation because I thought it was the right place for me, since I speak and write french and english perfectly. But with the few classes I got, I soon learned it wasn't for me. It is so boring! I took classes in history and I love it. I never thought I knew so little about virtually everything! But I'm 25 and I don't want to sit on my ass in university for I don't know how many years to eventually work in something related with History. If I'm honest with myself, learning about history is more a hobby than something I'd like to work in. And even better argument...I don't have to pay the amount of money I'm paying at the moment for learning history. Knowledge is in books!

I feel like there is 2 me. A me that wants a calm life, a sedated and calm job. A house, the kids...the whole nine yards...nothing special. And there is the other me...the me that don't want anything. No house, no kids, nothing to keep me rooted to a place. A me that wants to live, to see the world, to experience it, to live it. A me that wants to save it...or at least help, at least do something. I've always wanted to do my part, I've never wanted to ignore the suffering of others to build my happiness.

I can't remember in which book I've read this but it went more or less like this: It's when you're conscious of your freedom that you realise you have to power in you to do everything you want to. But you also realise that with your freedom also comes the knowledge of having to so something about that freedom. Freedom can be both a burden and...freedom.

I know it's all a question of choices but I always have this...doubt...this fright. I don't want to make a bad choice...but can a choice really be bad? Not if I want it to be bad, not if I choose to see it as a bad choice. But still, I'm afraid.

I realised today that I never gave suite to my previous ranting. If I can call that ranting...like the title implies I just wanted to think out loud. Which I did, but maybe some of you are wondering...Did I kept grumbling about what I didn't like in my life and did nothing? Am I just a whinner?

Well, as a matter of fact my life today is very far from what it was when I wrote last. I did what I never thought I would do. I left my boy friend, we were together for 4 years so it wasn't easy. I had to do it, for me first for I wasn't happy with how things were in our relationship and I realised I didn't want the life he was offering me. I did it for him too because he's a great man and deserves everything he ever wanted.

For the moment, I am still working in accounting but if everything goes according to my plan, in 2010 maybe even before I should be a Nurse like I've always dreamed. Nice eh?! I guess I was giving myself excuses after all. It wont be easy, since I'll have to keep working during my studies but bah, since when anything is easy. Easy is boring anyway, easy doesn't make you grow, easy doesn't make you evolve into someone stronger.  My life wasn't easy and look who I am now! Well, you don't really know but I know me and I love who I am despise all the hardships I have to deal with on a regular basis.  

I'm alone and working to make a dream come true. Isn't life awesome? When you realise that life is only what you make of it, that the power to change is and will always be in your hands, life is great. It's too easy to wait, to wait for someone, to wait for an opportunity... happiness is always just beside us, we just have to see it and grab it. I wasn't happy with how my life was going, where it was headed...well the only one who had the power to do something about it was me...and I did. Today I'm happy and full of hopes. 

I feel a bit depressed today. Not really depressed but, I don’t know, a bit down, out of it? I feel like sitting in a comfy chair with a good cup of herbal tea and just stare outside. I wish sometimes that I could stop my mind from thinking. I know, there’s meditation for that but I can’t stop thinking long enough for me to meditate.

(Insert long sigh here)

I’m getting old. No offence to those older them me. I’m talking about me here not you. Yeah, I’m getting old…soon to be 28. I still remember when I was 14 eager to be 16 because 16 was the age of the planeteers and I wanted, oh how I wanted to be one of them. Now I’m 28 and I’m no planeteers. What am I? An accounting secretary. Whoop dee do. I know, I know, my job does not define me but I would be happier if my job was something else. I always wanted to be a Nurse. When I was still in school, and the time for me to make my choice about my future career, I was so neck deep in my personal hellish life that the only thing important was to get away as far as possible from my father and his wife. So I did and as soon as I was far and finally out of there…I went a bit crazy. I say crazy because I finally had my teenage angst, at 19. All the frustration, pain, anger that I had to bottled down were started to resurface. I drank, took drugs…stopped going to my classes and eventually I dropped my program. Back then I did the only thing I could have done. Today, I’m not to proud of it. It’s no use to regret it, there was no other option back then, but still…

Now, I have to work in what I have experience in. Accounting. If I had enough money I’d go back to college and finally be a nurse. But alas, I just don’t make enough money. I have to pay my debts, my car, my pc…etc etc etc. I can’t stop working like that. Once in the workings of capitalism it’s hard to stop working to make a dream come true.  Maybe all of this are just excuses…

Im tired to be alone. I have a part time boy friend. 6 months he’s with me, when he doesn’t work and 6 months he’s in Florida. I’m sick of living like this. I’m tired of having a part time boy friend.

I need to shake things up. There are too many things in my life that aren’t to my liking. Why am I waiting? What am I waiting for now that I think of it? For boyfriend’s promises of a distant future where we’ll finally have a house, where he wont work so much? I don’t want to wait my youth away dammit!