Lili's little corner

Hello People.

Welcome to my little corner; where I get to say everything I feel like saying. Where I can get to vent some frustration. Where I'll speak about myself and expose my thoughts for all the Whole Wide Web to see...

Happy reading to you.

Dear me. I'm so exhausted. I'm starting to wonder if something is wrong with me. Is it just my job that I'm starting to completely despise or is there something else behind it all? I don't know. I know that I’ve been feeling out of it for a while, maybe I am just going through a phase where my energy is low...I let my completely boring, unfulfilling and pointless job get to me. Usually I'm stronger, I can see the bigger picture and tell myself that I wont be sitting at my despicable desk for all eternity. But lately, it's been getting harder and harder to wake in the morning to face another day of unfulfilling work. I feel like the day where I'll start my classes is always so far away and almost unreal. Maybe I'm just tired...But in way, everything is slowly falling in its places so I should be glad. But it's like that now that I know where I'm going I want to be there already. That's so me...wishing to skip the journey to meet my goals. But aaah, nothing's that easy, I should know, I should know since my life has always been and will always be nothing but a journey.

There's something else also that I'm sure has something to do with it all. I'm in love. Yeah...I am in love. I didn't want to talk about it here where there's a small chances He could read it, but as for the moment I just don't care. It's not as if he didn't know. He knows, I told him and he already knew. I've always been an open book for anyone willing to read, I could certainly not hide the passion I have for him.

It's hard and easy at the same time...It's hard because I wish he could me mine and for the moment it can not be and it's easy because it is...it simply is. I never thought loving could be so easy. As weird as it sounds, I can love him and be satisfied with what he can give me. I am willing to be patient, understanding and strong. It's easy because it's not a sacrifice. Or it is a sacrifice, but one I am gladly making even if in the end my arms stay empty. At least, I will be able to say that for a moment I've lived a passionate affair.

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I just feel like talking to someone but I’m at work so I really cant talk to anyone here. I’m just thinking out loud anyway…I cant imagine blabbering about every thing that’s going on in my head to my few friends here. They’d think me nuts…or I’d see the «why is she telling me this» look on their faces. Anywho…

It’s been a while since I’ve felt this happy. Ever since I left my boy friend, I’ve been feeling like I’m finally on the right path. After 3 years of trying in vain to sit and fit into a mould that wasn’t for me, it’s quite liberating. Like coming out from under the water to finally have a breath of air. It’s not that I was unhappy with him, not a all. He was (and is) a very good man. He worked so very hard to build the life he wanted with me and me…well I was too lost to know I didn’t want it. Or that I wasn’t ready for it. He was ready, he’s always been ready. Me…I was trailing behind still struggling with my insecurities and lack of faith in myself. He wanted children and me even if I know I want kids…I wasn’t ready. I’m not ready. When I’ll have kids it’s when I’m good and ready. Some people tell me that if I wait to be ready I’ll never have kids because you can never be ready. Well I say, they didn’t have my parents. Those people haven’t lived in my shoes.

As I was saying. I feel like I’m finally living. I’m alive and living my life as I see fit. I will never forget myself in a relationship again. I know, never say never. But I think I’ve always been honest with myself and that I can see where I’ve made mistakes, I wont be doing them again. That’s the purpose of mistakes anyway…to learn and be better. If I hadn’t learned anything from my past mistakes, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I wouldn’t be happy and able to smile and laugh and enjoy life. I would be as dark and twisted as I was before.

For once, as I am alone, I see where I’m going. I don’t wish to absolutely find someone to live my life with. I’m not saying that if I meet someone I’ll close myself off. No, my eyes and heart will always be open to love. But I know that I don’t have to have someone in my life to find happiness. For now, I’m working to set my life back on track and I think I am headed in the right direction. If someone hops along, I’ll say who I am, what I hope of and want in life. If it fits with the person, good, if not well we’re not made for each other. I am and will always be nothing more then me. In a way, if I start to change who I am again for someone... not only am I deceiving myself but the person. And even more, if I change to meet the other’s hopes and dreams…then I’m starting a relationship wrong. How can it work if I’m not myself at the very beginning? If I’m pretending to be what he would want me to be just to make it work…when maybe it shouldn’t work, what’s the point?

Thinking out loud!

I hate people who smell bad!!!!!! Im saying this cuz there’s this old couple here and my GOD they stink! I hate bad smells…I have a sensitive nose…people don’t wash yourself in perfume ! Arghhhhhhhhhh

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I realised today that I never gave suite to my previous ranting. If I can call that ranting...like the title implies I just wanted to think out loud. Which I did, but maybe some of you are wondering...Did I kept grumbling about what I didn't like in my life and did nothing? Am I just a whinner?

Well, as a matter of fact my life today is very far from what it was when I wrote last. I did what I never thought I would do. I left my boy friend, we were together for 4 years so it wasn't easy. I had to do it, for me first for I wasn't happy with how things were in our relationship and I realised I didn't want the life he was offering me. I did it for him too because he's a great man and deserves everything he ever wanted.

For the moment, I am still working in accounting but if everything goes according to my plan, in 2010 maybe even before I should be a Nurse like I've always dreamed. Nice eh?! I guess I was giving myself excuses after all. It wont be easy, since I'll have to keep working during my studies but bah, since when anything is easy. Easy is boring anyway, easy doesn't make you grow, easy doesn't make you evolve into someone stronger.  My life wasn't easy and look who I am now! Well, you don't really know but I know me and I love who I am despise all the hardships I have to deal with on a regular basis.  

I'm alone and working to make a dream come true. Isn't life awesome? When you realise that life is only what you make of it, that the power to change is and will always be in your hands, life is great. It's too easy to wait, to wait for someone, to wait for an opportunity... happiness is always just beside us, we just have to see it and grab it. I wasn't happy with how my life was going, where it was headed...well the only one who had the power to do something about it was me...and I did. Today I'm happy and full of hopes. 

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I feel a bit depressed today. Not really depressed but, I don’t know, a bit down, out of it? I feel like sitting in a comfy chair with a good cup of herbal tea and just stare outside. I wish sometimes that I could stop my mind from thinking. I know, there’s meditation for that but I can’t stop thinking long enough for me to meditate.

(Insert long sigh here)

I’m getting old. No offence to those older them me. I’m talking about me here not you. Yeah, I’m getting old…soon to be 28. I still remember when I was 14 eager to be 16 because 16 was the age of the planeteers and I wanted, oh how I wanted to be one of them. Now I’m 28 and I’m no planeteers. What am I? An accounting secretary. Whoop dee do. I know, I know, my job does not define me but I would be happier if my job was something else. I always wanted to be a Nurse. When I was still in school, and the time for me to make my choice about my future career, I was so neck deep in my personal hellish life that the only thing important was to get away as far as possible from my father and his wife. So I did and as soon as I was far and finally out of there…I went a bit crazy. I say crazy because I finally had my teenage angst, at 19. All the frustration, pain, anger that I had to bottled down were started to resurface. I drank, took drugs…stopped going to my classes and eventually I dropped my program. Back then I did the only thing I could have done. Today, I’m not to proud of it. It’s no use to regret it, there was no other option back then, but still…

Now, I have to work in what I have experience in. Accounting. If I had enough money I’d go back to college and finally be a nurse. But alas, I just don’t make enough money. I have to pay my debts, my car, my pc…etc etc etc. I can’t stop working like that. Once in the workings of capitalism it’s hard to stop working to make a dream come true.  Maybe all of this are just excuses…

Im tired to be alone. I have a part time boy friend. 6 months he’s with me, when he doesn’t work and 6 months he’s in Florida. I’m sick of living like this. I’m tired of having a part time boy friend.

I need to shake things up. There are too many things in my life that aren’t to my liking. Why am I waiting? What am I waiting for now that I think of it? For boyfriend’s promises of a distant future where we’ll finally have a house, where he wont work so much? I don’t want to wait my youth away dammit!

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