Lili's little corner

Hello People.

Welcome to my little corner; where I get to say everything I feel like saying. Where I can get to vent some frustration. Where I'll speak about myself and expose my thoughts for all the Whole Wide Web to see...

Happy reading to you.

I just feel like talking to someone but I’m at work so I really cant talk to anyone here. I’m just thinking out loud anyway…I cant imagine blabbering about every thing that’s going on in my head to my few friends here. They’d think me nuts…or I’d see the «why is she telling me this» look on their faces. Anywho…

It’s been a while since I’ve felt this happy. Ever since I left my boy friend, I’ve been feeling like I’m finally on the right path. After 3 years of trying in vain to sit and fit into a mould that wasn’t for me, it’s quite liberating. Like coming out from under the water to finally have a breath of air. It’s not that I was unhappy with him, not a all. He was (and is) a very good man. He worked so very hard to build the life he wanted with me and me…well I was too lost to know I didn’t want it. Or that I wasn’t ready for it. He was ready, he’s always been ready. Me…I was trailing behind still struggling with my insecurities and lack of faith in myself. He wanted children and me even if I know I want kids…I wasn’t ready. I’m not ready. When I’ll have kids it’s when I’m good and ready. Some people tell me that if I wait to be ready I’ll never have kids because you can never be ready. Well I say, they didn’t have my parents. Those people haven’t lived in my shoes.

As I was saying. I feel like I’m finally living. I’m alive and living my life as I see fit. I will never forget myself in a relationship again. I know, never say never. But I think I’ve always been honest with myself and that I can see where I’ve made mistakes, I wont be doing them again. That’s the purpose of mistakes anyway…to learn and be better. If I hadn’t learned anything from my past mistakes, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I wouldn’t be happy and able to smile and laugh and enjoy life. I would be as dark and twisted as I was before.

For once, as I am alone, I see where I’m going. I don’t wish to absolutely find someone to live my life with. I’m not saying that if I meet someone I’ll close myself off. No, my eyes and heart will always be open to love. But I know that I don’t have to have someone in my life to find happiness. For now, I’m working to set my life back on track and I think I am headed in the right direction. If someone hops along, I’ll say who I am, what I hope of and want in life. If it fits with the person, good, if not well we’re not made for each other. I am and will always be nothing more then me. In a way, if I start to change who I am again for someone... not only am I deceiving myself but the person. And even more, if I change to meet the other’s hopes and dreams…then I’m starting a relationship wrong. How can it work if I’m not myself at the very beginning? If I’m pretending to be what he would want me to be just to make it work…when maybe it shouldn’t work, what’s the point?

Thinking out loud!

I hate people who smell bad!!!!!! Im saying this cuz there’s this old couple here and my GOD they stink! I hate bad smells…I have a sensitive nose…people don’t wash yourself in perfume ! Arghhhhhhhhhh

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I realised today that I never gave suite to my previous ranting. If I can call that ranting...like the title implies I just wanted to think out loud. Which I did, but maybe some of you are wondering...Did I kept grumbling about what I didn't like in my life and did nothing? Am I just a whinner?

Well, as a matter of fact my life today is very far from what it was when I wrote last. I did what I never thought I would do. I left my boy friend, we were together for 4 years so it wasn't easy. I had to do it, for me first for I wasn't happy with how things were in our relationship and I realised I didn't want the life he was offering me. I did it for him too because he's a great man and deserves everything he ever wanted.

For the moment, I am still working in accounting but if everything goes according to my plan, in 2010 maybe even before I should be a Nurse like I've always dreamed. Nice eh?! I guess I was giving myself excuses after all. It wont be easy, since I'll have to keep working during my studies but bah, since when anything is easy. Easy is boring anyway, easy doesn't make you grow, easy doesn't make you evolve into someone stronger.  My life wasn't easy and look who I am now! Well, you don't really know but I know me and I love who I am despise all the hardships I have to deal with on a regular basis.  

I'm alone and working to make a dream come true. Isn't life awesome? When you realise that life is only what you make of it, that the power to change is and will always be in your hands, life is great. It's too easy to wait, to wait for someone, to wait for an opportunity... happiness is always just beside us, we just have to see it and grab it. I wasn't happy with how my life was going, where it was headed...well the only one who had the power to do something about it was me...and I did. Today I'm happy and full of hopes. 

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