Lili's little corner

I feel sad. I think too much. Bleh. I feel lonely. Loneliness rarely gets to me but sometimes, I guess I let it catch me. I shouldn't, because once loneliness gets you, me, well it sticks until I can manage to outrun it again. I've had an argument with a very close friend and I got hurt. She did the only think someone can do to hurt me. The only thing I'll do everything to prevent. She rejected me. She pushed me away because I wasn't the friend she wanted me to be. I can only be as imperfect as I am. I was rejected. I will push people away, I will reject people. Better push people away then be pushed away. That's why I keep this little people around me. First, I don't need a crowd around me. I've always been wary of people, thank you crappy childhood. People can hurt you, people can sometimes enter your life an wreck it. I've seen it happen to so many people. You settle down with the wrong person and it can ruins you. If you let it, I know. I know. We are always in control of our lives. I'm negative because I cared and I got hurt. A part of me, tells me it's better to be just alone but I know that that voice is not to be listened to. It's the same voice that got me in trouble in the past...when my hair were red, where I did no good in Montreal's streets. Where I took drugs and left college. I don't regret that, I learned. But, on this one...on pushing people away, I know it in me that I shouldn't listen.

Sometimes you think that you straightened you stuff, that you're ok...but I guess we can never be. A part of me, grew twisted and that part will always be twisted. It's part of who I am, I have to accept it. And I did accept it. I am who I am. My past, my fracking childhood made me who I am but sometimes, it just resurfaces and yeah, it sucks. Sorry, I don't feel like being poetic or being a so-called writer who rhymes with his suffering. Screw that. I'm being rejected and all the times I was pushed away as a kid, all the times I wanted to be part of something, I wanted to be accepted, just comes back to me. Making me feel like I did as a kid. Out of place, unloved, alone, like nothing. I hate that, and I know that it's in my hands to make me feel better because i'm not that kid anymore. I just want to be a kid for now, and feel my pain. Thinking about ghostly arms around me...

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I had the weirdest dream. It's been haunting me ever since. It's not a nightmare, it's not even extremely symbolic. There was just sensations, or lack of. I dreamed that I was dead. Death in the form of an intense wall of pure blinding light. I died in the light. But I felt no pain, I felt nothing. I was and I wasn't. I felt...nothing. But I felt it. One moment, I was alive. Standing at the foot of a green mountain, the forest was the greenest green and the sky grey, low with heavy rain clouds. Over the trees I could see silver mist fairies languorously dancing to a song only they could hear. I was standing there just being and then, coming down the mountain, was a wall, more like an avalanche of tumbling light. It was immense, encompassing everything, swallowing, transforming all into light. It hit me like a caress even though it had the semblance of a powerful shock wave. Never once was I afraid. It was caresses all around me, a warmth like blankets just off the dryer I took a deep breath I could feel the warm smoke infiltrating my entire being. It was soothing. Then I ceased to be. I knew that I died right there. I was dead. I was no more. I was the light I think. I wasn't alive but I was. It's hard to put it into words. If death feels like that then there's no reasons to be afraid of it. Somehow, I have the feeling it wasn't just a dream. My heart has a mind of its own, twice I had heart surgeries. Did it actually stopped as I was sleeping, dreaming? Did I die for a short moment? I guess I'll never know. But the dream is still with me and it feels like a memory.

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