Is Mah Blog

Is just a blog. Whatever happens to spew from my mind at the time will wind up on this blog in one way or another.

Blah. Okay, new conclusion. Based on new info, the guy must have recently started getting involved with this chick.

I don't even know why I care anymore. o_o; I'm feeling kind of creepy right now.

On an unrelated note, though, I read a really sad story on Wikichan. I found it on War Squirrel 's signature. Here's the link:

http://wikichan.org/index.php/Blindmute_Loli

| Permalink | Comments (2) | Post a comment

According to my friend Tina, that guy I spilled my guts to isn't dating. Is information being mixed, or am I being lied to...?

*sigh* I don't know. And I don't like the feeling of being lied to. I'm slowly beginning to not feel as okay as I was yesterday. I felt really not okay when I got home, but I got better. Now I feel like I'm taking about six steps back.

Damn it.

| Permalink | Comments (0) | Post a comment

I don't even know where to begin with this one. I guess I'll start with the Carnation Massacre.

For Valentine's Day, my school has this thing where you can buy carnations and have them sent to people. You could choose from four different colors, and they all have different meanings.

Red - Love

Pink - Crush

Yellow - Friendship

Purple - Mystery

I don't know how I got talked into it, but I sent a purple one to a guy in my homeroom, who shall remain anonymous for his sake and mine. I don't know why I even wanted to. I came up with reasons; maybe it was pity. He'd never gotten one before. Maybe I just wanted to see how he'd react. Maybe I just wanted to send someone a carnation, and he just came to mind. I don't know. But I did it. I didn't sign it, though (the carnation comes with a little slip of paper you can write a message on). I just wrote "Happy Valentine's Day" and sent it like that.

Valentine's Day rolled around and he got the carnation. I'd played over scenarios in my head, trying to come up with what the most logical reaction would be. I expected curiosity; I got rage. He was pissed. He demanded to know who it was. Nobody would tell him, so he simply blamed a kid in my homeroom who gets blamed for everything. Not because we hate him, but because...well, he's just so easy to pick on. He likes it, too. Most of it.

Anyway, the guy I sent the carnation to threw it at a friend of his, and stormed out of homeroom when the bell rang. The friend, who also happens to be a friend of mine, gave me the carnation. It was missing over half of its stem. I took it. Ironic as it was, I took it.

A couple weeks passed, and slowly but surely, I realized that I really liked the guy I sent that stupid flower to. So I started slipping letters into his locker. I don't think he ever bothered reading any of them. I didn't care at the time. But eventually that lost its glamour and I stopped doing that, too. They weren't getting me anywhere.

I brought it up to a friend of mine, Tina (she doesn't need to be anonymous. She plasters herself all over Myspace. I have no sympathy for her privacy, or lack thereof), and she told me that the only obvious explination was that I liked him. A lot. I didn't believe it, but two months later I realized she was right.

For the past two weeks, I'd been trying to think of a way to break it to him. I couldn't think of where to begin. I just figured I'd keep it to myself, anyway. I'd had crushes. I got over them. And then I moved on. It wasn't a big deal.

This one was, though. I couldn't get my mind off of him (I still can't), but not in the creepy stalker sense. I had a really weird dream with him in it. I was on a stage with him and his band, and he was playing, and I had to tell him something. I don't know what, but I had to tell him. He was describing a monster in his song, and the monster's shadow started appearing on the curtain that blocked off backstage. I got so scared that I threw myself into a panic attack. I kept trying to reach for his sleeve, to get his attention, but it seemed to get further and further everytime I reached for him. Finally, he sat me on the stage floor, and sat beside me, and finished his song. He was taking my episode so calmly that I started to cry. When the song ended, I woke up. I was shaking.

That was two days ago. Yesterday, on the way home from school, I had a revelation, and knew how I was going to tell him how I felt. I was such a nervous wreck, though. I took a two-hour walk to calm myself down at least a little. It didn't. I didn't sleep well last night, either.

Today wasn't any better. I don't think I've had anything decent to eat all week. I've been shaky and unattentive and basically a walking nerve. But I did it. I broke it to him on the way to sixth period. He said he was involved with someone else, and he was sorry. He took my confession as well as he took my breakdown in my dream. Is that odd?

I'm upset, of course. I don't think I've ever been this upset in my life. And you've probably read some of my previous blogs. I'm depressed every four minutes. But this feeling's kind of hollow. And I know I'll never be able to look at him again, or talk to him, without it being awkward. I can't help but feel like I'm a total idiot. Why did I have to make him think I liked him in a sense other than that of a friend? We never really spoke before, and now, instead of ever having a chance of being his friend, I've pretty much blown any chance I've ever had of speaking to him ever again. It sure feels like it, anyway.

Am I an idiot for telling him? I...I dunno. I've never been good at relationship stuff before. It sucks. My first big move toward a relationship, and I blow what could have at least been a friendship.

But then again, it's only high school. Should I even be bothered by it? People always tell me, "Dude, in a couple of years, you'll never see those people again." or "It's just hormones." Well...I don't care. It still sucks feeling like this. No matter how old you are.

| Permalink | Comments (0) | Post a comment

HOOOOOOHHH MAH GOD! I <3 GIMP!

Allow me to explain. I was playing around in one of my school's computer labs today. The lab I was in just happened to have Gimp installed on its computers. I opened it, and started playing around with it.

Ho. Lee. Shit.

I LOVED IT! It was like, amazing! And it turns out, you can download a portable version of it! I totally did. Now I can gimp it up wherever I go! I'm so happy! I luffs it! Gimp gimp gimp gimp. I'm gonna go play with it right now!

I have to upload the seascape I did (with GIMP!). It came out so nice! The smudge tool - my best friend. Hands down.

Wanna know why I did a seascape? Well, on Monday, I happened to attend this watercoloring class taught by Celesta Moran, who's like, a famous painter who happened to grow up in a city not too far from where I live.

Anyway, she volunteered to teach a class on watercoloring on Monday. I signed up. It sounded fun.

We painted a seascape. It was during a sunset with a palm tree in the foreground. Mine came out okay, but really...amature-ish. When I started playing with Gimp, the idea to try again came to mind. I think my CG-one came out MUCH better. I love it.

I really have to upload it.

| Permalink | Comments (0) | Post a comment

I'm running out of things to do with myself. Days are going too slow for me.

I kind of think I'm losing the will to draw. ...Mm, maybe I'm not losing the will. But it's certainly getting harder and harder to see all of the things I'm doing wrong.

I keep thinking I need guidance. I can't figure out what's wrong with me. Everything I do just seems to suck. My life is just stuck in a rut. I have nothing to draw. I have no desire to, either. I don't want to read, or write, or even watch movies (which is what I do when I REALLY need something to do.). I don't even want to crawl into bed and die like I usually do.

I've just been doing those things too much, I think. I need something new. It doesn't even have to be particularly thrilling. Just new. I'm so bored. I don't know what to do anymore.

I feel kind of lost, too. But I don't know why. Man, I'm just all fucking depressed. I hate it. I just suck right now. That must be it. It isn't the fact that everything I do sucks, it's just me. I suck.

I suck a lot.

| Permalink | Comments (4) | Post a comment

Call me bitter and emo all you want, but it's true. Especially right now. I hate friends. And I hate friends arguing. Especially if I wind up in the middle of it...like I always manage to do.

But maybe that's not their fault. Maybe it's my own desire for attention that gets me stuck in the middle of all of this bullshit. Or maybe I'm just really unlucky.

In an effort to take up some space on this blog, I'll try to explain just what the heck's going on.

I have two friends. April and Tina. April, once upon a time, was dating a guy named Jeremy. They both looked pretty happy together, but nobody really liked Jeremy (except for April, of course). I tried to warn her he'd cause nothing but trouble. She didn't want to listen to me because, according to her, she was in love. I'm not trying to say she wasn't. Hell, I don't know. But you never can know for sure, can you? Having never experienced the feeling myself, I couldn't tell you for sure. But she said she was, and I'll leave it at that.

Well, during some events that I was not present for, Tina and April stopped being friends. I'm still unclear of the details - I've heard the story countless times from both sides, but...I don't know. Maybe I didn't want to fully understand it, but I guess Jeremy got into a car accident and Tina witnessed it but got scared and didn't do anything about it. He got out perfectly fine, but April was furious that Tina didn't step in. But what was she going to do, yanno? She was out walking, and she probably didn't have a cell phone (if she did...maybe I can understand a little more why April was mad), and it was next to the middle of nowhere. And trying to save someone who's been in a car accident is dangerous. I wouldn't have done anything, either. Or rather...I don't know what I would have done. Considering how much I disliked Jeremy, I may have just kept walking, very much like Tina did. But...what if he hadn't made it? I don't know, that's too much to think about.

Anyway, April hated Tina for what she did (and she may or may not have done something in conjunction to the car accident thing. I, again, do not know), and refused to have anything to do with her, which I eventually found out. Since then, they haven't talked to each other. That was around last summer.

I've talked to them both about it. Tina, obviously, is ready to forgive and forget. April, equally obviously, is not. I've tried avoiding the subject...but they're just so alike. And both of them are so close to me. It's hard to talk to one without bringing up the other, but that's really awkward, so I try to avoid it. ...I've hit a mental roadblock. Lemme get my train of thought back. Hold on.

Oh yeah. Well, being such good friends with both of them kind of stuck me in the middle of this feud, which was to be expected. But I don't want to be stuck in the middle. I've done it before. I don't like it. Another pair of friends had a huge fight a gajillion years ago that I wound up being the mediator of, and it sucked. But that oen was trivial. That friendship was repairable. I can't say the same for this one.

Why can't people just forgive and forget? Why does it ahve to be so goddamn complex? April says Tina's a liar. She's never lied to me. Maybe she was just mistaken, or something. And why can't we just blame Jeremy? It's his fault! Everything is his fault because he just...he just sucks all the goddamn happiness out of a room! He isn't depressing, though, he's just frustrating. And I hate him. I really do.

And as if all of this wasn't enough, another interesting twist threw more shit into the fan that is my fucking life. As it turns out, Tina's starting to find herself attracted to Jeremy (again. Can't see why ANYONE would find him attractive. He's just disgusting, physically, mentally and even spiritually). It all started...oh, two weeks ago? It was a weekend. I was helping Tina do her homework, and was staying over at her house for the night while her mom went out. We were studying and everything was great when he called. He asked to come over, and Tina accepted. She accepted, knowing full well her mother was out. After hanging up, she gave me this story about how she wouldn't have said yes if I wasn't there and how she just can't say no to people and yadda yadda yadda. I didn't care. I'm not even sure I believe her.

Anyway, he came over, and they talked for a while (I ignored Jeremy during his entire stay. I wanted him to know that he wasn't welcome from where I stood), and they got on the subject of Tina's new furniture. She mentioned getting a new bed (which she did) and he asked to see it. He also, during this entire event, was asking things like "You're 18 now, right?" (which she is), and all sorts of...well, really obvious questions.

Well, they went upstairs so Jeremy could see the new bed. I didn't follow right away. I didn't want to. And I could hear them fine from where I was, so if something were to happen, I would have known. And after a few minutes up there, I heard some suspicious noises. It sounded like they were kissing. But Tina, whatever was going on, made him stop. Then I couldn't take it anymore, and went up after them. They were laying on the bed next to each other, but it wasn't like it was suggestive or anything. They were just laying there.

We all went back downstairs and eventually Jeremy left. Once he did, Tina told me that Jeremy had in fact tried to kiss her, and even tried to get his tongue in her mouth. That pissed me off. But a few days later she told me she felt 'attracted' to him, and that just pissed me off more.

So all three of them piss me off right now. April for being a hardhead, Tina for betraying her ex-friend, and Jeremy simply for existing. And I'm also pissed at all of them for somehow getting me involved. I hate them all right now, but I can't stop talking to Tina or April. I want to, but I find myself unable to do it. I just wanna get them both in a room together and lock them in. Let them solve their own goddamn problems so I don't have to feel like a part of it anymore. It's really goddamn frustrating.

That's why I like the internet. Less commitment.

| Permalink | Comments (0) | Post a comment

Well, I think is sounds dirty. But it really isn't. I'll esplain.

Last year was when it started. My Italian class had gone to the computer lab at school to...study Italian stuff, and I caught some of the stupid folks in my class playing, of all things, Mario. I was beshocked. Some people tried to ask them how they were doing it, but they wouldn't tell us. So I set to work. I happened to notice that the program they were using was called FCEUltra (they're start bar. Pf. Yeah, I know. Maaajor deduction skills here), so I did a search on that and found the very same program. And it had more than just Mario (Final Fantasy 1 and 2!!! Squeeehappy!)

Well, a year later, I remembered that program existed, and was playing it a couple of days ago, when it occured to me to copy it and stick it on my cruizer. But I didn't know where the file was located. So I found it, and made a copy to bring home. Then I talked to Keen about it, and he said it was called an 'emulator'. (I LUV YOU MIKE!!!). And he esplained them to me.

Well, this was like, the best news I'd ever heard, so I went and downloaded a SNES emulator, and souped it up with some of my favorite games (called ROMs. ^^). It's freaking awesome. I'm hooked all over again to Super Mario World. Heehee.

And that, as they say, is that.

| Permalink | Comments (0) | Post a comment

I really...really have nothing to talk about that I probably haven't said a bloody million times before. But I'm bored, and tired, and depressed, and feeling like complaining about something, so bear with me.

I started my new semester last Thursday, which means new classes. So far, they're all pretty great. Even having two math classes isn't as bad as my Chemistry class. I can't say I really hate any of my classes yet. Even Algebra is tolerable. Bizarre, right?

The conceit of the school's seniors, however, is kind of getting on my nerves. They try to force onto us the notion that everything they do is worth merit. But, I suppose, they are graduating this year. They've pretty much earned the right, I guess. And I'll probably be like that next year, so I guess I won't say too much about that. That, and I really don't feel like it.

I'm getting really tired all the time. And I'm always kind of feeling down. And I'm feeling kind of lonely, too. It sucks, and there's no 'kind of' about that.

We had a really stupid assembly on Friday. Our superintendant is trying to force the idea that engineering is the best career to have in the whole wide world onto us. We had this all-engineering schools college fair, and he made us write a one-to-two paragraph essay on what we thought about it and stuff. Well, I wrote an essay he won't soon forget. And it was more than two paragraphs. Unfortunately for him, it took two and a half pages to get across what I wanted to say. I don't freaking care. It made me mad. If I remember, I'll post it in my writing. I kept a copy of it, because I really liked it. It turned out to be kind of funny. Hell, maybe the superintendant will have a sense of humor, and commemorate me on it or something. Or he could be a big freaking stiff like the rest of the staff and try to have me expelled or something. Once again, I don't really care.

I haven't been really drawing a lot, or writing a lot. It isn't so much a lack of time, more of a lack of inspiration, or even a lack of will. Even my roleplaying's kind of going down the drain. I've been writing like a cheesy fanfiction writer, and it's kind of bringing me down even more. I've been trying to read more (which usually boosts my creativity) but that hasn't been working too hot, either. It bites.

God, I feel really weird. Have you ever felt lonely, and just wanted to have someone to be there for you, but at the same time you just wanted the world to leave you the hell alone? Hm. Maybe it's just because the people I'm usually surrounded by...I can't be too serious with them. I can't bitch or whine as much as I'd like to, because they don't want to hear it. And I don't blame them - they have their own problems. Ones way worse than mine. But that just makes me more depressed, because I feel like such an ass for being all hung up on myself when everyone around me's suffering, or something. I feel like a bad friend, a bad writer, just a bad everything.

And to make things worse, I'm stuck here in the library until my mom remembers that I'm here, and comes to pick me up. Which will probably be in another hour. Or two. I think I'm gonna go crazy. I just wanna go to bed.

| Permalink | Comments (0) | Post a comment

 I have a chem final tomorrow. Then Thursday I'll start a new semester and have all new classes and never have to worry about Chemistry again. I shouldn't even be talking to you right now. I'm supposed to be studying! I'm only a few points away from passing and - and I gotta go! @_@ BYE! *runs off screaming and ripping her hair out*

| Permalink | Comments (0) | Post a comment

Life is, in fact, very weird. What brought me to this conclusion? Well, if you've been reading, you'll know that I haven't exactly been having the best...forever. =P Quite the contrary. Well, since my last entry this is some of the stuff that's happened to me.

Christmas break rolled around, which was excellent news. But then, on the 23rd (I remember the date because I had just come back from Christmas shopping) I got sick, had a fever, and have pretty much been feeling lousy ever since. That bites the big one. I hate being sick.

Not only that, but I was instructed by my English teacher to read the first ten chapters of The Catcher in the Rye over the break. I'd read it two years ago, so all I did was consult the CliffsNotes to refresh my memory. I haven't actually read a page of it. We're on chapter 19 now. Nya ha.

Christmas was okay. I got some art stuff, a 2-gig flash drive, and a copy of "Amadeus". I love that movie.

Let's see...we came back to school on Thursday, January 3rd (which was kind of dumb), and nothing really happened until I got to my government class. There, my teacher decided that, since we only had two days that week, he was going to talk to us about goal setting. And he gave us this really inspiring (and almost tear-jerking) lecture about how influential your attitude is and stuff. He really put some emphasis on that, if you have a better outlook on life, things will start to have a better turn out for you. He looked at me the first time he said it. I wonder about my teacher sometimes. He's the kind of guy who seems like he knows more than he lets on. Even if you've never told him anything.

Anyway, on my way home, I decided to treat myself pretty nicely. I smiled more and did all sorts of stuff, save for taking a walk (it was FREEEZING outside, or I would have. I was tempted to anyway.). Then Friday, things started getting weird.

It all started when I woke up. My alarm went off, and I got up...and I felt pretty good. My nose wasn't clogged, I could breathe alright, and I felt pretty well-rested. Heck, I had even dreamed. All of that stuff was strange - usually I don't dream, and wake up feeling crappy. It was a good weird, though.

Anyways, I threw on some clothes and had something to eat (since I had so much spare time. Usually I don't eat - I'm never up for eating in the morning anyway. My stomach is like, the last part of me that wakes up. xD), and then I went to school. I paid little attention to my weird morning - I was too tired to really notice, anyway.

But then, in Chemistry, the strangeness of my day began to present itself. We were going to do two labs in Chemistry that day, and I wasn't looking forward to working with Zach again. But I paid really close attention to the instructions, so we'd at least have a leg to stand on when the lab began, and then...it happened. A girl in my class, Shayna, is really close with Zach, and she's lab partners with a friend of mine, Rachel. Shayna turned around and asked if she wanted to trade partners with me. It was as if God and all his little angels exploded all over the place. I was shocked, and euporic and exstatic and OMFG. Naturally, I said yes. I didn't hesitate, or think twice. Zach looked heart-broken. Oh well. Serves him right.

So now I'm lab partners with Rachel. Which is AWESOME. She later told me that she lucked out, too. Apparently, Shayna's just as bad as Zach. That's fine. They can fail together. I have a productive, smart lab partner now. Nya ha. We even got through the first lab okay, too. And get this - we were going to have to do a write-up for it (which I volunteered to do. But can you blame me?) but my teacher actually changed his mind and said we didn't have to. All we had to do was a little data table and a neat set of calculations to show that we knew what we were doing. And it didn't even have to be typed! Well, I did that, and turned it in.

The second lab wasn't quite as easy, but Rachel consented to doing the paperwork for that one. Bless her.

It freaked me out how good my day was, but what really blew me away was that it stayed good. Remember that painting I was freaking out about in my last entry? I finished it. Mathematically speaking, I wasn't supposed to finish for another...well, I wasn't going to finish by the end of the semester, anyway. But I did. And now I have an entire week to do what everybody else is doing. I missed a project, but I was excused from it because my art teacher really liked how my painting was turning out. I don't like it that much, personally, but it's a great concept. Oh well. Take what you can, I guess.

THEN, once again, the angels exploded all over my life, because I got the news that my English teacher was absent. I really think that was the clincher. I was officially convinced that something was going horribly wrong. xD I began to wonder if I was dreaming, or if I had died or something. But it's real. It was all really real. We wound up having a substitute, a really cool one, and we took the quiz we were supposed to take (which was unbelievably easy) and watched a movie with all the spare time we had left. It was awesome.

Nothing particularly awesome happened after that, but surely you can understand just how freaked out I was. Friday was a great day. I couldn't believe it. I still can't believe it. It was great. I hope it keeps up. Maybe my Government teacher's on to something...

| Permalink | Comments (0) | Post a comment