Is Mah Blog

Is just a blog. Whatever happens to spew from my mind at the time will wind up on this blog in one way or another.

This is that depressing thing I warned you about in my first entry.  Please don't continue reading if you're not interested in my whining, but it would certainly be nice if someone did.  I'm sorry I never mention 'his' name.  I want to keep him anonymous.  It wouldn't be right otherwise.

My mind is in such a fog right now.  I can't even see straight I'm so out of it.  He's thinking of not coming back to Ohio to see my friends and I next year...I don't want that!  I want him to come back next year, I really do.  But the whole, "nobody's hanging out with him" thing is a big problem.  I've been trying, I really have...trying to be with him as a friend when I can't understand what I'm feeling, but I think my feelings for him go beyond that of a friend.

I think my best friend is mad at me.  I have been visiting her house a lot lately, because he's been staying there...does she think of me as a burden?  I told her I could visit her any time.  But I still feel like such a burden.

I'm so f**king depressed right now.  It's driving me insane.  I just want to crawl into bed and die.

He might die.  I still can't get that out of my head.  I keep telling him he'll be okay, but those three words keep haunting me.  They're always there.  "He might die...he might die.  He might die.  He might die."

What if he does die?  How could I live with myself? I'm trying to be strong, but the thoughts won't go away.  What if he dies?  What if he...what if he wants to die?  Would I cry?  Would I even react?  How would something so intense affect me, if at all?  Would I deny it?  Would I even find out?  Oh...I hadn't even thought of that.  I don't know anyone else who lives where he does, and he's so far away...how would I even find out if something happened to him?  What if I never knew...?

I should be strong for him.  I should.  And, I will.  I'll continue to shell myself in reassurance and an upbeat attitude, while rotting inside, knowing I'm a liar and a hypocrite.  It's all I can do.  I want him to live.  I want him to live so much.  I want to see him again next year, and I want to see the snow with him, and hear his voice, and see his smile, and hug him and hold him and never let go.  I want to walk with him and talk to him face-to-face, and no longer be afraid to cry in front of him.  I want to learn more martial arts, and improve the skills he already taught me.  I'll finally learn those silly names, like Wu-Tai or whatever.  I don't want to be scared anymore.  Or alone.  That's all I'll be without him.  Alone.

We haven't even started a roleplay, yet.  And I still haven't kicked his ass for trying to litter, and I want to be there with him if he gets another tattoo.  Maybe I could help him choose a design.  And one day, I'll visit him, so he can show me his house and where he works and who his friends are.  I'll finally see the city he lives in, and the beautiful golden tundra that surrounds it. 

And we'll live happily ever after.  Friends or lovers, I won't care - as long as we're together.

Like I said, very whiny.  But if you read it, thanks.  It makes me feel better knowing someone took the time to read it.  He left on Sunday to go back home.  Why might he die?  I don't want to say.

I'll try to get Super Mod's latest chapter up as soon as possible.

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