Is Mah Blog

Is just a blog. Whatever happens to spew from my mind at the time will wind up on this blog in one way or another.

My god, what's going on with me? I really don't know. A lot of stuff has been happening to me since my last entry. Most of which internal. I'm pretty crude in speech, but I'll at least try to explain.

Well, first off, of course, as a Junior in high school, I've been thinking about colleges. I still don't know what I want to do with my life. As of late, I've been doubting myself especially. I want to be a character artist in a video game company (preferrably Square Enix). It's been my dream since I played Final Fantasy IX for the first time (a long...LONG time ago) and my reasons for it have changed over the years considerably. First, it was because Tetsuya Nomura did it, and I loved him to death. But as time went on, I began to feel that I could do it. All I kept hearing was, "It must be an easy job - you sit around and doodle people and creatures all day." And I kept thinking, 'I could do that. I bed I'd be good at it, too.' but now, I'm not so sure. I'm second-guessing myself, and it seriously bites ass. I'd...REALLY like to be able to know for sure. But I don't. I keep asking things like, will I really enjoy it? What will I do if I don't make it? Can I even make it? Do I have what it takes? I don't know. And it's driving me crazy.

I've reached the point where I can hardly stand to look at my pictures. I went through and deleted a whole bunch of them. I just feel like total crap as far as my drawing goes. It's like...my pictures are so lifeless. There's nothing there anymore, like there used to be. I remember being able to draw a picture and I could almost watch it come to life on the paper (I'm not saying they were well-drawn, but they were sure as hell drawn with love and care). Now when I draw a picture, it's just a bunch of lines on paper. I just can't seem to draw anything. Or write anything. Or be creative in general. It's almost like I'm lifeless, too. It's not just the stuff I put on paper. I don't know what to do...

Well, my second-guessing made me consider what I'd do if I couldn't handle a career in the arts. I've thought about it, and if I botch the idea, I'd like to teach High School. I haven't decided what subject - maybe English. I think I'd be a pretty good teacher.

But all in all, I've been really down in the dumps as of late. I don't know what I want to do with myself. *sigh*

What's more is my grades. They're suffering for it. Especially my Chemistry grade. I mean, I've been struggling in Chem as it is, but now my grade is REALLY plummeting, and I don't know what to do. My teacher seems to be under the impression that I'm God or something. Every time I ask him a question he gets all angry and tells me I should already know it, then he dodges the part where he helps me. Well, if I knew, would I be asking? We're not all science whizzes, you know? It freakin' sucks. I'm tempted to just give up, but I'm not going to. I won't allow myself to fail. I simply won't let it happen.

But seriously - who reads these? I think I'm gonna go around and read some other people's blogs. xD Just to throw you all off.  Nya ha ha.

And, weird as it may sound, I really wish I had a boyfriend. Just someone to really hang out with, and cuddle with and do all of that sappy relationship stuff with. I guess that's not as important as the other stuff, but I'd still like it to happen. Unfortunately, I don't know anybody. And, nobody knows I exist. It seriously bites ass. I just wanna walk up to someone and start beating the hell out of them, screaming at the top of my lungs, "Can you see me?! Am I here now?!" over and over again. I always feel like I'm being ignored, or like I'm just a wandering spirit. Like I'm not really here. And it's not even a drug-induced feeling. It's just a feeling.

I really...REALLY would like to be dead right now. -_-;; But I'm not granting anyone that kind of emotional satisfaction. Not even me. I'm going to at least attempt to keep working hard. Maybe that'll get me somewhere.

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