Numb - Chapter 1

Numb

The numbness of my heart is sometimes too overwhelming. I can’t feel anything right now. No happiness, no pain, no sorrow, no anger, but I wish too. I wish to feel anything! Why can’t I feel anything! The burning of the flame seems so confident, so sure, so right. At least I would feel…but what kind of feeling is it that it brings? Pain yes, but also remorse, regret, and guilt. I cry after each burn. That is why I am writing this at this moment. My hand is in pain. I felt, but the feeling was only calming for a moment. Then the feeling became a nightmare of regret and guilt. Why did I have to take that path again? So many that I care about would be so upset with me. That is why this will remain a secret. I don’t want to keep it inside; it hurts me to do so. Yet I must, for talking would just bring more trouble, and with it more pain. Why can’t I just be right! Why can’t I be the regular 15-year-old girl I should be? Why do I have to have this stupid depression? I want to think this will get better; it is what everyone keeps telling me. How can I be strong when I cannot feel? And yet…I do feel. I feel weak, tormented, ill, hopeless, and alone. They want me to be strong, but how can I? How can I be strong, when my heart is so weak, so cold, and so…numb?