Truth of my Life - Chapter 1

Till this day
I have no say
In what goes on
I'm like a pon
I'm only here for their merriment, joy
But inside I am deep, sad, and devoid
They pay no heed to my intellect, mind
Only this false façade of mine
My body disobeys me
My heart, mind they portray me
But no one can hear the beat deep within my delicateness
It stutters and sputters trying to show them my eloquence
I hate to speak out
I love to shut and put out
They misunderstand my happy smiling face
They believe I have a blissful shining space
They think it surrounds me and holds me true
When all it does is make me want to puke
My hidden intellect, is shrouded by voices
That say to me, "you have few choices..."
Never do I ask what the voices are trying to say
I only hope that they can portray
They way my heart wants to stop mid beat
And how my blood wants to run cold and flee
I watch as they push against their confines
That are haplessly called these veins of mine
And it pains me to know that no one can see
That my happy smiling face is all that I wish to be
I hold out by a thread
I make do with but a bit of bread
And this shell of laughter
Just wants to shatter
Deep into the night
When I know that I just might
Be alone at last to free that flood of salt water
Always held back by its walls it falters
Not knowing whether it is a trick
Or maybe the true thing
They have been let loose from their prison
And I will not miss them
I hope for them to never again pay visit
For my soul would surely shatter from this prestigiously innocent
An act of faith for all that become one
I hold to this fate and hope I won't become undone
My laughter now bitter and the sweetness all lost
Only this façade that contains my inner self, yet but a hapless loss
My skin yearns for the feel
For that rusty metal steel
That can free my broken mind
From deep within confines
The happy face is gone and lost
When night hits and day break all mussed
The salt runs down its normal place in confusion
And deepens that ever growing contusion
Will this heart hold out, will my intellect be lost to their joy?
I do not know, but the one thing for sure, is that for now, I am devoid
I am depressed still holding my ache
I am desolate clutching to what small fate
That is contained within this form of mine
And wherein my intellects hides
My true potential always cloaked
By friends, family, and my folks
They don't see, they can't feel
They are blind to all I seal
I give the impression, they take the bait
I beg for attention, they keep the fake
My attention grows weary, my heart slowly stills
When did I grab that knife and fill myself with its fine steel?
The red surrounds my arms, body, mind
Then the darkness obscures my heart, soul, spirit, and all my humane kind
The battering sound that swallows my ears
It engulfs the sound of my dropping tears
The darkness obscures my vision
I wait until this mind of mine takes tail and it fissions
While I watch the dark red fade all of my dreams unkempt
But it does not bother my heart unswept...