DBZ: The Major Motion Picture! - Chapter 1

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Draw dragons to improve your composition skills. #Smaugust composition challenge. August 1 - 31

DBZ: The Major Motion Picture!

by TennisPirate

Libraries: Dragon Ball Z, Humor, One Shots

Published on / 1 Chapter(s) / 8 Review(s)

Updated on

If the Tennis Pirate (that's me! ~_^) made a DragonBallZ movie. Something I wrote on a sugar high. Curiously enough, it all stemmed from an AIM conversation with my friend... Anyway: contains some yaoi, drug innuendo, some mild language, Hitler, Wizard of Oz, and Barney! You have been warned... Oh, and please review! ^ ^

TennisPirate’s

MAJOR MOTION PICTURE!!!


I would like to apologize in advance for any craziness / stupidity witnessed in this fanfic. I am sorry. The title isn’t really relevant; in fact, this whole shindig stemmed from an AIM conversation I was having with my friend. I decided to transcribe it into DBZ characters and go with it, and here’s what came out! I’m actually quite pleased. I thought it would just be stupidity—as it turned out, it’s funny stupidity. I think. Please let me know, honestly, what you thought, but no flames, please. It’s not supposed to make much sense, and keep in mind that I was on a sugar high when I wrote this. Oh, and remember to make sure you know who’s talking. Otherwise it gets really confusing… ^ ^;;

P.S. I thought it was funny that when I ran this through the spell-checker, it wanted to change “Saiyans” to “Asians.” Just in case you were wondering.

P.P.S. Don’t own DBZ or DBGT. Don’t wish I did, either. Too much stress.

P.P.P.S. Wish Trunks and Pan were closer in age, though.

P.P.P.P.S. Please review!

~_^

- I am the Tennis Pirate

~~

Scene takes place: nowhere in particular. Use your friggin’ imagination. Nobody is on stage. TennisPirate and Friend enter.

Nobody: Hey, cool, the opening line! Wow, what’ll I say? Hmm… I know! I’ll sing a song! Ahem: “Oh, say, can you see by the dawn’s early light what so proudly we hailed at the twilight’s last—”

TennisPirate: ~boots Nobody offstage~

Friend: What’d you do that for?

TennisPirate: Do what?

Friend: You just booted him off the stage!

TennisPirate: No, I didn’t!

Friend: Yes, you did!

TennisPirate: Who’d I boot off, then?

Friend: Nobody!

TennisPirate: See?

Friend: … Wait, I’m confused…

TennisPirate: Don’t think too hard. You’ll hurt yourself.

Friend: Tell Vegeta I said he’s stupid.

TennisPirate: Huh? Why?

Friend: ~shrugs~ I want to see what will happen.

TennisPirate: Okay, I will next time I see him. ~sees him~ Vegeta, Friend says you’re stupid.

Vegeta: Who’s “Friend,” and how would he-slash-she know I’m stupid?

TennisPirate: Ha, you admit it then!

Vegeta: I… uh… umm…

Friend: Why don’t I have a definite sex?

Vegeta: I am the Prince of the Saiyans! You must treat me with respect! I order you to—

TennisPirate: ~squishes him with foot~

Mini Vegeta: …

Oppressed Citizen: You killed him!

TennisPirate: I didn’t mean to kill him! It’s just that… he was on fire, and…

Oppressed Citizens: All hail TennisPirate! The wicked midget is dead!

Chibi Trunks: At least you didn’t drop a house on him—like some people I could mention…

Dorothy: Hey, it’s not my fault my aunt and uncle locked me out of the cellar during a tornado and I got hit in the head by a cellophane window-prop and somehow got whisked away (even though that makes no sense) to the magical land of Oz…

Auntie Em: Oh, there she goes again, ranting about some dream she had. Dorothy, dear, did you take your medications this morning?

Dorothy: Umm…

TennisPirate: Hey, guys, wrong movie!

Dorothy: ~points at oppressed citizens, TennisPirate, and Trunks~ And you, and you, and you… and you were there!

Auntie Em: This isn’t a movie, TennisPirate, it’s a fanfic.

TennisPirate: No, it’s a screenplay, and it will be a movie once I send it to Hollywood and they all agree it’s a masterful work of art, and it becomes a major motion picture, and my part is played by some hot size two with a D-cup bra who looks nothing like me but is extremely hot and sexy!

All: …

Mini Vegeta: Help, I’m melting! Meeelllltiinng! Ggaahh!

TennisPirate: Hey, you’re supposed to be dead!

Mini Vegeta: Yeah, but I forgot to say that before.

Random Character With Little Significance in Regard to the Plot (But is Still More Significant Than You’d Think): Did he say “B-4?” Hey, I’ve got BINGO!! What do I win? What do I win? Huh? Huh?

TennisPirate: ~peels Mini Vegeta off her foot~ Here.

RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT): Awesome!! A miniature sadistic communist dictator bent on world-domination! I’ll add him to my collection!

Mini Hitler: Does this mean I don’t have to stand next to that purple freak anymore?

Mini Barney: Sing with me, Veggie! ~sings~ I love yooou, you love meee, we’re a happy family!

Mini Vegeta: NOOOOO!!! … I didn’t know I was bent on world-domination…

TennisPirate: Shut up! This is my major motion picture, and if I say you’re bent on world-domination, then, goddammit, you’re bent on world-domination! DEAL with it!!

Chibi Trunks: Ooh, ooh, who’s gonna play me?

TennisPirate: I dunno… probably chibi Brad Pitt or chibi Michael Jackson or someone.

Chibi Trunks: But… but they’re all grown up!

TennisPirate: Well, you don’t seem to have any problem with jumping timelines! ~points at Mirai Trunks, who just appeared out of nowhere~

Mirai Trunks: … Uh… Shut up! *clutches head* Shut up!! SHUT UP!!! AAGGH, the voices, the VOICES!!! ~goes back to his own timeline~

Chibi Trunks: Was that me when I grow up?

TennisPirate: Yep.

Chibi Trunks: Wow, I’m hot!

Mini Vegeta: Hey, who’s gonna play me?

TennisPirate: ~thinks~ Hmm… well, I think you’ll have to be this little light flashing around—you know, like they do when they have to have a fairy or something tiny like that.

Mini Vegeta: I’m not a fairy!

Goku: Yeah, why do people always write fanfics of us getting together and stuff?

Chibi Trunks: When’d he get here?

Mini Vegeta: That’s not what I meant, baka.

Mini Barney: … I love yooou, you love meee, we’re a happy family!

Goku: Stay away from Vegeta, Barney! Have you ever hit it off with Veggie in a fanfic? I think not!

Mini Vegeta: Now, wait a minute—

Gohan: Hey, I got to make love to Vegeta in some fanfics, too!

TennisPirate: Eww… Gohan, that’s just sick! He could be your father!

Goten: Well, if Dad and Veggie get together, then, technically, he will be.

Bulma: ~shocked~ Vegeta! I never knew!

Vegeta: Why does everyone think I’m gay?!

Dorothy: … and if I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any further than my own backyard!

Bra: You got that right, Dorothy! Come on, let’s go look for some hot, straight guys! ~leaves with Dorothy~

Vegeta: Hey, I’m straight! I’M STRAIGHT!!

Goten: Eww, Vegeta, she’s your daughter!

Vegeta: ~smacks forehead~

Bulma: Vegeta, honey, I think it’s time to go home. My friend knows this great marriage guidance counselor...

Vegeta: Don’t you people listen? I’m telling you, I’m not—

Mini Barney: Hey, I saw him first! ~runs towards Vegeta~

Goku: No way, dino-man! Veggie’s mine! ~attacks Mini Barney~

Goten: Waaahhhhh!! Daddy hit Barney! Waaahhhhh!!

Bulma: Hey, HEY! Give me back my husband! -runs towards Barney and Goku-

Gohan: Yes, publicity! ~joins the fray~

TennisPirate: Wow, this is gonna be a great movie! Action, romance, angst, Kansas farm girls, homosexuality—

Vegeta: For the last time, I’m NOT GAY!!!

TennisPirate: —homophobia…

Vegeta: GAAHHH!!

Trunks: Don’t worry, Dad! Lots of people think me and Goten got a thing for each other. You should see some of the fanfics they write! I’m telling you, there’s some perverted minds out there…

Goten: Yeah, yeah! Like the one where the person was going on like we were, like, best friends or something dumb like that! Ha ha, can you believe the stuff people will write? Whoo! Kills me every time!

Trunks: ~sweatdrops~

RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT): Hey, am I gonna get any more lines in this fanfic?

TennisPirate: I TOLD you already: it’s a screenplay! And, no, probably not. It’s too much of a pain typing RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) all the time.

RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT): So?

TennisPirate: So, I’m not giving you any more lines!

RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT): Ha, I made you type it again!

TennisPirate: Hey, stop it!

RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT): No.

TennisPirate: Yes!

RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT): No!

TennisPirate: Arrgghh, my fingers!!

Chi Chi: You know, you could just copy and paste.

TennisPirate: …Really?

Uncle Henry: When’d she get here?

Auntie Em: When’d you get here?

Dorothy: Hey, cool, we’re still in this story?

TennisPirate: It’s a SCREENPLAY!!! ~copies~ ~pastes~ RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT). Ha, it worked!

Vegeta: Oh, no…

TennisPirate: ~goes on a pasting rampage~ RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT)!!! Wow, what a rush!

Pan: Hey, neat, can I try some?

TennisPirate: Sure! ~hands her keyboard~

Pan: RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT). Like that? That wasn’t so great…

TennisPirate: No, no, you gotta hold it down. RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT). See?

Pan: RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT). Wow, TennisPirate! You were right! This stuff’s awesome! RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT) RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT)… ~passes out~

Gohan: Pan!

Videl: What happened?

TennisPirate: ~sadly~ She O.D.’d.

Videl: On what?!

TennisPirate: RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT).

Videl: …

RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT): Hey, I’m being neglected over here…

Videl: ~attacks him~ You made my daughter pass out!! You fiend! GAAAHHH!!

Pan: Hey, Mom…

Videl: Not now, honey. ~continues beating up RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT)~

Pan: Why are you beating up RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT)?

Videl: Because he made you pass out, and for all we know, you could be dead, and there’s nothing we can do about it… ~pauses, looks at Pan~ Oh, you’re awake… heh, heh… that’s good…

RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT): Could you please let go of my neck? You’re starting to cut off the circulation to my brain… bfghwgadnsshklllpr… gummgummgumm…

Videl: ~drops him~ Oops, sorry, my bad! ^ ^’

Goku: ~emerges victoriously from catfight holding Vegeta’s hand~ Ha, ha, I won! I get Vegeta all to myself now! Mwahaha! I am the CHAMPION!!!

Vegeta: Kakarrot, do you even know what you’re talking about?

Goku: Sure, I get to rent you out for a day through RENT-A-SAIYAN, and you have to clean my house and cook me food and watch my kids!

Chi Chi: I do all that already, Goku!

Goku: Oh, okay then, never mind.

Vegeta: Sooo… you’re not really gay?

Goku: ~slaps him~ Of course I’m not, bee-otch! Omigod, you can be sooo annoying sometimes!

All: O.O!

Vegeta: Whatever… Woman! Boy! We’re leaving.

Dorothy: I’m a woman!

Goten: I’m a boy!

Friend: My sex still hasn’t been determined. Am I a male or female?

TennisPirate: Umm… it doesn’t really matter. You’re just gonna be a voiceover in the final production, so we’ll just get someone who could be a boy or a girl.

Trunks: Hey… when’d Dad get un-mini’d?

TennisPirate: A looong time ago. Weren’t you paying attention?

Vegeta: I said we’re leaving!!

Dorothy: And we’re coming with you!

Vegeta: What! Why?!

Gohan: ~goes Super Nerd 2~ Well, Vegeta, it’s really a simple matter of basic logic. You see, when you announced that the quote “boy” and quote “woman” were to follow you, you failed to specify which of the females and which of the males you were actually talking about. Therefore, Goten and Dorothy assumed you must be talking to them. Now, if we take into consideration the frequency and wavelengths of your voice, we can clearly discern that—

Vegeta: If you don’t shut up right now, I swear to Dende—

RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT): Dende? I thought your god was Kami!

TennisPirate: Oh, that’s my fault. I don’t really know the difference. I figure, when swearing, they’re pretty much interchangeable…

Vegeta: As I was SAYING—

Goku: Saiyan? Hey, I’M A SAIYAN!! WAHOOOOO!! Do I win a prize? Do I? Do I?

RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT): You’re as bad as me.

Vegeta: Shut up, all of you, just SHUT UP!!!

TennisPirate: ~calmly~ Vegeta, why don’t you take your family home, and, this time, be specific who you’re talking about.

Bra: And don’t forget me this time!

Vegeta: Wha—you? When’d you get back here?

Bra: Just now!

TennisPirate: Wait, hang on… if Trunks is chibi, then Bra shouldn’t have been born yet!

Bra: ~turns into fetus~

Goten: Eww…

Trunks: Cool!

Vegeta: ARRGGHHH!!! Okay, okay: Purple-hair, Blue-hair, and… fetus… come on, we’re GOING HOME!!!

Fetus: ~sprouts legs and follows them~

Them: ~leaves~

Auntie Em: Blue? Purple? … Whoa, I just realized… this place… it’s… different…

Dorothy: That’s ’cause it’s in color, Auntie Em!

Auntie Em: Color? What is this… color?

Uncle Henry: It’s a work of the devil that’s not supposed to come along for a jillion years. Come on, Em, Dorothy, let’s get back to good-old sepia tones.

Dorothy: Yeah, good idea: these ruby slippers totally clash with my dress!

Them 2: ~leaves~

TennisPirate: Well, looks like it’s just me and you, now, RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT).

RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT): What? What about Goku and Chi Chi and Friend and everybody?

TennisPirate: Nope, they’re all gone.

RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT): Where’d they go?

TennisPirate: Hey, my back hurts, okay?! It’s time to end this screenplay! Sheesh… haven’t you ever heard of plot-device?

RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT): … Umm…

TennisPirate: Never mind… Come on, RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT), let’s make a fashionable exit. Ta-ta, everyone!

RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT): … Who are you talking to? I thought you said nobody was left!

TennisPirate: He is!

Nobody: ~waves~

RCWLSiRttP(BiSMSTYT): …

Them 3: ~leaves~

Cricket: ~chirps~

Mini Barney: Ha HA! She thought she made me disappear, but she didn’t! I’m still here! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!

Mini Hitler: Daahh, what are we gonna do tonight, Barney?

Mini Barney: The same thing we do every night, Hitler: try to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!!

—the end—

~ TP

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