Forest Dweller

Posted Jun 6, 2021, 12:30:03 AM UTC

I couldn't think up a better title since this was just for the moment.
I typically always hear people who hate vent art accusing people who draw it of being "attention seekers", even if they don't post it, or they do post it because, while they did vent, they were proud of their work and felt like showing it, but I just flat-out don't care. I'm not doing this for attention. (In fact, all attention towards me as an artist is negative attention to me unless it's hardly any.) I'm only posting this because it's more about the art than the subject. But if you are wondering why I drew it, it's because I've been having a rough time. In fact, I've had a rough life overall. Sorry for so many paragraphs, I wish I could just spoiler it all, but here's why I'm venting.
I drew this because I'm stuck remembering my entire history, how I was inspired by artists I looked up to to become a more serious artist myself and how I started off simply wanting to do something different from others around me and ended up being penalized for it because I didn't draw so-called "normal characters" like everybody else and instead, opted to go for a different take. My artwork would be made fun of, placed into "bad art" folders, some people would redraw it into hate art, and I even appeared in a cringe comp which lead to further harassment. I intended my artwork for people who would like it, I didn't expect people who didn't like it to even care about it, but they cared enough to make a mockery out of it and harass me, and because I made the stupid mistake of reacting poorly and immaturely, I ended up making myself look bad in the process, and while I do regret everything bad I've done, I still sit back and watch as people who have done so much worse are granted a second chance while I'm denied my opportunity for redemption.
I've been accused of serious crimes because of how some of my characters look or my social status, sometimes even because of how I word things when in fact, I'm either a victim of said crimes such as grooming, or I've gotten someone arrested for one of those crimes such as abusing animals in an unspeakable way.
I've even had my words twisted to make it sound like I'm threatening someone which I never intended, or that I claimed to be "every race in the world" which isn't true, I merely meant to say I could prove the existence of natural magic by demonstrating an example, and I merely stated I was every habitable continent in one person, meaning one ethnicity per continent. One, not all. That's about 6 ethnicities at least, I don't get how that's all of them, how is it so unbelievable that someone is 6 or more races with how much actual people today are mixing?
I couldn't help but feel like people were taking advantage of the fact that I'm autistic and therefore may have issues with my wording, and at least some did say that autistic people aren't smart. I've been mocked for this and called crazy, I've been made fun of for where I live and in fact, because my name and location were leaked, a dangerous person was sent to my house in an attempt to get me killed, so I was forced to move. I've been called every ableist slur in the book, I've also been called a moron, an idiot that just thinks they're smart, among vulgar insults, even claimed to have a low IQ. If I tried to prove that I'm indeed smart, I would be shot down with my proof denied or called a liar trying to make myself look smart. It affected me to the point that I started believing that I really was unintelligent.
Without naming names, I was framed for suicides that never happened, and labeled a murderer. I even reflected on myself and thought "God... did I really cause their deaths?" They eventually admit they were still alive, but I'm still labeled a murderer anyway.
I've been told to commit suicide, considered it, and even attempted it twice, only to be called a "suicide baiter" and accused of faking it because I had THE AUDACITY to actually survive, and surviving a suicide attempt means that because you're alive, you're faking suicide because you didn't die. Never mind the fact that my mother came to me, sobbing and begging for me not to die, which is another reason why I decided not to attempt again. I've been told I should have been aborted, that I have FAS despite my medical records proving otherwise, I received graphic hate art, death threats as mentioned above, rape threats, and I've had to seek therapy for it all, which is why I've been gone so long. I had to go to therapy. That and I have no platform so I felt like sharing anything would be pointless either way, and I'm sorry. I will never stop apologizing for things I did in the past either.
Still, so many people have told me I deserved it.
But aside from all of that, this image was meant to represent the fact that I felt like I would have been better off alone in a forest somewhere, isolated from society as a lonely animal trapped in the body of an individual who will never truly be understood. And although I'm not otherkin, I will never consider myself a person for that reason. I just want to be me. People are mean. Not all of them, but a lot are. But who cares? Why care when it's not you this is happening to? It seems I'm the only one who understands me. The artists I once looked up to, they blocked me or posted call-outs against me, causing their massive fan base to attack me in ways mentioned above. When I apologized, it didn't stop. My two cats who always came to comfort me at times like this passed away, now I feel alone. I'm the only one who knows everything about my life experiences while most will come to their own conclusion. I eventually became a misanthrope, believing all humans were out to get me. I'm not anymore, but I still trust no one by default. My trust has to be earned now. Until then, all I really have left is my art and my ability to put it out. I'm scared posting this because I'm worried all of this might happen again.
I also made a jinmenken version because my fursona likes to shapeshift. I can't wait until that's used against me too. As always, my artwork is not allowed to be reposted by anyone except me, and I'll be keeping my eyes open. I'll probably hide this if it causes any drama, but I was told that venting about it is a healthy thing and that I should do so. I've been told to "grow a thicker skin", meaning never getting upset. Bottling up my emotions only caused me to explode, bursting into tears, which resulted in further mockery, so I decided to do it in private. But vent art is still art, and I at least want to preserve it somewhere, although I can't imagine using this style for most of my backgrounds.

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