just want to talk...

Lilimayhem
Apr 29, 2008, 2:14:28 PM | 0 Comments | 4 min read

I just feel like talking to someone but I’m at work so I really cant talk to anyone here. I’m just thinking out loud anyway…I cant imagine blabbering about every thing that’s going on in my head to my few friends here. They’d think me nuts…or I’d see the «why is she telling me this» look on their faces. Anywho…

 

It’s been a while since I’ve felt this happy. Ever since I left my boy friend, I’ve been feeling like I’m finally on the right path. After 3 years of trying in vain to sit and fit into a mould that wasn’t for me, it’s quite liberating. Like coming out from under the water to finally have a breath of air. It’s not that I was unhappy with him, not a all. He was (and is) a very good man. He worked so very hard to build the life he wanted with me and me…well I was too lost to know I didn’t want it. Or that I wasn’t ready for it. He was ready, he’s always been ready. Me…I was trailing behind still struggling with my insecurities and lack of faith in myself. He wanted children and me even if I know I want kids…I wasn’t ready. I’m not ready. When I’ll have kids it’s when I’m good and ready. Some people tell me that if I wait to be ready I’ll never have kids because you can never be ready. Well I say, they didn’t have my parents. Those people haven’t lived in my shoes.

 

As I was saying. I feel like I’m finally living. I’m alive and living my life as I see fit. I will never forget myself in a relationship again. I know, never say never. But I think I’ve always been honest with myself and that I can see where I’ve made mistakes, I wont be doing them again. That’s the purpose of mistakes anyway…to learn and be better. If I hadn’t learned anything from my past mistakes, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I wouldn’t be happy and able to smile and laugh and enjoy life. I would be as dark and twisted as I was before.

For once, as I am alone, I see where I’m going. I don’t wish to absolutely find someone to live my life with. I’m not saying that if I meet someone I’ll close myself off. No, my eyes and heart will always be open to love. But I know that I don’t have to have someone in my life to find happiness. For now, I’m working to set my life back on track and I think I am headed in the right direction. If someone hops along, I’ll say who I am, what I hope of and want in life. If it fits with the person, good, if not well we’re not made for each other. I am and will always be nothing more then me. In a way, if I start to change who I am again for someone... not only am I deceiving myself but the person. And even more, if I change to meet the other’s hopes and dreams…then I’m starting a relationship wrong. How can it work if I’m not myself at the very beginning? If I’m pretending to be what he would want me to be just to make it work…when maybe it shouldn’t work, what’s the point?

 

Thinking out loud!

 

I hate people who smell bad!!!!!! Im saying this cuz there’s this old couple here and my GOD they stink! I hate bad smells…I have a sensitive nose…people don’t wash yourself in perfume ! Arghhhhhhhhhh

 

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