Writing Critique Requested

All about Hayano's written submissions.

Jordini has always loved to write, not just as a responsibility to summon her characters, but also as a genuinely fun experience. But one day, she decides to test a theory from the safety of her study, and goes to her imaginary world. Join her as she tries to find her characters.

In this short story, young adventurer Liam embarks on a quest to prove himself against a rat infestation plaguing his village. As he confronts his doubts and fears in the dim light of the forest, an unexpected encounter with the mysterious shark-man, Soulas, changes him to the core.

A black portal suddenly appears out of nowhere. It swirls in circle while distorting the scinery around it. Dima who is at front of it curiously reached her hand towards it. Upon contact, the air she felt from the tip of her finger felt different from where she currently is. “Looks like this is a portal that leads to another place.” She thought as a rough deduction because it felt different at the other side. After thinking for a moment, she decided to enter the gate to a new world.

The luster green she used to see is now gone as she opens her eyes. The place she is at now is filled with machinery like a manifestation of a sci-fi story. No natural life form is found, but the place is not empty. Everyone around here is made of metal or something that is not organic. As she moves around, she saw some small ball-shaped robots made of intricately interlocking gears and at the sky are some unmanned ships with massive energy wings that prevent lightning from striking the aircities. What a wonderful view, one might actually think, but for Dimah, its boring. The air is filled with monotonous sound of ether striking of iron from the building or the marching metal that strikes the ground. Dimah sighs without trying to hide her disappointment when suddenly, a mechanical attendant confronts her.

“Welcome to Avangard traveler, how can I help you”, a mechanical attendant said as it bows down and reach its artificial hand towards her.

“I’m looking for a place to stay for a few days.” She replied normally without showing any emotion, not even being shocked of the sudden encounter.

“As you wish my lady.” It said and bowed down again before leading the way.

The two walked around as the attendant talk about the historical value of each place they pass through. Dimah, doesn’t mind the carefree attitude of the attendant. It’s not like it will have any difference at all against a robot, she thought. After a few minutes of walk, they finally arrived. At front is a big metal door that automatically opened when it detected the two. A mechanical voice started to come from the door, “Welcome to the inn. How can we help you?”

Upon entering the inn, a robot in a butler attire behind the counter greeted her the same way as the door. “Welcome to the inn. How can we help you?”

The attendant that guided her butt in before Dimah can reply, “My job here is done traveler. Good luck with your stay here.” It then walked away facing backward while waving its hand from you then twist its waist to face the direction its walking through.

When the guide can no longer be seen, Dimah then replied to the butler like robot, “How much does it cost for staying here”?

“Ten grams of gold per night”, it replied.

Dimah thought for a bit and decided that she will need at least two days to tour the whole place and replied, “Two nights then”. She then reaches out a big coin of gold.

The butler like robot received the coin and analyzed it and replied, “Payment received confirmed. Analyzing payment value, twenty-two grams. Preparing laser to cut for exchange.” The left pointer finger of the robot turned into a laser and cut a chunk of the coin. It then gave it to Dima, “Transaction complete, here is the key to your room. It will be at floor eleven.”

She takes the key and walks towards the elevator. Inside the elevator, the other side of the wall is made of glass so anyone who ride it can enjoy the view. But then again, it’s a useless feature if everyone who live here are artificial life form.

“Ting” the elevator sounded as it reached the destinated floor. Dimah walked out and started looking for her room. While strolling on the floor, another robot greeted and asked for her key. She gave her the key and the robot started to analyze it. After a few seconds, the robot started to move with its little wheels while saying this way as it now knows where the room is. The small wheels are designed to be gentle with the majestic red carpet below, so it won’t be damaged. After a few turns, they are now in front of the room that matches the numbers on the key.

“We are now here. Please excuse me.” The robot said as it bowed and moved away.

The door does not have any keyhole but when Dimah moved the key closer, it automatically opened. White smoke scaped from the door as a gentle breeze pushed it out. It gave the guest an excite factor while slowly showing the luxurious interior. But then again, Dimah is indifferent. She already saw a lot of things from the past for such a thing to excite her. Like the elevator, one of the walls of the room is made of mirror. She stood near it to make a clear view of Avangard. As she thought, everything is artificial. There is no natural beauty inside it. To here, the place is almost useless if it can’t serve the living, makes her wonder what the creator is thinking when he made this place. Did he eradicate all living things to make a space for his machines, or this place does not have any living things on it in the first place? Dimah shakes her hade while deeming its not important. She then opened the case of her guitar and asked, “Can you sense something here?” A brief silence, then a sinister melody started to play inside. Dima closed the case as if she understands what it means with just a few beats. She gets out of her room and out of the inn. She now meets the metallic noise she heard when she just got here. She then pulls her hood on and take a step towards the direction that is the center of Avangard.

A sequel to The Written Works set after the story has taken place, showing Jordini's struggle to adjust back to the real world. Join her showing more about this written world, and coming back only to realize that nothing in it make any sort of sense.

Noteii navigates the holiday trafffic

3. You arrive home. The guest you ordered the present for is due to arrive soon. It's time to spruce up your place and yourself for the visit. Draw or write about your character preparing for your guest's visit. Do they put on a fancy outfit? Or an obnoxiously holiday themed one? Do they bake something delicious? Do they hang mistletoe? Do they notice things nearby where they set the gift... disappearing?

A long road ahead, a slime suddenly jumps out from a push at the sideline. Dimah noticed it and dodged. Dodging it is actually easy since its slow. And waiting for its next attack is quite boring as well. She uncovered her guitar and played a song. The wind danced as she flickers the strings to complete her chant to paralyze the already slow-moving slime. She then unsheathes a sword hidden within the guitar as the slime trembles like it also knows what’s fear is. She then stabbed the slime with it. It’s like stabbing a sticky water with the very little resistance. It’s not difficult but disgusting, some particle is still on the sword. While returning the sword inside the guitar, it screeched in discontent, like asking her to wash it off before putting it back. She posed for a bit, but still shove it in after like it’s not her problem at all.

A story that follows Issac, a member of the Kemuma race.

Once a mere farmer now homeless after failing to pay his bills.

The creator steals Baal's clothes, and now he has to wear hers. For now.

What is your character's favorite item they like to carry with them? Why? Draw or write about your character with their item.

A college professor investigates an anomaly while his student follows him to a portal.

Clock has been living and fending for himself outside the walls, the massive dounting walls. It's finally time to enter, however a small robot in a world of humanoids isn't going to easily get passed border patrol. 

Ov-3r Clock is a small robot. However, with the help of the Ov-3r Drive sheild he's not to small anymore. And now here he is, testing the waters of a power he knows little about. 

Porter fixed her talisman, the opal necklace often itched, however, she never removed it, she was strolling down a ravine, and her sense was well in the lacking, she nearly slipped and did her best to keep off the edge. She did her best not to, but the wet edge was taunting her. Her oak bow gripped firmly, her sheath still wet from the day's earlier rain. She slid her palm and fingers across the side of the ravine, she glanced at the rushing, ruthless waters crashing through underneath her feet, the ledge she was walking along was barely wide enough to walk normally. Her focus was only broken by the shrill and ear-threatening scream. Porter looked over the edge, her stomach already doing flips, the water underneath, crashing and eroding the ravine wall made her feel sick to the stomach. Her eyes darted across the walls, but nothing, she could see nothing, just wet rock, and a violent river. She finally caught a glance of a small brunette elf, gripping the ledge a few hundred feet away, and then she felt it, a small drop of water gently landing on the tip of Porter's nose. She gasped and looked at the heavy dark clouds. More drops of rain fell, light at first but with every step Porter took to help to other Elf it seemed to grow harder. The elf's fingers slipped with the slippery rock. One of her hands fell to her side, as she screamed again, Porter leaped for her, her feet gave under her landing and she herself nearly flung off the edge, if her palms and forearms hadn’t caught her, her chin would have her jaw would be cracked or even broken. The sharp dripping rocks scrapped her skin, she could feel the sting rippling up her nervous system. She yelped and sat up as quickly as she could, rubbing her sore stinging arms and hands. She glanced at the elf, looking desperate with her one hand threatening to let her body go, falling into the raging waters that would swallow her whole, smashing her against rocks, and beating her to a pulp in an instant. Porter couldn’t let that happen. She scrambled to her feet, clinging to the wall as she struggled to draw back her bow, the arrow pointed right at the girl, the arrowhead dripping with rain. She drew back on the drawstring launching an arrow at the girl's fingertips, then she shot another, they sliced into the rock in front of the girl who let out a squeak as they struck the stone. Soon she caught Porter's plan, her unattached arm swung up and grabbed the arrow supporting her weight, her other hand broke from the ledge and grabbed the other arrow, Porter with a final effort launched at her, grabbing her wrists and wincing at her screeching palms, hauling her up the ledge, exhausted, wet and traumatized, the two elven girls sat panting, staring at each other with new affection.

A series of short writing based around my character, Nebula. 

Eliza Lowery is many things. Responsible is not one of them. While she lives in the present, she wonders about her future, what kind she wants, and what she should do to secure it. That is if she has one to begin with. 

Ferris doesn'r know how he got here. One moment he was looking for unlucky travelers who had gotten lost so he could steal their food, and the next he was being chased by a giant slime. He doesn't want to become slime food and he has to think of something to do--fast.

As Lady Dominicale readies her campsite for the night, she thinks idly of the Seer who helped her discover her Latent Element.

Prompt: Did your character have a mentor who taught them how to use their element? Explore that relationship through art or story.

This might be a bit longer than intended lmao. I got carried away with my idea of Seers, mentors for hire in noble society who help kids manifest their elements. I have no idea if there's actual lore for this sort of thing and if my idea is totally bonkers. But if you get through the whole thing, thanks for reading! Comments and critique would be greatly appreciated. Also lore, if you know the lore. Thank uuu

Noteii and his opinions on doing the dishes