Understanding Women - Chapter 1

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Understanding Women

by Piglet

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For millenia men have strived to understand women. They have baffled us for so long, I thought it was time to reveal a few of woman's more closely guarded secrets.

Most of us have heard that old platitude that the workings of womankind are unfathomable to men. The reason most men cannot ever hope to understand women is simply because they have super-powers and we don't.


For example, women have ears like a chameleon's eyes. They operate independently. Don't ever dare say bad things about your girlfriend in her company even when she is in deep conversation with somebody else. She will hear you, patiently finish her chat, then turn to you with a look of cold reproach and give you some serious chutney about whatever slanderous thing you said about her.


It is a medical fact that men have larger brains than women, leading us guys to boastfully justify that we are therefore smarter. This is a woefully false assumption. Men only use one third of their big brain while women use just about all of theirs. This power enables them to remember every detail that goes on in their lives right back to birth. They can recall the date, time and even tell you what the weather was doing on that day. A woman always remembers anniversaries of important events as well as those events us men might deem trivial, and we hapless chaps are viciously reviled if we don't display the same aptitude. God save us if we can't remember that seven years ago today we first went shopping together and what colour shoes she bought at the time!


The motor skills of a woman are an enchantment to watch. A woman can beat eggs, paint her toenails without going outside the lines and cut cucumber all at the same time. Conversely, a man finds it difficult operating the TV remote whilst scratching his crotch. I have personally tried it and I almost always get the wrong channel. However, to my credit, I rarely have trouble locating my crotch.


Nobody has ever caught this on film, but women have the ability to shed their skin. When a woman wakes up in the morning, she may resemble the crazy cat-throwing lady from The Simpsons, just without the cats and the unintelligible abuse. Then after a meager two hours locked in the bathroom, she emerges like an exquisite goddess. I have often scampered into the bathroom immediately after such transformations, hoping to find the cast off epidermis, but to no avail. Clearly the cunning vixens flush their shells down the lavatory. I frequently wonder what sewage workers make of these things.


It is my theory that women are, like reptiles, cold-blooded. They need the warmth of the sun to get them going. This is why women take so long getting ready to go out at night. By nighttime their blood has cooled and they have become sluggish. I am going to patent a makeup dresser with a sunlamp to speed up the getting-ready-to-go-out process.


I hope these revelations will help more men understand women and their curious ways.

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