Sorry my response took ages! I've just been SO busy lately had 2 weekends in a row of service >.< Urgh. And no sleep Killy gets grumpy at computer with no sleep.
OK- so crit. First thing, you'll see in my crit that I've closed their eyes. Open eyes when kissing is actually pretty creepy, and you can't see much so people usually close their eyes for a sensual kiss. If the kiss is meant to be non consensual, then perhaps one of them may be looking for a visual reaction in which case... Urgh. I know alot of people that don't like it when partners watch as they kiss cause they can feel it. IT's like... their parents walking in on them or something.
The next thing I've done is brought back the seme's jaw cause the angle of the head tilt threw you off a bit. Jaws withdraw backwards with the movement of an open mouth, which I assume they have? The angle of the face is also a bit of an issue. Not the jaw line, but the nose / cheek / eye area. your style is a little too imprecise for me to see what's going on behind the hair. The angle on the two faces... I'm not entirely sure it's a kissing pose since the uke seems to be glancing away from the seme rather than straight on, but those are SO difficult to do without a reference. This is why I can't tell if it's consensual or not I assume it is, so when I say all of this, they're all elements that bring the emotion to the picture. Make it certain that it's sensual. The nose... it looks like it could be invading in uke's face space, but noses bend so there is lenience for this. As I said, it's a little difficult.
I suggest going off referances. http://bloodyparadize.deviantart.com/art/Kiss-17805532?q=boost%3Apopular%20kiss&qo=11 This is a nice man on man angle. Their lips aren't touching, but you can feel a huge amount of passion already cause of the angles and the serene closing of their eyes and stuff.
I hope this is helpfull. Its difficult for me to critique more eastern hybrid styles, but when I say that all good eastern artists base their art off photographs and real people, don't be afraid to reference to HECK. There is no shame in doing so as long as you credit the original references you used. Learning correctly and drawing frequently is the fastest way to improve your art. And that's a promise