Just thinking out loud.
I feel a bit depressed today. Not really depressed but, I don’t know, a bit down, out of it? I feel like sitting in a comfy chair with a good cup of herbal tea and just stare outside. I wish sometimes that I could stop my mind from thinking. I know, there’s meditation for that but I can’t stop thinking long enough for me to meditate.
(Insert long sigh here)
I’m getting old. No offence to those older them me. I’m talking about me here not you. Yeah, I’m getting old…soon to be 28. I still remember when I was 14 eager to be 16 because 16 was the age of the planeteers and I wanted, oh how I wanted to be one of them. Now I’m 28 and I’m no planeteers. What am I? An accounting secretary. Whoop dee do. I know, I know, my job does not define me but I would be happier if my job was something else. I always wanted to be a Nurse. When I was still in school, and the time for me to make my choice about my future career, I was so neck deep in my personal hellish life that the only thing important was to get away as far as possible from my father and his wife. So I did and as soon as I was far and finally out of there…I went a bit crazy. I say crazy because I finally had my teenage angst, at 19. All the frustration, pain, anger that I had to bottled down were started to resurface. I drank, took drugs…stopped going to my classes and eventually I dropped my program. Back then I did the only thing I could have done. Today, I’m not to proud of it. It’s no use to regret it, there was no other option back then, but still…
Now, I have to work in what I have experience in. Accounting. If I had enough money I’d go back to college and finally be a nurse. But alas, I just don’t make enough money. I have to pay my debts, my car, my pc…etc etc etc. I can’t stop working like that. Once in the workings of capitalism it’s hard to stop working to make a dream come true. Maybe all of this are just excuses…
Im tired to be alone. I have a part time boy friend. 6 months he’s with me, when he doesn’t work and 6 months he’s in Florida. I’m sick of living like this. I’m tired of having a part time boy friend.
I need to shake things up. There are too many things in my life that aren’t to my liking. Why am I waiting? What am I waiting for now that I think of it? For boyfriend’s promises of a distant future where we’ll finally have a house, where he wont work so much? I don’t want to wait my youth away dammit!