Thinking!

Lilimayhem
Apr 25, 2009, 1:18:32 PM | 0 Comments | 4 min read

It's been a while since I wrote. I feel like apologizing but I have no idea if some people have actually read what I've been writing in the past...but ah...anyway.

Love.

Love...

Love!

Why does it seems like the only thing I have problems with in my life is love? I've had a shitty childhood. Are you born with self esteem and self worth or is it your parents that gives that to you? Either it's been stripped from me or they never showed me I was someone worthy of being. It's been hard but I think I have worked past that. Today I know I am a good person, I am worthy. I love myself. I lacked so much confidence that for many years I hid inside an office doing accounting, knowing I hated it and still doing nothing to change anything. At 29 I found in myself the courage to change career path and do what I should have always done. Medicine. I know it is useless to say that, but had I have more faith in myself...I'm pretty sure I'd be a Generalist Doctor by now(sorry I did a direct translation here in french it's Medecin generaliste.) I could still be one I guess, but it is a choice I am making to be a nurse. I am after all 29 and I would like to have a house with the white picket fence one day in the none too far future. But anyway, the point is...finally that is working out! I have been undoing the walls around me, I am opening up to life, to people. I have been hurt and beaten and now I have been opening myself up again. Going from hiding hunched up in a corner to a strong woman standing on her two feet facing life straight on.

Now I want love.

Maybe I shouldn't be impatient. After all I cant be working on all front all at once. I had many things to straighten out. My life hasn't been normal. At 18, when most people my age are worry free and going to college with their parents smiling at them, me I was crying and running away and doing what I had to do, mainly rebellion... At 23-24 when most people my age are probably having a career, me I was realizing that I had a rough life and I had to work on that before trying to do anything else in my life. It would have been like trying to build a castle on a trembling mountain, or a house on quick sand. Today, I believe I can stop and look back on everything that I have worked on and be proud. Yeah at my age I am not where most people are...where some say I should be...like married, kids, house (like life is suppose to be same for everyone, like there was one frame of reference on life), but well my life hasn't been like everyone's .I had to take different paths.

I think now I'm ready for love. Am I? Is it something I have to work on now? True I have dreamed love, I have written about love. But have I ever really thought about my ability to love? I say I'm unlucky...that guys that I want never end up liking me and guys I don't want...end up wanting me. Maybe it is not really that I am unlucky...maybe I am just doing things wrong? Do I let myself really be with a man I know I don't love and get all...weird with man I would like? Do I push people away unconsciously? I know that when a man confesses is attraction for me I get scared. Why? Why am I scared? My first reaction is to close myself up and try to push that person away. I want love but I am scared of it. Is it easier to dream about, to write about, to sigh about it then...to live it. Then to actually...love...?

?

 

Post a comment