My Side Of The Story: RICA

It was around that time in my life when the belief that people will always take your kindness for weakness was cemented in my mind. It's true. Nice people get taken advantage of and stepped on. But if you're nasty, people will stay out of your way for fear of provoking you. Those around me constantly proved it.

The places where I went were mostly black. Asians were rare, and there were plenty of stereotypes everywhere. Sometimes I'd just walk in somewhere and they'd immediately start whispering and giggling, and then I'd have to prove to them that the image they had in their heads was wrong. I'd even have staff members make racial slurs towards me (you know the "ching chong" thing, the "Jackie Chan" comments, the slanty eyes), and if I told authorities no one cared. No one ever considered it racism, especially if it came from a black person since it's a widespread belief that "black people can't be racist" and that racism is racism ONLY if it's towards African-Americans.

And if you're Asian, you know you're nodding your head in agreement as you're reading this. Advice for you: put whoever it is back in their places. Be violent if you have to. That is the only way I ever got people to back the fuck up. Ignoring it will not work-that gives them the idea that you're an easy target and they can do whatever they want to you and get away with it. You need to show them that they can't get away with it, and only then will anything change.

When I returned to Open Door, there were already two kids there; Patrick and Antoinette.

"What are you, Chinese?" I recall Antoinette asking me when I arrived, sniggering at me. And she and Patrick began laughing at me for being Asian.

I immediately accused her of being racist and started an argument with her and made racial slurs right back at her. Mr. Bruno, one of the staff members, had to come in and intervene.

Needless to say, we got off on the wrong foot. Soon a girl named Amanda (a ridiculously common name), who was homosexual, arrived. Antoinette bullied her over it at first, but then the two became pretty close and then she and Patrick hooked up.

Me? I stayed to myself unless I was blowing up at someone. I picked up a habit of throwing things at the wall and smashing objects everytime I felt like hitting someone. It was much better than actually getting into a fight, but I still sometimes got consequenced like I had actually hit someone. By the time it had been two weeks and my social worker came to pick me up to take me to RICA, I'd basically turned the whole place against me. No, maybe "against" is the wrong word. I don't know if they hated me, but I know they were definitely weary of me, especially since my behavior was so contrary to the image of the "role model student" they had of me.

They thought they could take advantage of me because I was Asian. They thought they could bully me and I wouldn't respond. So when I was zapping out all the time, they didn't expect it.

It turned out my antics had led them to place me for a two-month evaluation at RICA, the...something...Institute for Children and Adolescents. I can't quite remember. It was a bit like the prelude to Sheppard Pratt, which I'd later enter- the similarities were there, but it was nowhere near as rigid and the people were nowhere near as violent.

My unit-the evaluation unit-was the only co-ed unit in the place, I think. The rules and structure were a lot like a regular group home or emergency shelter, except it was nicer looking than Open Door. It definitely had more people, what with multiple buildings for different age groups divided into separate units of around eight kids. They had their own cafeteria and their own school, and the classrooms only had about ten students maximum.

This was the first level five school that I'd been to. Before then, I, like everyone else, thought 'special ed' was for kids that were stupid. Not the case. It turns out most of them required more attention because of behaviorial problems and emotional problems which they had because of their abnormal situations.

And level five was the highest you could go without actually having to live in the school. RICA had students that lived there (like me), but it also had students who didn't live there that only went to school there during the day. As far as schoolwork, I didn't have to worry about a thing. It was so ridiculously easy I don't know how they got away with calling that place a school. Of course there were no extracurricular activities or anything that came with a normal school setting either-just basic education.

I got something to say to all you people who make "short bus" jokes and look down on these kids in your ignorance. Most of these so-called "retarded" kids are actually SMARTER than average students. If you are a ward of the state, they'll throw you in one of these without the slightest hesitation the minute you show signs of distress (which you would of course have given whatever it is you're going through, but the state doesn't care, they just want to stick you in an easy placement and get work off of their shoulders). They threw me in there because of a few outbursts, and I'd been taking all honors courses and still making A's before all this happened.

Then there's the bias-most of the people who end up in these places are foster children who are with the Department of Social Services or kids in legal trouble with the Department of Juvenile Services. Wards of the state either way. The state, which has no emotional attachment to you whatsoever, is 99% more likely to throw a kid in these facilities than a family. Sometimes a child is put in these centers by their actual families; while it does happen, it's very rare.

To all you people with enormous egos, sticking your noses way up in the air thinking that this never happened to you because you're too good for it: get your heads up out of the clouds. All you did was get lucky-if fate was to play with you a little, make something traumatic happen to you and make you a ward of the state somehow, you'd end up institutionalized in no time.

I've seen foster children get thrown in hospitals for being too quiet-what makes you think you're so holy?

Damn. Where was I? Description. Not much to describe. Like I said, it was smiliar to Open Door, asides from being a campus, much more populous and with its own doctors and nurses who watched and monitored every aspect of your life. Oh, and it had a "level system" for privileges. Level seven was the highest you could go-freedom everywhere, you could even leave the grounds with permission. Level one you were unit-restricted and couldn't even leave your unit's part of the building. RICA had more funding than Open Door, and they could promise more regular outings (if you were on the right level). There was also better socialization. Part of the schedule included "group activities" during the evenings, where if you weren't restricted and were on the right level, you could choose to go to art groups, sports groups, etc. that the staff got together to conduct.

One thing that was excellent-well, to me at least, was the food. Most of the kids hated it and called it "disgusting" but I don't know why. I loved it. I ate like a pig there.

During the weekends, most kids left to go to their foster families or on sign-outs and visits. I had a roommate, who I'll call K, that kind of challenged my views on rape. She had sex with her stepfather (I think) willingly, but it was because he told her that if she didn't, he wouldn't love her anymore. Does that count? Yes, he deliberately used his power over her as her father figure to manipulate her into doing something he knew she didn't want to.

I got really jealous watching other kids get visits and sign-outs, though. I was the only person I knew who did not get any sign-outs or visits from anyone. I didn't have a lot of people on my call list that I was allowed to contact.

I did, however, meet my "mother" and my little brother again for the first time in months through my therapist (number four out of over thirty). My father was still not allowed to have any contact with me, as ordered by the court.

If Chan was affected in the least by everything that had happened, he didn't show it. He just sat there acting like the adorable nine-year-old boy that he was, the little boy that charmed everyone. I wanted to talk to him or at least say something but I couldn't bring myself to it. So for most of the meeting I just sat there awkwardly.

"Do you miss us?"

Silence.

"Do you miss da-"

"-Miss, you have to speak English to her." The therapist would look at my brother with adoration, interrupt, and when he turned to look at me his expression changed to one of disgust. "We have to be able to understand what you're saying."

And that was basically it. After that I requested that there be no more visits, no more "family therapy" sessions. It was too awkward, too weird. It wasn't that I hated them and never wanted to see them again. It was just-I don't really know.

The therapist in question's name was Dr. Stefano. Thinking of him makes my blood boil. I didn't talk to him-the way he'd look at me, talk to me, he was biased against me. He spent most of the sessions rolling his eyes at me. He tried to normalize my beatings because it was the norm in my country-that hurt so much after being blamed for years by my family and called a traitor. He'd actually AGREE with them? Rape is normal in plenty of other countries, does that mean he thinks it's okay to rape as well as long as it's ok in your country? I get the feeling he thought of children as sub-human and that's why he thought that way. He was siding with my parents, I guess he kind of took a liking to them after he met them. And why is it that therapy is said to be confidential but they tell the state everything? He started twisting around every fucking thing I said to make me look as bad as possible simply because he had taken a liking to my parents and was now biased against me because of that. His haughty, pompous attitude and moral superiority he assumed.

And no, Dr. Stefano, I DON'T think it should be everyone's goal to be perfect you pretentious, high-and-mighty, holier-than-thou bastard. Perfection doesn't exist because it's all a matter of opinion and people have different tastes. Someone that one person considers to be perfect, another might consider them to be awful. Someone that one person considers to be right, another considers to be wrong. People like different things. No matter what you do, someone's always gonna hate you. And even if everyone could agree on one definition of perfection it still wouldn't exist cause then we'd all be the same, we'd be montous and inhuman and more like robots and it'd be boring and bland.

I called someone dumb as a general insult (didn't literally mean dumb, just meant I didn't like them) and he twisted that around and wrote that I'm a know it all or some shit because Penny had said that. Yeah, cause if a little group of 2-3 people maximum who watched you for 3 weeks maximum says something it MUST mean that it's true, even if they're the ONLY people saying it. It can't possibly be because those people are overly judgmental or anything (OMG how DARE she say wisdom doesn't come with age!). By that logic he must be the worst therapist in the world since that's what the kids say about him, oh but if it's him he'll deny it but if it's someone else it's AUTOMATICALLY true. If everything anyone ever said about us is automatically true, then we must all be quite a lot of things at once, since everyone says something different/has a different opinion of us. EVERYONE has people that hate them and try to make them look bad, if everything people say about anyone is immediately true we all must be terrible, terrible people.

Sometimes people assume things, such as someone assuming that if someone's not in college it MUST mean they're just lazy people who don't know what they want because they themselves are ignorant people who think that there isn't a single career path that doesn't require people miscommunicate and misunderstand others. Sometimes there's things going on others don't know about. Sometimes people get overly judgmental about little things and jump to conclusions without having all the information. Some people have projection issues and accuse others of being like themselves. Sometimes people just get jealous and start twisting things around. Some people are overly paranoid and have persecution complexes. And you can bet people twist things around in their own favor. Sometimes people just immediately start repeating things other people say. People will leave things out, make certain things up, twist the truth and if they don't like you, sometimes even make things up out of thin air. Sometimes a person just acts/puts on a facade on the outside for one reason or the other but that's not who they are. Just because things seem a certain way to you, doesn't mean that's how things are. There is more to a person than what meets YOUR , it's the person talking that has perception issues, such as someone with a persecution complex making every little thing someone does out to be them being incredibly rude, or someone who is a feminazi who thinks in order for women to be strong they have to look and act exactly like men and call any woman showing the slightest bit of femininity weak, and calling women bad role models for daring to have children. Sometimes you get them during the wrong time, and if someone who usually is friendly becomes friendly only for 2 days due to stressful circumstances and you see them only for those two days and judge them it doesn't mean that's what they are, it means you're a judgmental asshole. So no, just because someone says something about you doesn't mean it's true.

And even if it is, that doesn't mean it's okay for you to say it. You don't praise yourself too much even if it's true cause it's arrogant, you don't call someone ugly even if it's true because it's rude. You don't pass judgment on others unless you can say you're perfect because it makes you a hypocrite, it makes it a case of pot calling the kettle black.

And no, Jenny, I WON'T consider that the things you say may be true because you have no way of knowing after 2 weeks of observation max and you're the only people saying it. About the "other people can notice things about us we don't notice" thing...if they KNOW you and they've observed you for 3 years, THEN they can notice things about you. After 1 month you're just jumping to conclusions and making assumptions and being judgmental. Especially when it comes to things that are purely opinion (i.e. someone that one person finds strong and assertive another finds to be rude. Some people think homosexuality is wrong, others think homophobia is wrong. Someone that one person might find to be a sweetheart others will look at them and say they're weak. You can never please everyone, and just because someone says something about you does not automatically mean it's true especially if it's something purely subjective.)

And yes sometimes it IS everyone else that's the problem, people thought the Earth was flat a while ago. In some countries EVERYONE thinks women should be stoned to death for showing their wrists, forced to cover themselves and are literally property. Does that mean they are right? NO! Sometimes it IS everyone else that has a twisted point of view/everyone else deciding to be prejudiced against someone because they're different or because they are something that those people don't like.

If everything that anyone ever said about anyone was true then that means Beyonce is arrogant and Celine Dion is a terrible singer since that's what their detractors say about them. Oh wait...but they're not.

The RICA staff (Penny, Jenny, etc.) had these weird "God" complexes and believe they were some sort of Supreme Judge of the Universe and were better than everyone else and flawless and had the right to be extremely judgmental about every. little. thing. And that everything they said about anyone else was always one hundred percent true, but if anyone ever said anything about them then they were just "being a know-it-all". It's the weirdest thing. At first when I was quiet and kept to myself they were all "OMG she must be a pushover and coward!" and attempted to test me, but the minute I respond it changes to "OMG! She's a BITCH she's belligerent OMG!" Which one is it? These people can never make up their minds. If everything you say about me must automatically be true I'm a pushover and coward and a belligerent bitch at the same time?

I hate those kind of people-people who judge others based on rumors they've heard/read whether they have proof of it being true or not.

That is why I began to hate and distrust therapists. I had a shitload of therapists everywhere I went cause foster children are usually required to be in therapy, like 35 of them, and I really didn't like any of them, most of them just sat there doing nothing, waiting for me to talk.

Once again, I'm the bad guy for telling and it's evil for me to not want to be abused.

Apart from the occasional outburts and arguments (usually with Lakisha...was that how it was spelled?), I got into trouble around three times. One time was when they found me cutting myself. They stripped my room of my belongings, put me on watch and room restriction. Of course no privileges. That was nothing compared to Sheppard Pratt's 'close observation' and 'suicide watch', but it was enough for me to feel a bit awkward.

There was also a girl named Skye who tried to bully me because once again, she looked down on me for being Asian. She thought I wouldn't fight back cause I was Asian. But when I fought back she knew she was wrong and backed off.

The staff I felt were ridiculously judgmental and hypocritical. They assumed things about you based on what they heard from your parents. As judgmental as they were towards the kids, if I said anything towards them it was all "don't try to pretend that you know what's going on, have you considered that there's things going on you don't know about". um, do YOU ever consider that when it comes to the kids you judge?

I only got in one actual fight with a girl named Skye. And that, honest to goodness, was not my fault. We were in the middle of an art group making some sort of jewelry and I guess I looked at her some way that she didn't like. It was stupid as hell.

"What are you looking at?"

I blinked at her. "What, I can't even look at you?"

It escalated from there and somehow we started hitting each other. It wasn't anywhere near a serious fight. The only time I got restrained was when a staff member-Penny, I think-made some comments towards me. Because once again, I stood up for a kid who was being bullied. I just went in my room and started banging on things. It went on for thirty minutes or so, and they called staff to restrain me to the ground. If I didn't do as told they were going to put me in a straight jacket, so I stayed calm. About the staff. Ridiculously judgmental and hypocritical, they pick on every little goddamn thing the kids do to make them look bad. Not to mention how when one person says something all the others jump in and agree so they can be cool, and their hypocricy. You judge people you don't know anything about for a living but if anyone says anything about you it's all "OMG you dont know what's going on have you considered there are things going on that you don't know about?" Do YOU consider that when it comes to the people you judge? Especially that one rat-faced bitch, Jenny, who was the most judgmental bitch out of all of them. Every little thing and she's all "oh you're this you're that" not only to me but to everyone she meets, but doesn't think anyone should be allowed to say anything about her, what a hypocrite. Not to mention how she seems to be convinced that people need to change themselves to suit her taste and please her. Bitch go get fucked. and Penny too, for calling me selfish for practicing too loud so the others couldnt hear the TV, when she was the one who TOLD me to do that and not let other people stop me from practicing.

Minor thing, but Penny was also one of those people who ASSumed all anime was tentacle because of a few anime she'd seen even though she probably can't even name five anime off the top of her head. Makes my blood boil.

And after the two month evaluation was over, they approved of me leaving and not having to stay there. Open Door had now become the default answer when I needed a place to stay but did not have a placement (that's what shelters are for, duh), and I returned there for the third time.