A Crossroad: Love Letter

Dear Mr. Thorson,
Admittedly, these are some of the strangest and most free-flowing feelings I have ever had which explains the birth of this letter. Oddly enough, I've often found this character in myself in my letters of past that exclaimed my unydying love and affection for you. Of course, this probably won't be much different except for a few plot twists here and there. I've arranged all of these thoughts on paper first, but my script is not the most elegant and there are too many things I want to say to you that won't fit in the minimal space allowed for texting. Plus the computer always cleans things up the best. But they do say feelings pour out the best with a pen and paper, don't they?  Humor me. Just keep reading. I promise I won't start it with "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." I never understood that line anyway. How can you have the best of both at the same time? Ahh, I digress. Please read on.
   It all started with a heartache about to be. It was about this same time two years ago, actually. And I admit I was foolish to think I had even an inkling of feelings for this kid, this "Chris." This young, galliant knight of a boy who hailed from the kingdom of Omaha.
  (Hmm...hindsight is one of the best and most perverse gifts we humans have. We never have this gift until it's too late.)
  I confessed to "Chris" all of my absurdities, my insecurities, my hopes, my dreams, my Being. My head was screaming in warning at me that he might be one of those guys that prey upon lonely, vulnerable females so he could be their "Savior."  Though once he had drank his fill of that person and the nectar his saving brought, he'd toss them aside and begin a quest for a new emotionally inept maiden. It turns out I was right. Only this maiden was one of my best on-line pals. We'll call her "M." Apparently, they had been secretly "on-lining" each other for quite some time behind my back.
  (The key to understanding me and my behaviors is to first understand that I get certain feelings about people. Sometimes I'm right about them, sometimes I'm not. But I'm always cautious of people...much like one of the sharks that I love so much. I take that first investigatory bite and if I sense my prey will be harmful to me in any way, I swim away, turning my back on it forever.  That is how it has always been. People tell me I just have an inability to trust people. Perhaps, perhaps not. But they didn't have to grow up like I did with all the pain of my past and the people who were supposed to love me. Perhaps I'm just eager to protect myself from any more unnecessary harm.)
   "Why don't you have any friends?"
Gee, I really wonder why, "Chris." Friends can betray you and stab you in the back, just the same as lovers. Wouldn't you agree, "M?" 
(Looking back on it now, I suppose I shouldn't blame her too much, though. Even in the animal kingdom, there is always a younger, stronger animal of the same kind that tries to overthrow the dominant leader and claim the leader's place.Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. And if it doesn't work, the leader has no problem with turning its back on the one who just challenged it, removing it from the pack forever and never looking back. The leader ALWAYS remembers who has hurt it or tried to hurt it. And let me just interject for a moment here to say that if you feel the need to get something to eat or drink or use the bathroom or something, feel free. I'll wait.)
   And so, much like the shark, the prey can be too good to ignore sometimes. Much like my infatuation with "Chris." Up until I met him, I lived in my own little bubble of misery damning myself every day for rushing so quickly into a marriage with someone. "But it was the right thing to do," or at least that's what I kept telling myself.
  But sometimes it gets very lonely being a shark. Being cautious and ever-vigilant of everyone and everything around you at all times.  So I signed up on a few gothic websites hoping to make something of a friend. To my surprise I ended up with more than a few admirers. Me. Plain old lonely me. But "Chris" was the sweetest. Nobody could sweet talk me the way he could. He was so good at it. Too good. Too practiced. Too precise. I should have listened to my inner warning siren then, but he was such a sweet ambrosia that left me wanting more. That was the end of my lonliness. Or so I thought.
  (In hindsight, I wish I would have never introduced him to "M". My friend...my challenger...my successor. Though with her being only 17 and living in a completely different state than him, I knew that she'd never be able to have him the way I did. Their relationship would be more cyber than physical. Later on I found out that he did the same thing to her that he had done to me leaving me having the last laugh. But maybe I shouldn't do that though. Laugh at other people's misery. But then again, maybe it is my right to laugh because they brought it upon themselves. The strangest part was when they had both come crying back to me trying to apologize. It was too late though. I had already banished them from my pack. Like I said, the leader never forgets who betrays it.  "Chris" had ripped open my chest, played with my heart for a while, and then he threw it on the floor when he was done with it.)
   In the end, the pain was still there from what he did to me. How he had deceived me. For a while I'd look at my heart laying at the floor and kick it from time to time for being so stupid.
  But then, I met this guy named Mr. Thorson. I was kicking my heart one day and then Mr. Thorson came along and picked it up. Not only that, he brushed the dirt off of it, put it back in my chest and sewed me back up. Something "Chris" had forgotten to do.  I was taken aback by him at first. I didn't know what to think of him. I was vulnerable and cautious. He was too interesting and way too beautiful to want anything to do with me, right? There was just simply no way this radiantly amazing creature that emanated power and beauty could ever want to tangle himself up with me.  I took my first investigatory bite. I was intrigued.
  My heart began to beat again and even raced in my chest. He wanted me to join him on some site with the word "cherry" in it. "Yes sir. Anything for you." He had a few admirers on this site. So did I, but none of them could hold my attention like he could. I felt like I was 16 again. Can you believe he wanted to send me a picture of him in the shower? To my dismay though, the picture was blurred from the steam of his shower "or maybe just the heat pouring from his hot body," I thought as I examined the picture looking for any outline of him.
  For a while, we we got to know each other on-line. The quizzes we sent back and forth to each other helped with that. In one particular quiz, I learned something about him that I had never expected. Apparently Mr.Thorson was a virgin. How utterly wonderful! I was gracious more than shocked at his revelation. This God-like man was perfectly untouched...well for the most part, anyway.
  I could barely keep my eyes off of pictures of him. At this point I still didn't read alot into it. After all he was all the way down in another state. I was in Nebraska. Yet I couldn't ignore the pounding in my chest when I opened an e-mail from him or talked to him at all.
  I remember our first phone call. Or rather my first call to him. He didn't pick up so I left a message on his voicemail apologizing for sounding like a 10 year old little boy. (I have a very young voice.) Thankfully he called me back. I remember the nervousness the first time I heard his voice. So Angelic. Like a lullabye that I had heard when I was a child. It soothed me and soon enough I was at ease and able to talk to him as freely on the phone as I could on-line. We continued with our phone relationship for quite some time and at this point I was sure of three things...
1) My sadness caused by "Chris" was long gone. 2) Mr. Thorson was the most intriguing person I had ever met, and 3) I was incomprehensively in love with him.
  I remember the day I told him. Naturally he didn't confess the same feelings for me. I didn't expect he would. I still had doubts in my mind that anything would come out of this "relationship" we were starting. Not to mention the loom of my husband's shadow hanging over everything.  I guess that helped remind that things with me and Mr. Thorson couldn't work. Shouldn't work. At least not until the day he told me he loved me in return. That was the day I knew I was leaving my husband.
  It was alot easier than I thought it would be actually. (Should I feel some degree of remorse by saying that?) K and I were fighting as usual and I just blurted it out. "I don't love you! I'm in love with someone else!" I closed my eyes waiting for him to scream, but he didn't. He actually seemed to relax a bit as if all his suspicions had finally been confirmed. (I unfortunately know now how he must have felt that fateful day.) But he asked me in a hushed voice if I would at least stay until after Christmas so he could have one last Christmas as a family. I told him I would but in different rooms. Needless to say Christmas of 2006 was one of the longest holidays of my life.
  December 26th, 2006 was the day I took my kids and went to live at my mom's house. It was hard being crammed in with so many people into such a tiny house, but I reminded myself that it was only until I got on my feet and got my own place. Besides, I had learned that very soon I'd be with my beloved. I only had to make it through to February.
  I must have seemed like a complete retard the day of his flight in.  A thousand thoughts plagued my mind, "What will he really think of me when he sees me face to face? Would he regret coming here? Why is time going by so fucking slow?"
   K's friend actually offered to take me to the airport to get him. How thoughtful of him. He usually has other motives. My guess for this one was that he was doing some spy-work for K. No matter. My sister decided to come along and before we knew it, we were in Omaha at the airport. We still had about half an hour before his flight was scheduled to land so we decided to get something to eat from the airport's small cafeteria to pass time. I took small bites from my bean and cheese burrito here and there gazing at the flight screen between each one but was altogether uninterested in eating. The butterflies in my tummy were getting the better of me so I tossed the rest of my uneaten food in the garbage and decided to go to the terminal to wait for him. We should have had 10 minutes left before his flight was scheduled to land.
  At first I didn't see him. I was looking down at the floor as I walked, plagued by my horrified thoughts. I was about 10 feet away from him when my sister said " There he is." "Where? Oh..."
   And there he was. Looking more and more like an angel than I ever thought possible. I think I may have glided to him because I don't remember my feet ever touching the ground. "Hi baby!" he said to me with a wide smile across his face as he wrapped his arms around me. But it was that first kiss that I remember most. The warmth of his breath...the sweetness of his lips...my very own kryptonite.
  Apparently his plane had arrived earlier than we expected. (Stupid airport flight screens!) and he already had his luggage and was waiting for me. I apologized profusely especially when I tried to imagine what thoughts must have been running through his head as he waited for me. But I didn't want to waste precious time apologizing. I wanted to kiss him again and again. And so I did again and again. And each time I was sure I was going to melt.
  After a few stops in Omaha (including one of the malls to get Mr. Thorson something to eat) we were on our way back to my parents' house so I could introduce him to my family. But I knew we wouldn't be staying there that night. We were going to stay in a hotel to have some alone time. But first I challenged him to a game of Guitar Hero. I wanted him to dazzle me with his skills since he played the guitar in real life. I wasn't disappointed. I wanted to kiss him every time I looked at him and in between songs, he took time out to kiss me. Things started heating up as I felt his hand exactly where I wanted it between my legs. It felt like heaven that first time I came by his hand. No, I don't think that quite explains it. My body kept turning itself inside and out. On my parents' bed nonetheless! I should have been ashamed, but I'm proud to say I'm not. And before long, we were on our way to our hotel.
  I knew "going all the way" was out of the question, but there were other things I could do to make him feel as good as he made me feel. We had a few perturbances with the old lady at the front desk, but we simply laughed about them all the way to our room. I remember the way he threw me playfully on the bed. The hunger for me in his eyes as he undid the clasps fastening the corset he had bought me for Christmas. "Look at you," was all he said as he freed my body and I could breathe easier. I tried to remember his vow of celibacy, but how on earth was I going to be able to resist when I kept attacking him a million times in my mind? Luckily I was able to restrain myself not only that night, but every night after that until April 7th, 2007. 2 days before his birthday. We were watching a movie called Black Sunday. Not quite the type of movie to inspire romantic interludes, but we didn't care.  We were on our way to my room for another rendezvouz. How I loved him. (It seems like only yesterday.) I remember my tears as he asked me if he could go into my body further. And every time we made love after that still felt like the first time. He gave himself to me completely and wholeheartedly. And every time we made love, the phantom tears were still there even if they couldn't be seen. I loved him so so much. With every cell that makes up my being.
  My heart nearly burst when he told me he would have to leave in August. He had to go take care of his grandmother who had just had surgery. I must admit that I shocked even myself at my selfishness as I begged him not to go and feared we'd never see each other again. He begged me to trust him and so I did. For once, I let myself become the prey. Besides, I reminded myself that we had been apart before this, so I had to let him go.
  For nearly 2 years, I traveled to the state he was living in and back to see the love of my life. And each time it became harder and harder to say goodbye. I didn't want to have to. I wanted him to be near me forever so I could bathe in my love for him. They say that when you love something so much, you want to surround yourself with it. I must say that "they" were right.
  On what would be my second to last trip there, something magical happened. It turned out that Mr. Thorson wanted me to be a part of his world as much as I wanted him to be a part of mine. And so, in front of hundreds of people at a stunt show, he asked me to be his wife. I couldn't believe it! To say I was elated is such an understatement. I was going to get to spend the rest of my life with the man of my dreams!
  But not all stories have a happy ending. So the Prince rescued the Princess, but what if he decided he didn't want that Princess anymore? This is what happens...
  It was my last trip there. (I call it my "last trip" because we had made plans that he would come live with me in Nebraska by my daughter's birthday at the end of July of this year.)  We were going to spend these next 2 weeks making wedding plans together. I was so excited.  At least until I was consumed by the lapping flames of jealousy when I overheard him talking on the phone to another girl. One who was prettier than me and definitely deserved someone like Mr. Thorson more than I did. My mind raced through my past memories and finally this girl and "M" became one in the same.  "Not him," I thought over and over,"Please not him. Not him."  I think he must have thought that I didn't want him to have any friends. Not any female ones anyway. And I regrettably admit that I did make it seem that way. But I knew the temptation of other girls and how they'd stop at nothing to overthrow the leader.
  (This is the part where I am completely opened up again to this pain as it rips through me as I recall this. It is incomprehensively hard to relive this and the tears are flowing freely now. If you could see the ink-splotched dots on this paper in front of me, you could verify.)
  Mr.Thorson spent that night comforting me and promising me that she was only his friend. That was enough to calm me down and I was lulled to sleep by the sound of his erratic breathing.
  I remember my day out with his mom. The day before I was scheduled to go back home and wait for him to come to me. We were going to look for things to decorate the reception hall with and we found ourselves at a bridal shop. We were there mainly to look for bridesmaid dresses, but I became giddy and childlike with excitement. I decided to try on a few dresses while I was there. What could it hurt? Especially when I hadn't found my perfect "Gothic" wedding gown yet. I tried on four dresses. Each one of them fitting so perfectly. But my favorite was a strapless gown that flowed out at the hips and had brilliant black beadwork decorating the front. It was remarkable. I knew this was the dress. Just like I knew he was the one for me, I knew this dress was the one I was going to meet my beloved in at the end of the aisle. His mom must have took about a dozen pictures. I couldn't wait to show them to him when he came home from work. I must admit his reaction wasn't quite what I expected and I tried to hide the disappointment on my face.
  Later that night we were sitting side by side eating pasta with some vodka inspired sauce that we had purchased on an earlier shopping trip. (Did I mention his love for vodka?) Apparently while sitting there, he got a text on his phone. I tried not to peer over and invade his privacy, Probably more for my sake than his. I didn't want to see her name. But it was there. Those three little letters that made up her name was there. I don't know if he knew I had seen it at first. I quietly set my plate of unfinished pasta down. (As a bulimic, I don't have much need or use for food.) I headed quietly to his room, shut the door behind me and erupted into jealous tears.  I don't know how long it was before he came in behind me. I was re-packing my suitcase for tomorrow's flight to take me home and crying all the while muttering that I should have never come here. He tried to put his arms around me, but I shrugged him off and screamed at him not to touch me. I remember that painstaking look on his face when I did that. He tried so hard to calm me, but I was stuck in my nightmare of "Chris" and "M" that I was inconsolable, irrational, and hostile. I was so mean to him. He tried so hard, but I kept biting him like a shark. I just kept biting and biting and he kept trying to hold on even though he was bleeding to death!!! 
  I got in his bed, rolled over so my back was to him and drifted in and out of sleep. I don't know how long he sat there silently watching me. I don't know if he knows it, but I felt him lean over me and kiss my head before he left the room. I think he thought I was asleep. "No, my love. I'm not sleeping, and I'm so sorry. Tomorrow everything will be better," was my last comforting thought as I fell back asleep.
 I awoke sometime in the night only to find that he was not laying in bed next to me. I figured he had fallen asleep watching tv or something and I feared he would be cold without a blanket. I grabbed one for him and also me and my pillow and headed out to the living room. It was dark, quiet, and no tv was on. His body was laying in the fetal position in the middle of the living room floor. I layed down next to him and he turned almost naturally and put his arm around me. "Let's go to bed," he whispered. I obediently obeyed helping him carry the blankets and pillows back to his room. We lay in each others' arms and I felt myself crying to him again begging him not to ever make me sleep alone like that again. He said he wouldn't. Then I asked him something that I wish I never would have asked as we lay there. "Mr.Thorson...are we...over?" I dreaded asking him this as soon as I realized it had left my lips. I dreaded his response. I prayed to something I don't even believe in that he'd say "no."
"I don't know," was all he said. That's all he needed to say. I came unglued. Immediately hysterical. I didn't think he'd really say it. I couldn't breathe. He layed me down trying to calm me before I passed out, but as I dissected his three words, I lost my breath and it happened all over again. "Not him," I begged Fate,"Please not him too."
  The worst pain of all was when he told me he didn't love me anymore. Not like he used to anyway. I threw up. And Mr.Thorson, being the gentleman that he is, actually held my hair back for me! Can you believe the nerve of him?! I told him I hated him as I got out of his car at the airport dragging my suitcase clumsily behind me. I wanted him to remember those words forever for what he did to me. 
  So here we've come full cirlce. It started with a heartache and ended with one of the most devastating heartbreaks I have ever felt. But no matter what, I can't let go of him or of the hope that we are meant to be together. I already know his answer to that one. He's told me time and time again. "There's no reason to hope."  But still I do such as strange cruel fate would have it. I am undeniably still so in love with him. He isn't in love with me. I have to remind myself of that every day. Unrequited love I think they call it. So here we stand at an impasse. A crossroad if you will. Each one having their mind set in one absolute manner. Neither one budging.

  I've never been good at finding things only good at losing them. But I found you. You led me to the greatest euphoria of my life...love. And I've lost both. I've always been good at losing things. 
 But even still, unlike with everyone else that has hurt me, I don't want to kick you out of my pack. I don't want to turn my back on you forever. That pain, the pain of never getting to hear your voice again or hear you breathe...that would be the worst pain of all. Even more unbearable than just tossing you out of my life completely.
  Please believe I never wanted our great love story to come to an end. Especially not like this. I know I was a shitty girlfriend to you, but I didn't exactly know how to be a good one because I've never had much experience in that department. Please forgive me for biting you so much. As a shark it is my nature to see if you are harmful to me. But maybe even sharks can be forgiven too?