Domo Arigato, Miss Roboto: Matchstick Man

Suggested Listening:Every Breath (The Police), Obsession (Animotion), Pictures of Matchstick Man (Camper Von Beethoven) , I Want Candy (Bow-wow-wow)

Chapter 4: Of Matchstick Man and You

"...and so sirs, by harnessing the destructive force of LOVE, we'll soon be wrecking sugary sweet pastel-colored death the humans!" Skoodge finished, saluting smartly and conking himself in the forehead with the heart-capped wand he was holding.

"That...eh, that sounds great! Good work, soldier." Red mumbled absently, knowing that he would forever be haunted by the image of Skoodge's fatness decked out in one seriously girly sailor uniform. The only thing that was worse than seeing peaches-n-cream colored spandex packed full of lard was the disturbingly ecstatic reaction his co-ruler had for the washed-up Invader's plan.

"Do it again! Do it again!" cheered Purple manically. "Especially the sparkly part! I love the sparkly part!"

Saluting smartly and smacking himself in the head, Skoodge reverted to his regular uniform. "I'd be happy to, sirs."

Red groaned in despair as Purple squeaked with delight. There were some half-suppressed snickers from the communications techs surrounding them.

Readying his wand again, Skoodge began the complicated gymnastic/pyrotechnic display leading to his ultimate glitter spattered Magic-Girl transformation into Sailor Scout Skoodge! But, just as he reached a very tricky part involving leaping into the air amid showers of rose-petals and some serious baton twirling, the elevator hissed open and Zim stormed into the lab.

"Skoodge! What the hell are you doing!"

Concentration broken, the poor tubby one went plummeting to the floor in a rain of burning flowers and ash.

Growling, Zim loomed like the specter of DOOM over Skoodge. "Why are you slacking off? We have a planet to conquer! There's no time for pussying around with sparkles!"

"But...but sir..." Futilely, Skoodge pointed to the monitor, but Zim was too far-gone in his angst rage to care.

"DO NOT QUESTION ZIM! I am your SUPERIOR! Now take your flabby ass out of here and get back to WORK!"

Browbeaten and understandably frightened by the shift into Mega-Butch boss, Skoodge bolted off to find something to work on.

"Wow, Zim..." Blinked Red in amazement at the defect. "With that kind of attitude, you could've made Junior Assistant Fry-lord-- That is, if you hadn't been a MORON and quit being banished!"

"Yah! You moron!" Purple barked between mouthfuls of nachos.

As his rulers laughed their laughter of derision, Zim turned his wrath upon them.

"Are you laughing at me?" He hissed, going Paccino-style postal and stalked toward the monitor. "Are you laughing at me? I don't see anyone else around here, so you must be laughing at me. " There was a gleam of homicidal rage in his eyes as he leaned in closer. "Am I funny? Do you find my actions amusing? Do I look like some happy smiley little smorkle-flange dancing for your amusement?"

Red looked thoughtfully at Zim. "Well, let me think... Yes. Yes you do."

This prompted another round of derisive laughter to prelude a burst of ultra-suppressed outrage that had been on a long, slow simmer ever since Zim was smeeted...

"I'VE FUCKING HAD WITH YOU'RE CONDESCENDING BULL-SHIT! FOR OVER EIGHT DAMN YEARS I HAVE BEEN PUTTING UP WITH THESE DIGUSTING HUMAN MUTHERFUCKERS FOR THE GLORY OF THE FUCKING EMPIRE! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT! NOW WHEN ARE YOU FAIRY BOIS GOING TO STOP FUCKING WITH ME AND GIVE ME ENOUGH AMMO TO BLAST THIS FLITHY SHIT CANKER PLANET ON THE ASSHOLE OF THE COSMOS TO HELL SO I CAN GET ON WITH MY LIFE!"

Deathly silence rang like the bells of DOOM over the main bridge of the Massive. The Tallests gawked dumbly at the frothing mad Irken glaring at them.

Red was the first to speak, driven by the sudden jolt of alpha-maleness.

"Reality check, Zim: we sent you to Earth because you are A COMPLETE AND TOTAL FUCK-UP! The only success you've ever had in life is in the sheer amount of destructive stupidity you posses! Every time you've been allowed to do anything more dangerous than removing the greasy shit-gob from the employee's toilet in the back, you've succeeded in annihilating everything but the objective target!"

Popping out from nowhere, an Adviser hurried whispered in Red's ear.

"I stand corrected. You even fucked-up unclogging a toilet." The Adviser whispered some more. "In fact, it seems that you're the reason Foodcourtia suffered a planet-wide deluge of 3,000-years worth of rotting sewage."

Still glaring death, Zim sneered. "So fucking what? It's not like anyone really noticed the difference in the smell...or the taste for that matter..."

"Okay, I'll give you that. But what about the GIGANTIC ELDRITCH SHIT-DEMON that nearly destroyed the largest fast-food production center in the Empire!"

Zim grinned nastily. "Oh! I didn't realize Sizz-lor took a lunch break that day."

Horrified by this display of contempt, Red snarled back. "How dare you mock you're former Fry-lord! That's TREASON, Zim!"

"Treason? You want treason? I'll give you TREASON!" Without hesitation, Zim made the gesture of Ultimate Disrespect at the Tallests.

There were screams of utter terror across the bridge as the techs and lesser Irkens reeled in shock at this absolute deed of defiance against their demi-godlike rulers. Some fainted dead away and were trampled beneath the fleeing feet of others.

The Ultimate Disrespect stunned Red for a moment, then those nasty alpha-male hormones kicked in again.

"YOU'RE GOING DOWN, FUCKER!"

Guards swarmed over him as they and Purple tried to hold Red back from shredding the bridge apart to get at Zim.

"Who's laughing now, bitch? Who's laughing now!" Laughing the cackle of a crazed psycho, Zim terminated the transmission. Turning around, he noticed G.I.R. standing there with an utterly disturbed expression upon its robot face.

"Heh-heh..." Coughing nervously, Zim straightened up and tried to look as paternal as possible. "I'm sorry you had to see that, G.I.R. I didn't want you to see the bad side of me. But those bastards had it coming. You do understand, G.I.R.?"

The robot kept staring at him in that shell-shocked way.

"You... you do understand?"

G.I.R. looked up at its master's pensive face. Slowly, it took a deep breath and said: "MAKE THOSE TENTACLE THINGIES IN YOUR MOUTH WIGGLE AGAIN!"

Sensing the outbreak of another G.I.R. induced migraine, Zim sighed heavily and plopped into a chair. For something so 'advanced', his robot slave seemed to act more and more like it was just really stupid. Or crazy. He could never decide which.

Losing interest in its master gloominess, G.I.R. slipped into his doggie suit and then beamed at the wall. "I'm gonna get some Ice-Cream!"

Out of the blue, an idea struck Zim with a force mighty enough to propel him halfway across the room in a burst of inspiration. Still reeling from the inspiration, he ran over to his robot and scooped it up in his arms. "G.I.R., you're a GENIUS!"

"I am?"

"Yes!" Dropping the robot, Zim rushed to the disguise storage chamber and began digging around fanatically. Between his slightly crazed muttering and more than a few words to make a Planet-Jacker blush, the mighty Irken menace assembled the necessary pieces for the latest of his BRILLIANT disguises. With a victory whoop, he reemerged done up like an angst-ridden '80s singer.

"MORRISSEY!"

"No, G.I.R.. It is me." He checked himself out in a handy mirror. "Am I not the most AMAZING Invader ever?"

G.I.R. pondered this a moment. "Nooo..."

Shooting the robot a foul look, he quick marched over to the workbench and grabbed up a small handheld device vaguely resembling a GameSlave2. Zim clicked it on, grinning madly as he watched a little blip go wandering across a map of the city. "Perfect."

G.I.R. started hopping from foot to foot. "Are we gonna go for the Ice-Cream now, Master? I needs the Ice Cream in all its icy creamy goodness! I needs it so badly! If I don't get some soon, I explode again!"

"Very well, G.I.R.. We shall go get your 'ice-cream'."

Cheering happily, G.I.R. bounded into the elevator with Zim, oblivious to the soft evil cackling coming from its master.

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The City Park, Late afternoon...

Dib sighed contentedly as he snuggled closer to Mary-Anne while they watched the clouds meander in breezy fluffiness across the perfectly blue sky. The grass beneath them was perfectly green, the sunshine washing over them was perfectly warm, and the sound of children playing in the distance was perfectly merry. Everything was absolutely, positively, beyond any doubt perfect.

In fact, it was too perfect. The day was so perfect that Dib felt like getting up, telling Mary-Anne good-bye, going right out of the park, walking straight into Zim's house and ripping the alien's organs out with his bare hands. Because that was what he did. His duty was to restore the balance in the universe. And that's what he really wanted from himself now. To help keep the balance by killing the Invader.

Stifling his paranoid thoughts, Dib closed his eyes and tried to forget about Zim. He thought about being at Mary-Anne's apartment that morning after a night of mind-blowingly orgasmic sex, all sweaty and naked and smug, wishing it was Zim curled up next to him and eager for… Frantically, Dib tried to think of something else, like fluffy kittens and chubby angel babies, but his deranged thoughts always circled back to Zim. Zim, thrown up against the wall, bloody and torn…Dib's hands clenched tight around his throat while he bite down hard into the green flesh…

`No!' Dib groaned inwardly. `Must stop thinking these thoughts! Don't think about Zim! Don't think about Zim! Don't…” Then he heard a voice, a voice he didn't need to hear anymore...

"G.I.R.! Get out of that cart right now! You're attracting too much attention to us!"

Dib jolted upright just in time to see Zim diving into the Ice-Cream man's cart to retrieve his junk-food addicted machine while an old pigeon lady on the bench looked on.

"Hey, Mary-Anne," he stammered, trying hard to keep control. "You wanna go see Generic Teen Romantic Comedy?"

"Sounds great, Dibby!" she chirped. And so the pair made their way to the Ultra-Mega-Super Cinemaplex.

Ticket stub and soda in hand, Dib settled down next to his girl secure in the knowledge that at least in the dark of the matinee he'd be safe from his deviancy. And for the duration of that sugary melodramatic travesty to real cinema, it appeared that he was right. Of course, Dib spent the film paying more attention to Mary-Anne's breast than slop on-screen.

Walking out into the lobby, Dib faked like he enjoyed to film and the make-out session with an arm around Mary-Anne's waist. Listening to her coo and giggle made him feel like barfing, but maybe it was just some rancid popcorn. But that didn't matter so long as it was normal.

But while he was wondering whether or not to sneak into Galaxia XXVIII: The Movie, the last matinee showing of Death-Death, Kill-Boy! let out. Among the teeming crowd of testosterone-pumped jocks and creepy postal workers leered the green face of Zim.

Dib saw it for just a second before the face disappeared. Panicked, he glanced the other way and saw G.I.R. in its day-glo green doggy suit staring at posters for upcoming features. When the robot turned to shriek "Hi!", Dib tightened his grip on Mary-Anne and dashed out of the Cinemaplex. He only stopped running when he had put three full city-blocks between them and Zim.

"What's the matter with you?" Mary-Anne asked, looking worried.

"Nothing! Nothing's wrong."

"Are you sure? You're acting like somebody's following us..."

"Look I'm fine!" Dib snapped, looking nervously over his shoulder. "I'm...I'm just feeling a bit sick, that's all."

She looked down at her shoes with a dejected little frown. "If you say so..."

"I'm sorry for snarling at you." he sighed, guilty taking over for terror. "Tell you what: Why don't I walk you back to the apartment then go back to the house for some rest? I'll call you the second I feel better and we can -I dunno- go someplace for dinner."

"You promise?"

Dib smiled. "Promise."

"Alright then!" Mary-Anne kissed his cheek. "But remember: You promised!"

"Don't worry. I won't forget."

That settled, they strolled hand in hand down the sidewalk, never seeing the dark figures watching them from the shadows of a nearby alley.

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