Albert's Morning After: Chapter 1

Albert Fox's Morning After

Dirk's cup of tea -a lovely Dimbula Ceylon- halted on the way to his lips when Albert removed his sunglasses. “Two black eyes?” He smirked.

“Shut up.” Albert fumbled open a bottle of Tylenol and washed a handful down with a large gulp of his Carrot Tomato Antioxidant Supreme (with Soy Booster).

“Albert, old chap”, Dirk remarked, “You never struck me as the type to grope a sleeping woman.”

Albert glared. “Firstly, Dirk, I'd had six beers, okay?”

“I thought it was three.”

“Whatever.”

Dirk leered. “So, the alcohol unleashed your inner beast, eh?”

“Secondly, she obviously wasn't sleeping, or she couldn't have punched me, and thirdly, I didn't grope her, I accidentally grabbed her because she was shoving me out of the bed. My bed!”

Dirk poured himself another cup of tea. “I don't know what you were doing in bed with her in the first place.”

“For heavens' sake Dirk, I came home after a horrible day of work and three beers -

“I thought it was six.”

“-whatever, to find that because you had sold your bed - and don't think you're going to avoid explaining that later - and then let someone stay over, the only possible sleeping arrangements open to me were a loveseat the size of a lawn chair or a very large bed containing quite a small person. After six beers -“

“I thought it was three. Pass the sugar, please.”

“WHATEVER! In my inebriated state, it seemed like the best decision at the time.” He slid the sugar bowl across the table.

“Except that today you have a hangover and two black eyes because you groped the strange woman in your bed while she was asleep. Milk, please.”

“I DID NOT GROPE THE STRANGE WOMAN IN MY BED WHILE SHE WAS ASLEEP!”

“Keep it down, people are looking. The milk?”

Albert glanced around and saw that quite a few people in the cafe were indeed staring curiously at him, slightly scandalized by his outburst. He dropped his head onto the table with a heavy thump. “Why does this sort of thing always happen when I spend time with you?” Groping about blindly, he found the pitcher of milk and handed it to his friend.

“Thank you.” Dirk gently stirred milk into his tea. “Well then, it seems the only thing to do is to apologize to her. Are you going to finish that muffin?”

“Take it. I already did apologize. Profusely. Repeatedly. In more than one language, if I recall correctly. You know I tend to speak German when I'm drunk.” He drained his glass and looked around for the waitress.

“You were still drunk when you woke up?” Dirk raised an eyebrow. “Must have been six beers, then.”

“….whatever. The point is, I apologized and I called you and I came here, and now I'm stuck here with you drinking veggie drinks and eating muffins because I'm afraid to go back to our apartment because last time I was there I grabbed a naked woman's breast and she punched me and gave me two black eyes and I don't even know her name!” Out of breath at the end of his tirade, Albert looked away Dirk into the shocked eyes of the waitress, who was trying to look like she hadn't heard every word he had just said, but failing miserably.

“Oh God,” Albert lowered his head into his hands. “I'll never be able to show my face here again.”

“Just ignore him, my dear,” Dirk said over his head. “We need another pot of tea please, and another cup. Oh, and another of those lovely little lemon muffins. Thanks, love.”

Just then an electronic melody floated across from Dirk's side of the table. Was that….?

“Bonjour? Well, hello darling! Two, actually. Really? Really? How delightful. Uh- huh. Let me get a pen. Okay…right...4...8...7...3. Got it. Yes, I will. Ciao.”

Albert lifted his head. “Dirk?”

“Hm?”

“Does your cell phone play `I'm a little teapot'?”

“Of course.”

“Oh. Of course.” He sighed heavily. “I don't know why the things you do even surprise me anymore.”

“Neither do I. Oh, here's the sweet lady with our refreshments. Thank you, darling. Anyway, you'll never guess who that was on the phone.” He looked at Albert expectantly, daring him to try.

“Um the person you sold your bed to, saying he wants the loveseat as well?” Knowing Dirk, it was as good a guess as any.

“No, tried that. He wasn't interested. That, dear boy, was Katrina on the phone.”

Albert stared blankly.

“Hm. Let me rephrase. That was the naked woman from your bed. She wanted to know if she had given you a shiner, and I told her two of them. Then she said, and I quote `Your friend is really cute. I like the way he blushes and stammers. I'd like to see him again.' She wants me to give you her number…. I say, are you alright?”

Albert was doing an excellent imitation of a beached salmon.

“I…will never…understand…women.” Thud. His head hit the table once again.

“Women aren't meant to be understood, only enjoyed.” There was a moment of silence, then the sound of liquid being poured. “Here, old chap, you'll feel better after a cup of tea.” Dirk sipped at his cup daintily. “….and perhaps some more Tylenol.”

End