Maintaining: Awakenings

Chapter 25 - Awakenings

++He couldn't move. Gurudo had caught him and was using his mental powers to keep him from fighting back or getting away. His tail was moved out of the way and his latest attacker slammed into him.

"Damn it!" Vegeta cursed, rolling out of bed to stare out the window, tail twitching angrily.

"Vegeta?" came a groggy voice.

Vegeta tried to ignore the quiet confusion in Kakarott's voice as he quickly dressed. By the time he was finished the younger Saiyan was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching him with some concern.

"Vegeta? What's wrong? Was it that dream...?"

"It was just a dream Kakarott. It never happened," he growled, shoving his feet into sneakers.

"Then what...?" Kakarott asked him, confused.

Vegeta sighed. He wasn't angry with him, but he needed to get away. He moved closer, pushing a drooping bang out of his face. "Go back to sleep, Kakarott," he said softly. " I just need to be alone for awhile."

Kakarott just stared at him a moment before saying, "Okay, Vegeta."

~~~~~

As he flew he began cursing, starting in every Earth language he knew, then as many as he had learned while with lizard, ending in Saiyan - finishing up with the crudest words that Radditz had taught him.

He was furious at himself. It was bad enough reliving things that had actually happened, but now he was inventing impossible things.

~~Maybe you wanted them to happen.~~

--You - SHUT UP!-

He smirked. He'd really lost it. He was arguing with himself.

But Gurudo? By the GodS! The frog thing was a fucking eunuch! Some kind of ritual mutilation - the other Ginyu's ragged him about it constantly. Except for his mental abilities, he was the weakest member of the Ginyu freak squad. Hell - he was even afraid of Vegeta and wouldn't come anywhere near him if the rest of that group of idiots weren't close.

He was tired of this - he had gone years without this nightly torment. And now - why was he having these stupid dreams?

He'd resigned himself to Kakarott knowing about his past - he'd survived Radditz knowing, so he imagined he could survive his brother as well. The latest problem was Kakarott seemed to know every time he had a nightmare - and there was no way he could tell which ones were real. And he was having more and more of them lately - he seemed to be going through a roster of the lizard's crew - he swore one night they were alphabetical.

~~You fantasized about fucking anyone loyal to Lord Frieza.~~

--What a bunch of crap. I didn't fantasize about any of the lizard's ass kissers.-

~~Then why do you keep dreaming about them?~~

--How in the hell should I know? I don't even remember most of them. And half of the ones I do remember, I killed.-

He was tired of these stupid dreams. Kakarott was being kind and patient and these nightmares had to make him think he was weaker than he really was. He still didn't understand why this was so much harder to deal with since he died the second time. Nothing that happened to him during those months in hell was any different than what had happened for years when he was growing up.

He growled at himself and landed on a hillside where he could watch the sunrise.

He had survived for years under torture and abuse, even gotten stronger as a result - why was it so hard to deal with now? What had changed? Why was he letting himself be so affected by the lizard's latest atta- no - it wasn't just an attack - he had been...

~~Little monkey whore, they weren't attacks. You wanted them.~~

--I did NOT want them! I was too young to even understand what was happening! The fucking lizard RAPED me!-

He shuddered and whispered that word again. "Raped." He had never admitted it - never said it, even to himself. Kakarott was able to use the word - tried to get him to talk about it. If he didn't say it, he could deny it - had been denying it, trying to hide it. "Raped." He'd listened to the blonde woman talking to Trunks - she said something about hiding and suppressing it giving them power over you. Is that what he had done? Given the lizard power over him? But what could he have done? There was no one to tell, no one to stop it, no one to keep him from being raped again and again.

He felt himself spiraling down again, his hard-won ki fading. No! Damn it! If he didn't get control Kakarott would show up - he felt the other's worry - and he wasn't ready to face him yet. He willed Kakarott to stay away and growled at himself, tail thrashing, as he fought for control.

He was a prince and a warrior, damn it! It didn't matter that he had no kingdom. He had survived this long on pride and anger - and even hate - knowing he could endure anything that was done to him. He was raised to do battle, but now he was losing - and it was time to fight himself. He hadn't let the lizard freak break him when he was alive - there was no fucking way he would let him win now that he was dead. The bastard had made him doubt himself.

~~Frieza didn't do that, you did.~~

--It doesn't matter who did it. I refuse to continue like I have been.-

And for the first time he didn't even have to fight this battle by himself. He may have been alone in the past - Radditz was his companion, but wasn't in a position to help him - but that wasn't true anymore. Kakarott - even the Namek - apparently considered him a friend - and they could help. Hell, Kakarott was practically begging him to let him do something - anything.

He hated to imagine what Kakarott thought of him now. If he continued the way he had been, the young Saiyan would eventually get tired and frustrated and leave him. He didn't want to lose Kakarott - he needed him.

~~Yes, you need him so you will have someone else to use.~~

--I don't use Kakarott.-

~~Don't you? That's all you've ever done monkey. First Radditz, then Bulma, now...~~

--That's not true!-

~~Then what have you given them?~~

--I...--

~~The untouchable prince - too good to lower himself. You even used Lord Frieza to get stronger.~~

"It's not true," he whispered.

~~Yes it is monkey. You were offered everything - power, wealth, control... But you were too good to join him.~~

--He wanted me to be his slave.-

~~But it was good enough to take the strength he offered you.~~

--I earned it.-

~~You used him. Just like you use everyone.~~

--I didn't.-

~~You suck everyone around you dry. You take and take, but never give anything.~~

--Oh GodS...-- Could it be true...?

~~And it is too late to do anything about it. You killed Radditz...~~

--I did not!-

~~Then how did Frieza know about him? Did you say his name while you were having sex with Frieza?~~

He grit his teeth and growled, fur on his tail bristling. "I did NOT have sex with that damned lizard! He fucking raped me! What the hell does it take to get this to stop? And I NEVER told anyone on the ship about Radditz!"

~~Including Radditz.~~

He pulled in a shuddering breath - the voice had never been this close, this insistent. It was as if Frieza was punishing him again. He could almost feel the tail around his neck, the icy breath in his ear, the threat of pain...

--He knew how I felt.-

~~Are you sure? And what about the woman?~~

--What about her?-

~~You used her too - food, shelter...an heir...~~

--She left me...--

He felt himself become Frieza's favorite toy again - he was an errant child who had done wrong and needed to be disciplined.

~~For someone who wouldn't keep taking and taking.~~

He tried to tap into the anger he felt before, but it was gone. The voice had never been so angry, so insistent - so right.

~~You are going to do the same thing again. You claim to have some regard for Goku. Wouldn't it be better for you to leave him now? Before you cause him any more pain? You can make up a reason - save face...otherwise you will have to look into his eyes when he realizes just how much you have taken advantage of him and used him.~~

--He...he said he loves me...--

~~Which will make it even worse for him when he finally realizes you were lying. You told him you hated Frieza, but it isn't true, is it? You have learned so much from him - since you were a child you have belonged to the Ice-jin.~~

"NO!" he screamed as he finally lost his patience with the voice behind his nightmares. He leapt to his feet, fists clenched, tail whipping. "I DO NOT BELONG TO HIM! I am Vegeta, Saiyan prince, and I am no one's slave!"

He felt the fury rising in him...how could he let his doubts be so - evil? He wasn't like that - not anymore - not since the lizard had died. He'd made mistakes, but he didn't want to be a monument to Frieza by being what he had tried to make him. The monster he kept buried wanted out, and if he believed these lies it was going to break free. He was not going to listen to this horrible, whispering laughing voice. It took everything and twisted it, making him think that he didn't deserve what he had struggled to attain. It tried to keep him away from Kakarott.

Kakarott... They were bound together in some strange way - and he hadn't resisted it - hadn't fought it at all. He knew how to shield himself - something he had struggled to learn during Frieza's doctors' drug-filled mind-control sessions. He had been able to resist most of their twisted experiments - he knew he could have blocked Kakarott if he had wanted to.

But he hadn't. He had never really considered what he was doing or why. He hadn't even allowed Radditz to get that close - and he had trusted him. But...was the voice right? Was he just using Kakarott? The past few months Kakarott had been so careful not to upset him, trying to avoid difficult subjects, eating and sleeping only when he wanted to. As he thought about it now, he'd hardly seen him really smile for a month.

Kakarott had changed - for him. And what had he given him? His body? Hell - that cost him nothing. It had been abused so often it didn't even feel like it belonged to him. Kakarott was considerate and careful during sex - he actually enjoyed it - which he hadn't since Radditz. The woman was fine, but for him it was more release than passion.

But Kakarott wanted more - he knew that. He had seen how hurt he was when the voice had said they were fucking. He still didn't understand why the voice was silent when he was near, but he was grateful, staying close to him.

~~Using him again.~~

He did. He used him for peace, for comfort, for strength - for sympathy. He may not have understood why then, but he had let Kakarott in so he would want to take care of him. He knew from the memories from their fusion that the young Saiyan wanted to rescue everyone - and he unconsciously took advantage of that. But who took care of Kakarott? He had never tried to access his side of the bond. Kakarott was used to being surrounded by friends. But by letting him do all the work - make all the effort - was he leaving Kakarott alone?

But - was the voice right? Should he break off now before he risked hurting Kakarott any more? That little fear bubbled to the surface that he would become the monster he dreaded and actually hurt the other Saiyan. But that wasn't possible - Kakarott was stronger than him - there was only once in his life he could have defeated him and that possibility was long gone. He knew Kakarott would laugh if he voiced his concern - not at the thought of being injured, but at the idea of Vegeta wanting to hurt him anymore.

Could he change? Did he want to? It would be hard - patterns learned over a lifetime were difficult to change. It could take years...it was easy to keep falling back into old habits... But - even the effort would make Kakarott happy. And he suddenly realized - he wanted Kakarott to be happy. He wanted to see him smiling again.

~~~~

Goku plodded to the kitchen, rubbing his scar and yawning, not really awake.

Nights were becoming rough - Vegeta's nightmares seemed to be getting worse. Goku wasn't sure anymore which ones were reliving memories and which were horrific twistings of Vegeta's fears.

Vegeta had been gone for more than a day, not returning home last night. He had been tempted to go to him more than once - but he felt the prince's desire to be alone and obeyed. Other than that, every time he tried to read his emotions he had been unsuccessful - apparently Vegeta knew how to block him. He could tell his prince was struggling with something and needed solitude.

His own sleep had been uneasy, dreams haunted by almost heard whispers and taunting laughter. He had bizarre dreams of being in a tug-of-war with Frieza with Vegeta in the middle, and he kept losing.

As he entered the room he was surprised to see Vegeta standing in front of the microwave. He wasn't wearing his normal spandex - instead he had chosen blue jeans and a black t-shirt. Goku grinned - the prince looked much more relaxed - his tail was even swaying lazily.

"Vegeta - I didn't know you were back. I would have gotten up. It's supposed to be my morning to make breakfast."

"It's alright, Kakarott," Vegeta said, transferring the meal to plates. "Your woman apparently thinks that we are not capable of feeding ourselves, so she made a capsule of food for us."

Goku chuckled as he sat down. "That's because she's eaten some of my morning cooking." His tail curled happily behind him. Vegeta's ki was much higher - apparently whatever had been bothering him had been blocking his ki.

"Hn. So have I," Vegeta smirked, joining him at the table. "As far as you are concerned, the woman may be right."

"Hey, it wasn't that bad," Goku protested.

Vegeta just raised an eyebrow at him.

"Well, okay, maybe the eggs were a little overcooked..." Goku reluctantly admitted.

"Kakarott, scrambled eggs are supposed to be scrambled, not a solid block that has to be cut apart with a knife. Toast is supposed to be basically dry with a thin layer of butter, not soggy with holes dug in it," Vegeta said with a grin.

"Hey, it was awfully early in the morning and there is a lot of stuff to do to make breakfast...."

Vegeta watched with amusement as Kakarott actually pouted. The great hero was pouting like a little child.

"It's okay Kakarott," he said with a laugh. "We'll just have to make sure that no one ever tries to conquer the planet before you've eaten breakfast - cooked by someone else."

Goku finally looked up from what he was eating to stare at Vegeta. This wasn't the same sad, angry prince who had crawled out of bed two nights ago. He beamed back when he realized that Vegeta was actually smiling at him.

"Vegeta?" he asked wonderingly.

Vegeta deliberately ignored the implied question, pleased to see the joy on Kakarott's face. He actually felt good - stronger - this morning, and intended to enjoy it. He picked up a stack of envelopes off the table and dropped them in front of Kakarott.

"We will have to forgo sparring today, Kakarott. It appears our meal has a price," he said. "I think your woman wants you to deliver these wedding invitations."

"Oh. Okay," Goku said, flipping through them. "Do you want to come with me?"

"No Kakarott, I will leave you to deal with the perverted old man and the rest of your friends. I am going to deliver this one myself," he said, holding up one addressed to Bulma and Yamcha.
TBC