Maintaining: Fear

Chapter 33 - Fear

He saw the ice vanish from Vegeta's eyes an instant before pain washed over his features and he passed out. Goku barely caught the unconscious prince before he hit the floor.

::Oh GodS Vegeta...what's wrong? How could you do this to yourself?:: Goku carried him to the bed, shaking so much he could hardly walk. Things had been going so well - Vegeta's ki was improving, he seemed happier. But the voice... the voice had just gotten worse. How could he make it stop? He stroked the high forehead, now creased in agony.

He was lost - he didn't know what to do anymore. There was no one to ask for help except for Piccolo and even now he could feel kis rising as the Namek trained with his sons. They had to concentrate on getting ready - he couldn't risk the entire planet for the sake of one person, no matter how much it hurt. He couldn't go to the Kais - and how could they help anyway? And Dende? He was sure Vegeta's problem was mental, not physical and Dende couldn't fix that. The dragonballs might help, but he couldn't leave Vegeta alone in order to retrieve them. He was helpless to do anything - to have his friends collect them - until the ship was dealt with.

He couldn't stop the tears that continued to fall. He was terrified. What had happened to his prince? That wasn't really him - it couldn't be. Those eyes were so dead and cold - his voice was threatening in a way he had never heard from Vegeta. What would Vegeta have done if he hadn't stopped touching that scar?

Had he somehow caused this by coming back? Vegeta had been fine while he was dead... No, he couldn't believe that. This was Frieza's fault - he had done something to Vegeta in hell. It had to be that. If only he could figure out what it was.

He cradled him to his chest, letting his energy restore the prince's flagging ki. His fingers traced a network of scars on his back, gliding over the one on Vegeta's shoulder that had triggered the angry reaction. It was normal now, just another old wound - one of many. What did it mean and did Vegeta even know he had it?

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Vegeta came to with a groan. What in the hell had happened? His tail was in agony, the pain burning a fire up his spine. There were arms around him and he panicked for a moment before he realized it was Kakarott holding him, purring, feeding him ki.

"Kakarott?" he asked, trying to shift in his arms.

"Don't move yet." The younger Saiyan gently held him, reaching for something on the table behind him. "Your tail is broken, but I have a senzu for you."

He chewed the bean, the action feeling familiar, watching Kakarott's profile the entire time. His companion had been crying - he could feel the sorrow and grief pouring off him. When he was able to, he moved to stare into sad, dark eyes.

"Kakarott, what's wrong? What happened? How did my tail get broken?" he asked, worried.

Goku let out a shaky, relieved breath. The instant he broke his own tail, the white ki vanished. And now Vegeta seemed normal - Goku could feel him again. His ki was low, but steadying with his help. He seemed to be coherent... ::Please GodS, let him be okay.::

"What do you remember?" he asked. He felt Vegeta's fear and panic at the question.

"Did I... did I hurt someone?" he asked, dreading the answer.

"Yes - yourself." Kakarott's voice cracked.

Kakarott's tail brushed the back of his hand and he gently captured it, sliding his fingers through the dark fur. He froze when he felt Kakarott tremble.

"What did I do?" he asked, voice barely above a whisper. He looked at Kakarott's face and watched him swallow before he answered.

"You...broke...your...tail."

He shuddered as he saw the image in Kakarott's mind and quickly released his tail. He didn't remember - he had blacked out. He thought it had ended - it had been months since the last episode. He had hoped it was over.

Goku held him closer. Vegeta was trying to hide it - he was blocking a lot of their bond - but he was terrified and it was leaking through.

"I came home and found you unconscious in the Gravity Room. Your leg was broken and your skull was cracked. There was a steel rod on the floor - it looked like you had been attacked. But I never felt you fighting anyone, and I don't know how they could have gotten in. The room was locked."

Vegeta shook his head in denial. "...I can't..."

"I brought you back here - you didn't seem to know what was going on..."

"I remember...you were sad...everything else...just pieces of a dream..." Vegeta murmured.

He paused. Should he tell Vegeta that he had heard the voice out loud? Should he wait to see what he remembered first?

"I gave you a senzu...cleaned the blood off...and then you-you..." He was haunted by that icy stare, freezing him in place, unable to move, forcing him to watch his prince hurt himself over and over.

"I broke my tail. Snapped it. But that isn't possible... the pain..." he insisted.

"You were so out of it. You didn't give any sign you were going to hurt yourself. I looked up and you stared at me while you..." Goku tried to get some control - his voice faltered - he could hardly speak. He picked up Vegeta's tail and smoothed the fur before continuing. "You passed out."

Vegeta let the heat from his companion seep into him, the heartbeat under his hand comforting his own frantic pulse. It felt like he was falling apart, splintered, and Kakarott's strength was all that kept him from shattering. He knew Kakarott felt his hopeless fear.

Vegeta slipped out of his arms to sit on the edge of the bed, back to him, frustrated. This was Kakarott... his Companion. He should be able to share this with him, and not carry the burden alone. But he couldn't - he didn't understand it himself. Kakarott was already upset - telling him what little he knew would only make it worse.

"Please Vegeta. Talk to me. It isn't hopeless. We'll find out what is wrong. We'll fix it - together." Kakarott's voice was earnest, pleading. Large hands slid over his back and stroked his tail.

"How?" he snapped, angry with himself. "How is this going to be fixed? This isn't something that can be solved by senzu. Damn it, Kakarott... there is something wrong with me - I don't know what it is. I black out. I hear voices. I hear that bastard Frieza and he has been dead for years. Someday I'm going to lose control and hurt someone I care about - like you. It isn't safe to be near me."

He hated that he had so little control over himself. How could he fight when he couldn't see his enemy? He had resisted Frieza for so long because there was something to focus his hatred and anger on. But now there was no one to fight against but himself - and he was losing.

Kakarott was behind him - he could feel his heat. His large hands were on his neck, his shoulders, warm and comforting. He hated facing this alone - he didn't want to do this by himself anymore.

"Tell me what you remember. Maybe we can figure out what caused it."

Vegeta sighed and shook his head. "I don't know what happened. The last thing I remember was training... checking out the new equipment. And the v-" He stopped. No. He couldn't tell Kakarott what the voice said. He wouldn't understand. He wouldn't understand he was only trying to protect his companion from the monster he kept locked away.

"I heard it Vegeta," he said softly.

::Oh GodS!:: "Kakarott, I-"

"It's alright. I already knew you didn't love me. We're companions. You said that."

Kakarott's voice was so faint - he could hardly hear him. His companion was trying to hide the wound his words inflicted, but he didn't know how, and Vegeta ached at the pain he created.

"I don't want to hurt..." he began.

Kakarott sat beside him, cupping his chin, forcing him to meet his eyes.

"Nothing has changed. I love you and will stand by you no matter what. You've never lied to me."

"I'm sorry," he said sadly. "I do need you - I care for you more than I have for anyone else. But... you deserve more."

" I don't care what I deserve. I know what I want - you. I love you."

He pressed against Kakarott's palm, desperate for touch. Kakarott knew - he always seemed to know - and gently smoothed his other hand over his shoulder and back.

"Vegeta...the...the other thing..."

He looked at beautiful chocolate eyes and realized Kakarott was - not embarrassed - nervous - about what he was going to say.

"You and...the voice...said...when we make love... I would never force you to do anything you don't want to."

Vegeta stared at him in horror. How could he cause his companion this much grief? Kakarott had heard everything. He would think he was fighting because he didn't want to be with him. How could he explain it was because he needed to be with Kakarott? Somehow he knew giving in would take that all away.

He pressed his body as close to Kakarott as possible, wanting to be part of him again. He wanted Kakarott to know and feel what he had no words to describe. He felt himself tremble as his companion returned the embrace, surrounding him in warmth.

"I know. I trust you. I just wish I could explain..." he began.

"You don't have to, Vegeta - but I think it would help you. No matter what, it wouldn't make me leave you. We are tied together - bonded."

He was silent as Kakarott simply held him, his soft black tail gently curled around his waist, purring for him. His companion didn't know how to block the bond, and he could feel how much Kakarott cared for him, as well as the sadness and fear he was causing.

Kakarott's skin was fire under his fingers, and he couldn't stop touching him. He was addicted to the young Saiyan. He knew that whatever had happened had upset his companion, but he didn't know what to do to stop it. He hated that every time he turned around he was making Kakarott unhappy. This is not what he wanted.

"Vegeta - please. Tell me what is wrong. Let me help."

"I don't think you can," he said. He breathed in Kakarott's scent. GodS! How had he lived so long without this?

"I can try." Kakarott sounded determined, but he didn't know what Frieza had done to his mind. Was it fair to expose him to the risk?

"How?" he asked, voice hoarse. "How can you trust me? I'm a monster - a killer. I don't even trust myself."

::Oh Vegeta, what did he do to you?:: Goku crushed his prince to him, willing him to know how much he was loved and wanted. "You aren't a monster - if you were you wouldn't be fighting so hard."

"I'm so tired..." Vegeta said, nuzzling his neck.

"I know..." Goku tilted his head to give him access, purring as his prince gently kissed him. He felt how hungry Vegeta was for contact that wasn't pain.

He could feel Vegeta shivering in delayed reaction and raised his ki to surround and protect them both. He wished he could go back and destroy Frieza before he ever got his hands on his prince. He would do it, even if it meant he would never have the chance to hold Vegeta again - no one should have to go through this suffering.

"Vegeta..." he finally said. "Why don't you think it is safe to be in love?"

"I can't explain it. I just..." Vegeta sighed. "I don't even know what it is. I know hate and pain and anger... but love? I lost that before I even knew it existed."

"That's not true, Vegeta. You love Trunks... I think you loved my brother. You just don't realize it. And I don't think you would ever hurt us."

Vegeta hesitated, wondering. Should he tell Kakarott? How much? He still couldn't believe Kakarott wanted to stay with him even when he knew he was in danger. He trusted him... he had to believe his companion wouldn't use the knowledge to hurt him. If Kakarott knew what danger he was in would he leave him? What if telling him would help get rid of the voice?

"I...might. I don't expect you to understand. All I know is I keep seeing myself attacking..." he stopped, not wanting to say that word. The one that meant Frieza really had destroyed him.

"Vegeta?" Goku heard the pause, knew that his prince was fighting with himself to continue.

Vegeta took a shaky breath. "...raping... people I care about. I considered killing myself when I started having nightmares about Trunks... and now dream about hurting you too."

Goku was silent, listening to him breathe. He could feel Vegeta trembling, and knew he was afraid he would be rejected for this admission.

"Is that something you want to do? To hurt us like that?" he said quietly.

"No."

"Then why do you think you will?" How could he convince Vegeta that he was wrong - that his fear was unjustified?

"My nightmares..."

"Just because you dream something doesn't mean you will do it. You are just remembering what happened to you, not what you want to do."

Vegeta got up and crossed the room to stare out the window. He knew he could never stand to be alone again. Just seconds apart and he already missed Kakarott's heat. This need he felt for the younger Saiyan was a weakness he had never imagined developing.

"I black out - I don't know what I do then. What if I..."

"Vegeta, you nearly killed yourself to protect Trunks from Frieza - I was there, remember? Why do you think you would do the same thing as that animal? You are not a monster. You are a good father who doesn't want his son to get hurt."

He shook his head in denial, watching Kakarott watch him in the reflection in the window.

"How many times have you blacked out?"

"Eight - nine times. I'm not sure."

"Have you hurt anyone during those episodes?" Kakarott stood up, moved closer. He was standing right behind him, close enough he could feel his breath moving his hair. He wanted nothing more than to turn and wrap his arms around his companion, to feel the strength of hard muscle against him.

"Not that I know of."

"And I don't think you will, either. The only person you hurt this time was yourself. You remember the pain Frieza caused you and are worried it could happen again, but you are not Frieza."

Vegeta stared into the dark eyes of the reflection. He desperately wanted Kakarott to be right. He didn't know how he would be able to live with himself if he hurt his son or companion. Kakarott had so much faith in him - he couldn't disappoint him.

"What if I do it again?" he whispered.

The vibrations rushed through him as Kakarott put a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Then I will stay with you - watch over you."

"Kakarott," Vegeta said, turning and looking at him sadly, "If... you have to promise me... if I do something like that - if I hurt someone... you have to kill me."

"No." Goku's fingers tightened on Vegeta's shoulder. He would never kill Vegeta - no matter what he did. "Vegeta - how can you ask me to do something like that? If you die, then Frieza will be able to hurt you again."

"And I will deserve it. You have to - or I will do it myself."

"No Vegeta. I will never let him touch you again. I will die - go to hell myself - before I will let that happen."

"Don't be a fool, Kakarott. I am not worth dying over."

"I think you are.. .but more than that, I think what we have is worth living for."

Vegeta closed his eyes and bowed his head. Goku barely heard his whispers. "You are too forgiving, Kakarott. But I will not be able to forgive myself if I hurt someone I care about."

The heat was filling him again as Kakarott tilted his chin up, forcing him to meet the intense brown eyes. "I will always forgive you, Vegeta. I trust you."

TBC