These crappy moments...

I feel sad. I think too much. Bleh. I feel lonely. Loneliness rarely gets to me but sometimes, I guess I let it catch me. I shouldn't, because once loneliness gets you, me, well it sticks until I can manage to outrun it again. I've had an argument with a very close friend and I got hurt. She did the only think someone can do to hurt me. The only thing I'll do everything to prevent. She rejected me. She pushed me away because I wasn't the friend she wanted me to be. I can only be as imperfect as I am. I was rejected. I will push people away, I will reject people. Better push people away then be pushed away. That's why I keep this little people around me. First, I don't need a crowd around me. I've always been wary of people, thank you crappy childhood. People can hurt you, people can sometimes enter your life an wreck it. I've seen it happen to so many people. You settle down with the wrong person and it can ruins you. If you let it, I know. I know. We are always in control of our lives. I'm negative because I cared and I got hurt. A part of me, tells me it's better to be just alone but I know that that voice is not to be listened to. It's the same voice that got me in trouble in the past...when my hair were red, where I did no good in Montreal's streets. Where I took drugs and left college. I don't regret that, I learned. But, on this one...on pushing people away, I know it in me that I shouldn't listen.

Sometimes you think that you straightened you stuff, that you're ok...but I guess we can never be. A part of me, grew twisted and that part will always be twisted. It's part of who I am, I have to accept it. And I did accept it. I am who I am. My past, my fracking childhood made me who I am but sometimes, it just resurfaces and yeah, it sucks. Sorry, I don't feel like being poetic or being a so-called writer who rhymes with his suffering. Screw that. I'm being rejected and all the times I was pushed away as a kid, all the times I wanted to be part of something, I wanted to be accepted, just comes back to me. Making me feel like I did as a kid. Out of place, unloved, alone, like nothing. I hate that, and I know that it's in my hands to make me feel better because i'm not that kid anymore. I just want to be a kid for now, and feel my pain. Thinking about ghostly arms around me...