Another Word's Worth A-B: Another Word's Worth A-B

Another Word's Worth A-B

 

© Copyright Andrew Holt 2001

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Abundance (n)- A cartoon in a bread commercial.

 

 

 

Acceptable (n)- A sharp-edged piece of furniture for some reason favoured by Stevie Wonder.

 

 

 

Acceptor (n)- One of Stevie Wonder's bodyguards (furniture division).

 

 

 

Accoutrement (n)- The only hors d'eouvre left after a party, due to the M&M conspicuously adorning it.

 

 

 

Acetone (n)- The sound which a teenage rock band mistakenly hope that they have achieved.

 

 

 

Achilles Heel (n)- That part of the foot which never fails to buckle, when either walking down the catwalk for the first time or negotiating the white line on the road in a police inebriation test.

 

 

 

Achromatic (adj.)- Descriptive of the smell of bad breath.

 

 

 

Acknowledge (n)- Surprising news. Ronald Reagan was known to have received vast amounts of acknowledge from his aides during his administration.

 

 

 

Acme (n)- Malady caused by the frequent handling of anaesthetics, enabling doctors to write illegibly.

 

 

 

Acquit (n)- A formal Scottish resignation.

 

 

 

Acrobat (n)- A flying rodent with pitifully limited sonar capabilities.

 

 

 

Acrophobia (n)- A trapeze artist’s fear of getting cramp in mid-air.

 

 

 

Acrostic (adj.)- Temporarily adhesive, as of fridge magnets.

 

 

 

Actinium (n)- Dramatic measure of time. The period between the curtain going up and the first actor swaggering onto stage. 1 actinium = 4.25 seconds.

 

 

 

Acupuncture (n)- The correct name for the indentation in the wall surrounding a dart board.

 

 

 

Addendum (n)- The only straight bit of the intestines.

 

 

 

Addle (vb.)- To simulate the gait of a penguin. This can be done by wearing one's trousers around one's ankles- "As instructed, Hugh Grant addled from the car and fell gracelessly against his arresting officer."

 

 

 

Adenoids (n)- A tasteless video game.

 

 

 

Adjoin (n)- A plumber's temporary safeguard, until he can find the right part. Since this takes him anything up to two weeks, the adjoin he installed gives way in the interim, creating a bigger and more expensive problem.

 

 

 

Administer (n)- A church P.R.O.

 

 

 

Admission (n)- The prescribed duty of an administer (q.v.).

 

 

 

Adultery (n)- The secret compartment in a lady's handbag in which her vibrator is kept.

 

 

 

Adversary (n)- A year to the day after having been divorced.

 

 

 

Adverse (n)- A bitter poem written on an adversary (q.v.).

 

 

 

Aesthetic (adj.)- Healthy but illiterate.

 

 

 

Affluent (n)- Royal poo.

 

 

 

Afterwards (pl.n)- The rooms at the distant end of the hospital into which the noisiest patients are sequestered during visiting hours.

 

 

 

Ahoy (vb.)- To submit to unannounced nausea- "I was telling her about my recent promotion, when I suddenly ahoyed into her cleavage."

 

 

 

Airlock (vb.)- To have utter control over one's sphincter in polite company and bean-eating contests.

 

 

 

Airstrip (n)- {rare} A combine skydiver/ exotic dancer.

 

 

 

Albacore (n)- The little hole at the centre of a vinyl record.

 

 

 

Alderman (n)- The gentleman employed to inspect your genitals in public restrooms.

 

 

 

Allegretto (n)- A singing voice exclusive to the late Louis Armstrong.

 

 

 

Alliterate (adj.)- Of unionised postal workers, only being able to write legibly on protest banners.

 

 

 

Almanac (n)- A plastic garment worn by beggars to keep in the lice.

 

 

 

Altogether (n)- The lady in the choir who ruins the harmony with her untimely menstrual cramps.

 

 

 

Alyssum (n)- A madhouse for rich dyslexics.

 

 

 

Amalgamate (n)- One from whom you cannot detach yourself, due to the fact that the condom melted in extremis.

 

 

 

Ambulatory (n)- A portable urinal.

 

 

 

Ambush (n)- A small thorny shrub, which you never knew you had in your garden, that is designed to tear a hole in your pant leg when you're rushing to work in the morning.

 

 

 

Amen (pl.n)- Biblical superheroes.

 

 

 

Amenorrhoea (n)- The sub-compartment in a confessional booth into which the priest is allowed to void himself during a protracted venting of a confessor's sins.

 

 

 

Amicable (n)- The rope with which pacifist martyrs hang themselves.

 

 

 

Ammo (n)- The sound a gunshot makes in deep space.

 

 

 

Amnesia (n)- The country that Christopher Columbus was in fact trying to find, which whereabouts he couldn't quite recall.

 

 

 

Amplitude (n)- The subtle volume level that teenagers know will annoy their parents, but not their neighbours.

 

 

 

Anagram (n)- A barely lucid grandparent who never fails to spell your name wrongly on Christmas cards.

 

 

 

Analyst (n)- Another name for a proctologist.

 

 

 

Andiron (n)- The metal used to make chain mail gloves.

 

 

 

Anecdote (n)- The unsightly lump on an otherwise beatific face, which one cannot help but stare at.

 

 

 

Animadversion (n)- A parental fear of Saturday morning cartoons.

 

 

 

Animate (n)- A suitable counterpart for a non-human star. E.g. Minnie Mouse, Petunia Pig, Mrs. Pauly Shore etc.

 

 

 

Animus (n)- The generic term for any one of two unflushable turds. One being the unsinkable torpedo, the other the cluster of buoyant pellets.

 

 

 

Anklet (vb.)- In tennis, to give a point away by falling down and complaining blasphemously about the mutinous clay surface.

 

 

 

Annihilate (n)- A drug suspected to have been abused, amongst other things and people by Sid Vicious.

 

 

 

Annulment (n)- A lengthy pause in a conversation between men, when a particularly buxom lady comes into view.

 

 

 

Anomaly (n)- An uncommon Christian name given to an unfavoured child by a malicious parent. E.g. Ruprecht, Chignon or Farnquar.

 

 

 

Anomie (n)- A school bully whose sole ambition is to torment those who have been Christened with anomalies.

 

 

 

Anonym (n)- A word that can be spelt wrongly both ways.

 

 

 

Anorak (n)- A carnivorous deer fluently feared by Siberians.

 

 

 

Antecede (n)- Any insect with enough legs to give one the willies.

 

 

 

Antecedents (pl.n.)- The late relatives of antecedes, whose deaths are often accompanied by frantic stomping and whoops of terror.

 

 

 

Antechamber (n)- The room at a party that you least want to be in. Usually the antechamber is the parents’ bedroom whilst in the company of the parents’ offspring when the aforesaid parents come home early.

 

 

 

Antenatal (adj.)- The state of profound regret at ever having had sex that a woman experiences during childbirth.

 

 

 

Antepenultimate (n)- The person you end up marrying when you suddenly realise you’re getting too old and unattractive for playing the field.

 

 

 

Anthrax (n)- A long-handled cutting tool designed for putting diseased livestock out of their misery.

 

 

 

Anthropomorphism (n)- The sudden vitality that transforms a sick cow when it’s looking down the business end of an anthrax (q.v.).

 

 

 

Antibiotic (adj.)- Suicidal.

 

 

 

Anticlimax (n)- An out-take in a pornographic film.

 

 

 

Anticline (n)- The witty quip uttered by a court jester immediately before turning somersaults.

 

 

 

Antilogarithm (n)- The musical ballad based on algebraic formulae that Einstein composed, that didn’t quite hit number one on the charts.

 

 

 

Antimatter (n)- A petty conversation heard spoken between a couple on the bus seat behind you on the way to work.

 

 

 

Antipersonnel (adj.)- Of employers, who sit at their desk shuffling papers about during a crisis.

 

 

 

Apache (n)- The Native American art of sculpting with solidified animal fat.

 

 

 

Apartment (n)- American segregation in the 60’s.

 

 

 

Apostolate (n)- In biblical times, one who complained about the advanced erosion of his sandals after too much Messiah-following.

 

 

 

Appendectomy (n)- A cosmetic operation in which some length is taken from the nose and added onto the nether parts.

 

 

 

Apple (vb.)- To play drums on the thighs with the palms of one’s hands. Tom Jones is an expert appler.

 

 

 

Apricot (n)- A hammock fashioned out of leaves and snot by Diane Fossey.

 

 

 

Aquamarine (n)- A naval scuba diver.

 

 

 

Aquatic (n)- An underwater parasite.

 

 

 

Aqueous humour (n)- The comedy routine that Jaques Cousteau was little known for, and seldom quoted on- “What lies at the bottom of the sea and trembles? A nervous wreck! Oh zut alors, I am so finny!”

 

 

 

Arabesque (adj.)- In architecture, the only way in which Muslims are allowed to depict the naked female breast.

 

 

 

Arable (n)- A passage in the Koran.

 

 

 

Arbor vitae (n)- A gardener’s job application.

 

 

 

Archangel (n)- One of the cherubim hewn into a stone cathedral.

 

 

 

Armadillo (n)- An erotic toy made to withstand extravagant abuse.

 

 

 

Armpit (n)- The hole that is dug to ceremoniously bury weapons in times of peace.

 

 

 

Aromatic (adj.)- Nostalgic about the way a woman smelt.

 

 

 

Arpeggio (n)- Pinocchio’s predecessor, who had strings, too few joints and was made out of balsa wood and elastic bands.

 

 

 

Arquebus (n)- A vehicle used solely to transport dozens of dead deer from their natural habitat to the hunting lodge for disembowelling.

 

 

 

Arrack (n)- The politely abrupt noise made by one who has just tried their first oyster.

 

 

 

Arrogate (n)- One of those cast iron fences with the beautifully decorative latticework and the lethal spikes atop.

 

 

 

Arsenic (adj.)- Descriptive of a picturesque bottom. Suma wrestlers are not famed for arsenic posteriors.

 

 

 

Artifact (n)- A passionate statement expostulated by a critic, which in itself defies any contradiction, even by the bewildered artist himself.

 

 

 

Artillery (n)- A factory in which reproductions of Van Gogh’s “Sunflowers” are manufactured.

 

 

 

Asafoetida (n)- The scientific word for the crispy texture of sweaty socks that have been left in the sun too long.

 

 

 

Asbestos (Prop. n)- A late Argentinean soccer star, who was well known for setting himself on fire after scoring a goal. He died in the 1976 World Cup semi-final after scoring a hat trick in the first half.

 

 

 

Ascendant (n)- Somebody who only wants to do as well as his lawyer son, since it was him that got him there in the first place, dammit!

 

 

 

Ashamed (Prop. n)- The lesser pilgrimage to Mecca, in which its devotees just hang around the outskirts of the city, taking in the sun.

 

 

 

Asparagus (adj.)- Ancient Latin term used to describe Cleopatra’s bloated appearance in her last moments.

 

 

 

Asphalt (n)- A sudden applying of breaks when you realise the road you’re speeding along is littered with orange cones and workmen.

 

 

 

Aspirate (n)- One who boards the ship uninvited, wants none of the treasure, but leaves everybody wishing he had.

 

 

 

Assemblage (n)- A line-up in a Victorian plague inoculation gauntlet.

 

 

 

Assessor (n)- One who decides which babies are suitable for diaper advertisements.

 

 

 

Asseverate (n)- The little pointy bone at the bottom of the spine.

 

 

 

Associate (n)- One whose job it is to hold the rein of the donkey to stop it galloping off hither and yon, unchecked, with you on its back. Joseph was just Mary’s associate, no matter what the tabloids claimed.

 

 

 

Asteroids (n)- A medical condition suffered by those issued with space suits a few sizes too small. Affectionately known as unworldly wedgies.

 

 

 

Astraddle (n)- The intolerable chafing that accompanies asteroids (q.v.).

 

 

 

Astronomical (adj.)- Of NASA’s space budget.

 

 

 

Asymptote (n)- A large canvas bag that nomad traders carry on their heads across the desert. Ironically, a lot of asymptotes contain asymptotes of a finer quality from Istanbul to be sold to wealthier nomad traders.

 

 

 

Athwart (n)- The facial growth that appears in the crevice between nostril and cheek to mark the age of sixty.

 

 

 

Atmosphere (n)- A large rubber ball that kindergarten teachers use to convey the fundamentals of geography to infants. Given that the atmosphere is then taken outside and kicked about, one can almost understand why people grow up with such little respect for the planet.

 

 

 

Atrocity (n)- A town fabled for its history of violence.

 

 

 

Atropine (n)- A non-coniferous plant cunningly disguised to look like a Christmas tree by having all its foliage obscured by tinsel. Office ferns are often converted to atropines during the festive season.

 

 

 

Attack (n)- The drawing pin that ambushes your finger while you’re searching for your chewing gum in your desk drawer.

 

 

 

Attic (vb.)- Descriptive of the look on a businessman’s face when he realizes he’s left his cellular telephone at home.

 

 

 

Attract (n)- The cavernous area at the end of the alimentary canal in which flatulence collects prior to release.

 

 

 

August (n)- A fart voluminous enough to make the trouser seat billow out like a sail.

 

 

 

Auricle (n)- The hidden area from which ear hair sprouts.

 

 

 

Auspices (pl.n)- The unidentified ingredients resembling bits of bark, dry grass and twigs in a traditional Indian curry.

 

 

 

Autopsy (adj.)- Of the uncertain gait of a newborn foal.

 

 

 

Avant-garde (n)- A sentry box outside The Louvre.

 

 

 

Awn (n)- A yawn that gets cut off in mid-gape, so that you won’t hurt the feelings of the person who is boring you.

 

 

 

Axiomatic (n)- A machine invented to replace the anthrax (q.v.) during the big foot-and-mouth panic of ’78.

 

 

 

Aztecan (n)- A 15th century Mexican toilet fashioned out of obsidian and decorated with human skull fragments.

 

 

 

 

 

 B

 

 

 

Babble (vb.)- Of toddlers, to blow orange spit bubbles when they’re supposed to be eating their mashed carrots.

 

 

 

Baccarat (n)- A tiny rodent responsible for chewing the little hole in the cigarette just above the filter, that allows the smoke to escape in a sideways plume when you’re trying to get a lung-full.

 

 

 

Bacchant (n)- The acoustic property in Catholic churches with high ceilings, which gives even the most appalling hymn-singer's voice an eerie resonance.

 

 

 

Bacillus (n)- The proper term for the long nasal hair that curls around from one nostril to visit its fellows in the other.

 

 

 

Backcomb (n)- A stiff-bristled instrument used by people who are lagging behind on the evolutionary treadmill.

 

 

 

Backgammon (n)- An evasive manoeuvre in the pigpen come ham-canning season.

 

 

 

Backtrack (n)- The deep counterclockwise groove in a record, made by one stubbornly intent on hearing the hidden message in rock music.  It is a frightening fact that many backtracks contain the message “Shneaer fworp yit yit marsh!” which can be clearly identified as a blatant call to Satanism.

 

 

 

Backwash (n)- The small geyser that fills one basin when you’re letting the dishwater out of its neighbour.

 

 

 

Baclava (n)- A head covering used by Irish bank robbers, which conceals everything but the eyes, nose, mouth and ears.

 

 

 

Badinage (n)- One who remains violently offensive at the age of ninety.

 

 

 

Badminton (n)- The pharmaceutical lozenge mouthed tentatively by a child who was convinced it was a boiled sweet when he first plucked it from the carpet’s weave.

 

 

 

Baffle (vb.)- Of children, to cover one’s ears with one’s hands to exclude unwanted data.

 

 

 

Bagel (n)- The French baker who accidentally invented the doughnut by over-curling his croissants.

 

 

 

Bagnio (n)- The Italian flautist who introduced the technique of inhaling from, instead of blowing into wind instruments. Ian Anderson of Jethro Tull can do both simultaneously.

 

 

 

Bahaism (Prop. n)- Scrooge’s foul-tempered but mercifully scant following at Christmas.

 

 

 

Bailiwick (n)- That part of the candle that convinces you that you should have lit it from the other end in the first place.

 

 

 

Baked Alaska (Prop. n)- Jules Verne’s unpublished novel, in which the Ice Age is abruptly curtailed by cataclysmic volcanic activity.

 

 

 

Baksheesh (n)- The exasperated sound made by an affronted beggar who has just spent the entire afternoon narrating his unabridged sob story for a few lousy coppers.

 

 

 

Balalaika (n)- A cunnilingus test for gigolo cadets.

 

 

 

Balance (n)- The weight worn on one hip by a jouster to keep him from toppling from his horse.

 

 

 

Balcony (adj.)- Descriptive of the repugnant appearance of an unkempt toe.

 

 

 

Balderdash (n)- The frantic pursuit of a man who has just lost his toupee to a fierce wind.

 

 

 

Baldric (n)- The elevated step between thin grey hair and thick auburn hairpiece.

 

 

 

Ballock (n)- The defensive position assumed by those who lost in the ballot (q.v.).

 

 

 

Ballot (n)- A drawing of straws that takes place to establish which players have to form the wall during a penalty kick.

 

 

 

Ballyhoo (n)- 1. A crisis involving British fighter planes during the Second World War. 2. The profane commotion in the cockpit, when a flock of owls gets entangled in the propeller.

 

 

 

Baluster (n)- The blinding shine of wood, that can only be achieved by small human toboggans frequently taking the shortcut to the ground floor.

 

 

 

Bamboozle (vb.)- To catch an elusive panda bear, using a baited trap.

 

 

 

Bandage (n)- The sell-by-date allotted to any famous rock group. The Rolling Stones have exceeded their bandage by a couple of decades.

 

 

 

Bankrupt (n)- The tear in one’s pocket that gets inexorably wider as the month goes on.

 

 

 

Banquet (n)- A musical group at a wedding, comprised of an indeterminate number of musicians, as one or two go off to try the punch.

 

 

 

Barathea (n)- The dog-eared coaster found on a Saturday morning in one’s jacket pocket, which has inscribed upon it the telephone number of some disremembered personage. 

 

 

 

Barbarian (n)- One who noisily slams his beer mug down, to let it be known he wants another of the same, please.

 

 

 

Barbarity (n)- The enhanced state of undress that a lady finds herself in after a few tequilas.

 

 

 

Barbecue (n)- The comprehensive drilling one gives to the house pool pro, using the most warped stick left on the rack.

 

 

 

Bar mitzvah (n)- The assortment of peanuts, raisins and cigarette ash in a ceramic bowl at a house party.

 

 

 

Barnacle (n)- A local who is always in the same chair and in the same position, no matter what time of day or night one arrives at the pub.

 

 

 

Barnyard (n)- The unbridled guffaw emitted by a bricklayer at a secluded event. A typical “nyard” can be heard at a radius of up to 250 metres.

 

 

 

Baronet (n)- A crude wire mesh used by gentlewomen in the 17th century to snag desirable noblemen on their way to work.

 

 

 

Baron of Beef (n)- Any unregistered knighthood, military commission or Lordship bestowed freely upon a food franchiser. For example, Colonel Sanders is not really a regimental officer, but a chicken farmer.

 

 

 

Barque (n)- The sound emitted by a French Poodle.

 

 

 

Barrel Organ (n)- The condition of a man with elephantiasis who was fortunate enough to get it in the right place.

 

 

 

Barramunda (Rare n.)- An Australian sport, in which the competitors have to limbo under freshly shorn sheep.

 

 

 

Barred Owl (n)- A nocturnal bird of prey, omitted from the nighttime gatherings of raptors due to bad mouse-breath.

 

 

 

Barred Pickerel (n)- A fish ousted from the school due to its bubbles coming out of the wrong end.

 

 

 

Barren Grounds (pl.n.)- The remnants at the bottom of the coffee can, which can only be extracted with the employment of a dentist's drill.

 

 

 

Bartramia (n.) In extremely frigid climes, the tendency of one's glass freezing to the bar-top.

 

 

 

Barunduki (n)- A  coaster made of seal fur used in igloos to prevent bartramia (q.v.).

 

 

 

Basal ganglion (n)- The aged but noble patriarch of the pride, who recruits lesser cats for the hunt, due to his poor sense of smell, sight, hearing, equilibrium, etc.

 

 

 

Basic Slag (n)- The only call girl left twiddling her thumbs, awaiting  the clubfooted sailor who has slowly but triumphantly descended the gangplank in the wake of his overzealous and oversexed shipmates.

 

 

 

Basifixed (adj.)- Stuck indefinitely, as of the skins of sausages to the barbeque grill. Any amount of scouring and acid treatment do little but change the colour of the crusty basifixation.

 

 

 

Basilar Artery (n)- That part of the heart's left ventricle that may become clogged and endanger its owner to basiliscus (q.v.), owing to the successful liberation and ingestion of the post-barbecue basilar membrane (q.v.).

 

 

 

Basilar Membrane (n)- The often toxic, carbonated encrustations of sausages left to cook too long on an open fire.

 

 

 

Basiliscus- (n.)- The sporadic, whooping cough suffered most often by barbecue latecomers.

 

 

 

Basketeer- One of three historic French sword-wielding heroes, whose escapades may have been recorded posthumously, had they not been mere grape-pickers.

 

 

 

Basophile- One who attends barbecues exclusively for the basilar membranes (q.v.).

 

 

 

Bassariscus- (Rare n.)- The key event at the ill-fated Venetian Games, in which fish were batted from one gondola to the next with wads of kelp.

 

 

 

Bassariscus Astutus- (n.)- The crowned victor of the Bassariscus (q.v.) event, whose prize was a year's supply of tenderized fish and kelp.

 

 

 

Bassarisk- (n.)- The danger of not having one's gondola securely moored during the advent of a bassariscus (q.v.) relay.

 

 

 

Basset Oboe- (n)- The mournful cry of a neighbourhood hound, which would otherwise be strangely musical in the rosy light of the morning sun, if you weren't trying to sleep off a hangover.

 

 

 

Bastard Feverfew- (pl.n)- Any one of a promiscuous tomcat's forgotten litters.

 

 

 

Bastard Pimpernel- (Prop. n.)- Scarlet's illegitimate child.

 

 

 

Bath Cube- (n)- A Rubik's puzzle made of varicoloured sponge.

 

 

 

Bathysphere- (n)- One of those little ablutionary globes filled with scented oils one gets with heart-shaped chocolates and copious quantities of designer sawdust in a birthday gift-pack.

 

 

 

Batrachian- (adj.)- Denoting the throaty drawl of a Klingon.

 

 

 

Bazooka- (n)- An ear-curling implement made of household tinfoil and wooden paddles used by hunters for sending wayward bears back into hibernation, at least for another twenty minutes, while they go back to the Jeep to get their guns.

 

 

 

Beach plum- (n)- The angry hue of thigh skin to which sun cream had foolishly not been applied.

 

 

 

Beaker- (n)- A rugged ornithologist who can identify all birds of prey by the network of scars on his forearms.

 

 

 

Beard lichen- (n)- The tiny, missing shreds of toilet roll, giving a woman cause for buying mothballs, only to discover her husband has taken those pieces for shaving blots.

 

 

 

Beatnik- (n)- The incriminating dent in a Los Angeles policeman's truncheon.

 

 

 

Bechtel crab- (n)- The sideways shuffle a reluctant karaoke 

 

singer undergoes when approaching the stage.

 

 

 

Bedazzle- (n)- The collection of rose petals, confetti, condoms and drawing pins strewn on the wedding pallet by a newly married couple's nearest and damnedest.

 

 

 

Bedewed- (adj.)- Of Australian blankets, smelling of sheep.

 

 

 

Bedpost- (n)- The secret letters kept under one's pillow.

 

 

 

Bedraggle- (n)- The state of a single wrinkled cheek, having been slept upon the entire night.

 

 

 

Beef Bourguignonne- (n)- The French equivalent of a Baron of Beef (q.v.).

 

 

 

Beef Jerky- (adj.)- Given to spasms of ague, having eaten a steak from an animal diagnosed with Mad Cow Disease.

 

 

 

Beef Tenderloin- (n)- The fragile condition of an obsolete bull, having recently been savagely unburdened by the local vet.

 

 

 

Beelzebub- (n)- A fresh, dew-spangled Spring rosebud, brought longingly to one's nose, which contains any number of stinging insects.

 

 

 

Beethoven- (rare. n)- A small iron cauldron used by Norse vegetarians.

 

 

 

Befoulment- (n.)- The brown, odoriferous inner moat left behind by would-be conquerors outside an impregnable fort.

 

 

 

Begetter- (n)- A prematurely bearded fourteen-year old high school student whose sole purpose for turning up at school every day is to hang around in the corridors selling illegal things.

 

 

 

Beggar Lice- (pl.n)- Ambitious parasites, striving for the luxury of a sun-warmed pate.

 

 

 

Beggarly- (adj.)- Marked by the crooked appearance of hands perpetually thrust outward.

 

 

 

Beggary- (n)- Intercourse between bums.

 

 

 

Begrudge- (n) The strong adhesive bond joining the marital sheets applied by a jealous ex-boyfriend to postpone the consummation (see bedazzle).

 

 

 

Behemoth- (n)- One of those enormous flying insects you find flapping around the porch light.

 

 

 

Behindhand- (n)- The sensation of having your buttocks lovingly clasped in a gay bar, only to find you've backed yourself up against the wall.

 

 

 

Bejewel- (n)- A gem-encrusted Israeli skullcap.

 

 

 

Behoove- (vb.)- To cover the carpet with the contents of the vacuum cleaner, having pressed the blow button by mistake.

 

 

 

Belabour- (n)- A certain breed of dog, which despite desperate measures to keep it indoors and unmolested by canine suitors, perpetually emits copious litters of pups.

 

 

 

Beldam- (n)- An affordable madhouse for dyslexics (see Alyssum).

 

 

 

Belfast- (n)- The monk given the job of rapidly tolling the wedding services on a busy Saturday afternoon.

 

 

 

Belfry- (n)- An apprentice belfast (q.v.) not yet tall enough to reach the ropes.

 

 

 

Belladonna- (n)- The statue of the Virgin left in the bell tower to inspire belfasts (q.v.).

 

 

 

Bell-bottom- (n)- The condition of one's posterior centrally purpled by the clapper of advanced haemorrhoids.

 

 

 

Bellbottom trousers- (n)- Pants with padding in the rump to relieve the symptoms of those suffering from bell-bottom (q.v.).

 

 

 

Bellyband- (n)- The group of discordant musicians attending a Turkish festival.

 

 

 

Belshazzar- (n)-  The collar of newly shaven whiskers circumscribing a washbasin after the water has escaped.

 

 

 

Bench Warmer- (n)- A senior citizen who has blown half their pension cheque on birdseed.

 

 

 

Bench Warrant- (n)- A document allowing police officers to arrest bench warmers (q.v.) for vandalism, when the conglomeration of pigeon droppings around public rest areas begins to impede pedestrian traffic.

 

 

 

Bend Dexter- (n)- Another term for a contortionist.

 

 

 

Bend Sinister- (n)- An impossible pose struck by a Bend Dexter (q.v.), announcing the surrender of some integral bone or sinew.

 

 

 

Benefactress- (n)- A perfoming artist who would normally be subjected to merciless scrutiny during auditions, who is automatically made famous by their legendary parent. Liza Minelli is, for example, the benefactress of Judy Garland.

 

 

 

Benison- (n)- Deer meat, cooked to imperfection.

 

 

 

Benthic Division- (n) One of those black stripes bisecting a barrier line, which has a more profound effect than road signs in persuading one to drive cautiously around the hairpin bend.

 

 

 

Benzoyl Group- (n)- A therapy session for science fiction addicts, in which the members are given leave to converse solely in Star Trek quotes, in order to get it out of their system and thereby function normally at work.

 

 

 

Benzoyl Radical- (n)- One who attends benzoyl groups only to pick up new material with which to astound his colleagues the next morning around the water cooler.

 

 

 

Bequeath- (n)- The sound made by a fresh dog turd unnoticeably and barefootedly trod upon.

 

 

 

Bergamot Mint- (n)- The round, perfumed blue tablet found in the mouth of one's infant son after having hoisted him up to the public urinal.

 

 

 

Berkelium- (n)- The gas used to fill balloons and liberated by poor Donald Duck impersonators.

 

 

 

Berkshire- (n)- Any village overrun with idiots.

 

 

 

Bermuda Shorts- (pl.n.)- Holiday home videos of little duration, taken of majestic ships that abruptly vanish without trace.

 

 

 

Bernoulli Distribution- (n)- A fair allotment of meatballs at Italian mealtimes to prevent sibling violence.

 

 

 

Beseech- (vb.)- To suck air through one's teeth, having just stubbed one's toe on the table leg.

 

 

 

Bessy Cerca- (n)- The small orbit a jockey puts his horse through before the  big race.

 

 

 

Bestowed- (pl.n.)- The more deserving people to be reimbursed on a bad debtor's list.

 

 

 

Beta-adrenergic Blocking Agent- (n)- A presidential bodyguard best suited for taking a bullet aimed for his charge due to his monstrous bulk.

 

 

 

Beta Vulgaris- (n)- The mountainous depository, hidden by the F.B.I., for betamax video tapes.

 

 

 

Bethlehem- (vb.)- To reverentially clear one's throat in church.

 

 

 

Betray- (n)- The omnipotent stare a gambler gives the die.

 

 

 

Beverly Hills- (Prop. n.)- The pseudonym ascribed to Dolly Parton before she became a songstress. It is little known that Ms. Parton tried several variations of these names whilst she was in adult filming;  Beverly Parts, Holly Pints, Partly Hilly etc.

 

 

 

Bewick's Swan- (n)- A sculpted piece of tin foil, resembling a bird.

 

 

 

Bezzant- (n)- An insect that has somehow found its way past the airtight Tupperware seal and cling film in order to commit suicide by drowning in mayonnaise.

 

 

 

Bible Belt- (n)- A thick leather thong with an ornate metal clasp, used by serious Christians to secure their literature from heathen eyes.

 

 

 

Bibless- (adj.)- Of hotel rooms, having no reading matter in the bedside drawer.

 

 

 

Bicapsular- (adj.)- Interchangeable, as of certain hats. For instance, there are some bicapsular cloth caps, tartan on one side and paisley on the other, used for travelling from Scotland to England, to prevent unnecessary expenditure.

 

 

 

Bickering- (n)- The embossed text on a confectionery snack.

 

 

 

Biconcave- (n)- A rocky tunnel spelunked nightly by a group of enthusiasts on an expensive tour, supposedly adorned with prehistoric paintings, that in daylight look suspiciously like hippy graffiti.

 

 

 

Biconvex- (vb.)- To piss off those who have paid good money to investigate the biconcave (q.v.).

 

 

 

Bicuspid Valve- (n)- That part of the male member that enables a man to urinate in incongruous directions after coitus.

 

 

 

Bidentate- (n)- One who has never attended a public auction before, but at a veritable steal has come away with two metres of steel cable and a box of rubber mallets.

 

 

 

Biff- (n)- Any sound that can be written in emotive text.

 

 

 

Bigamist- (n)- A Texan who tries to prove that America often suffers thicker fogs than London.

 

 

 

Bigarade- (n)- An effervescent calcium tablet that comes in two equally unpalatable flavours.

 

 

 

Big-bud Hickory- (n)- A lovebite that swells to immense proportions in haemophiliacs, that can only be concealed by wearing a neck brace. Quasimodo's once handsome face may well have been marred by big-bud hickories lovingly administered by the fair Esmerelda.

 

 

 

Big Dipper- (n)- The overweight toddler in the bobbing-for-apples event at a birthday party, who, in his zeal, ends up syphoning out half the water.

 

 

 

Big Shagbark- (n)- An enormous, ancient tree, upon which lovers etch their initials, after rutting like rats betwixt its ample roots.

 

 

 

Bigtooth Aspen- (n)- A snake destined for extinction, with rear molars, a protruding lower jaw and over-developed venomous fangs, that bites itself to death whilst chewing its food.

 

 

 

Bihari- (n)- A religious edict, recruiting pairs of bald, orange-clad supplicants to international airports.

 

 

 

Bijugate Leaf- (Collective n.)- Of horror movies, the strewed ivy foliage on the ground one causes after opening the rusted gate of a haunted mansion that has been undisturbed for three generations. In the bigger budget horror movies you can see the hunchbacked caterer sweeping up the bijugate leaf in the wake of the intrepid hero.

 

 

 

Bilabial- (n.)- Kama Sutra for lesbians.

 

 

 

Bilestone- (n)- That kind of gruff, resonant sound one can only achieve by vomiting into an aluminum bucket (see allegretto).

 

 

 

Billabong- (n)- A pilfered British policeman's helmet, painted green and fitted with a handle, used as a bell in Saint Patrick's Day festivities.

 

 

 

Billet Doux- (n)- French term for sexual congress in the Oval Office.

 

 

 

Billingsgate- (n)- A pet name for the Clinton scandal.

 

 

 

Bill Stickers- (Prop. n.) An elusive vandal, whose apprehension has yet to be celebrated by the police. Many angry proclamations can still be found on bleak governmental walls, bearing the words "Bill Stickers will be prosecuted".

 

 

 

Billow- (n)- A plastic inflatable cushion upon which one rests one's head on the beach.

 

 

 

Billy Buttons- (pl.n.) Goat navels.

 

 

 

Bimanual- (n)- An instruction booklet on how to pleasure both sexes.

 

 

 

Bimetallic Strip- (n)- An exotic dance at a sadomasochist club.

 

 

 

Binary Arithmetic Operation- (n)- A surgical procedure during which blackboard chalk is removed from an inattentive student's nostril.

 

 

 

Binaural- (n)- The ability, by knocking, to ascertain how many people are sleeping in a  dumpster.

 

 

 

Bing Cherry- (n)- Any ice cream topping that becomes a bottoming once the ice cream has melted.

 

 

 

Bin-Liner- (n)- A ship used entirely to transport refuse to Tahiti for dumping.

 

 

 

Bioclimatic- (adj.)- Descriptive of the last paragraph of some famous person's life story.

 

 

 

Bioflavinoid- (n)- A foolproof gland found in the noses of dogs and cats that instantly tells them what foods are natural or synthetic. A bioflavinoid can detect an anti-worm pill buried within a roast elephant shank.

 

 

 

Bionic (adj.)- Idiotically strong (see Aesthetic).

 

 

 

Biosynthetic- (n)- A durable plastic organ used in high school anatomy models.

 

 

 

Bipartisan- (n)- A painter whose professional zeal is manifested in his bespattered overall.

 

 

 

Biplane- (n)- George Michael's personal jet.

 

 

 

Bipolar disorder- (n)- A penguin stampede.

 

 

 

Bird Louse- (n)- A driver who constantly keeps his car window down in case he needs to offer offensive hand signals to other drivers.

 

 

 

Bird Vetch- (n)- The avian disgorgement festooning a fledgeling nest.

 

 

 

Birefringent- (n)- A key encased in glass, whose purpose is to convince building inspectors that fire precautions are in place, even though said key is really the spare to the outside lavatory.

 

 

 

Birth Control- (n)- The intricate communications system in New York General Hospital's maternity ward.

 

 

 

Birth Pangs- (pl.n.)- Pre-natal punches to the ovaries, dispensed by a strong foetus.

 

 

 

Birthwort- (n)- A callus on an old-fashioned obstetrician's knuckle who refuses to use those newfangled forceps during a breech birth.

 

 

 

Birthwort Family- (n)- A brood of children wont to suffer from mysterious cramps, having been manhandled into the world by old-fashioned obstetricians.

 

 

 

Biscutalla Laevigata- (n)- Latin term for the constellation of rusk motes floating in a cup of coffee.

 

 

 

Bishopry- (adj.)- Of sexually ambiguous persons, being in a quandary as to whether or not to buy pink or blue chiffon for the big parade.

 

 

 

Bismark- (n)- A German word used to describe the involuntary fetid secretion into the SS Guard's underwear during a tirade from Hitler himself.

 

 

 

Bistered- (adj.)- Vexed about being only partially sunburned after a day on the beach.

 

 

 

Bit-By-Bit- (n)- The only documented set of Siamese twin horses.

 

 

 

Biteplate- (n)- A soft plastic dish malformed by a teething babe.

 

 

 

Bitis gabonica- (n)- The genus of a certain West African mosquito, oftentimes mistaken for a particularly menacing hummingbird.

 

 

 

Bitmap (n)- A braille atlas.

 

 

 

Bitter floom (n)- The revolting sediment of soluble painkillers in the bottom of the glass.

 

 

 

Bitumastic (adj.)- As of the sinewy properties of hot mozzarella.

 

 

 

Blabbermouth (n)- Someone still orally benumbed from the dentist who has unwisely just tried to take a swallow of tea.

 

 

 

Black Cohosh (n)- An outsized ebony dildo, used as a bludgeon when the man arrives home at two in the morning smelling of booze and perfume, whose responsibility it was to get his ass home early enough to prevent the employment of the black cohosh in the first place.

 

 

 

Black Crappie (n)- Diaper contents of the evil variety.

 

 

 

Blackdamp (n)- The dark stain on a saloon floor, especially around the spittoon.

 

 

 

Black Huckleberry (n)- A Mark Twain novel translated into Zulu.

 

 

 

Black Saltwort (n)- An ebon, granitic unpopped kernel, which is all that is left in the pop corn box as the credits roll up at the movie theatre.

 

 

 

Bladder Campion (n)- A nylon, watertight pocket in a tent, used in frigid weather when it's far too cold to venture out into the bushes to relieve oneself.

 

 

 

Blaeberry (n)- A close relation of the gooseberry, only far more repulsive to the palate.

 

 

 

Blancmange (n)- The French word for doggy dandruff.

 

 

 

Blandfordia (n)- A behavioural condition particular to Norwegians, being utterly bored with local surrounds.

 

 

 

Blanket Flower (n)- One of those striking yellow blooms embroidered onto a duvet.

 

 

 

Blarney Stone (n)- A rock hidden by humus and fallen leaves, stubbed by the toe of a hiker, eliciting impolite utterances.

 

 

 

Blaspheme (n)- (of smokers) A giggle that morphs into an uncontrollable hacking cough.

 

 

 

Blastoderm (n)- The thin photosensitive layer on the eye that allows one to enjoy firework displays long after their conclusion.

 

 

 

Blather (n)- Beer foam on the upper lip.

 

 

 

Blatta (n)- A peculiarly loud emission of intestinal gas that sounds like a curt standing ovation.

 

 

 

Bleaching Agent (n)- One employed to colour the hair of The Back Street Boys.

 

 

 

Bleb (n)- The mouthful of baby food stored under the infant's lower lip.

 

 

 

Blechnum Spicant (n)- The correct term for the abnormally long and elastic string of spit that follows a torrent of vomit.

 

 

 

Blenniod (adj.)- Used to describe the ad-hoc and unpalatable mix of ingredients in a toasted sandwich made after a debauched party. Bovril, cheese, bacon and banana makes a memorable blenniod sandwich.

 

 

 

Blennioidea (n)- A gastric infection caused by cooking with incompatible ingredients.

 

 

 

Blether (n)- False hide. Hong Kong is the chief exporter of blether jackets.

 

 

 

Blimp (Arch.n.)- The tiny white dot in the middle of the T.V. screen that once signified the end of a television broadcast before CNN.

 

 

 

Blindman's Buff (n)- Any object left on the leash after the labrador thieves have struck.

 

 

 

Blind Spot (n)- A dog who has his own seeing-eye human.

 

 

 

Blintz (n)- The tiny white paper balls stuck to all your clothing after you’ve done the washing, having left a tissue in a shirt pocket.