Soppy Emails... Blech!: Soppy Emails... Blech!

I am sure that you've all received those flowery chain Emails giving advice on how to live a happy life and love everyone and blah and yet more blah. And I'm sure we all agree that after reading a few of these, they get a little noisome. I received one this morning called "Thoughts to live your life by", listing sage suggestions to make our lives more rosy. If everybody followed these ideals, the planet would be a strange place indeed. Here are ten to which we should not harken:

1. "When playing games with children, let them win". Great idea! Let kids think they're unbeatable so when they're all grown up and they start losing for the first time in sixteen years, they think the've suffered a seizure or similar.

2. "Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know". This will only irritate your friends, particularly those who were previously the most positive and enthusiastic of the bunch.

3. "When someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go". Imagine if the two huggers in question had both read this piece of advice and had taken it to heart. How long would they stand there hugging each other until one decided to give up?

4. "Live your life so that your epitaph could read, No Regrets". Personally I'd like my epitaph to read "He may have had a few regrets, but at least he lived to be a hundred and thirteen and made a ridiculously gigantic amount of money."

5. "Wave at the children on a school bus". The children of today are not the good little Christopher Robins of the early twentieth century. Waving every day at children will only earn you the epithet "weird waving mental case". Besides, shouldn't you be getting to work?

6. "Make someone's day by paying the toll for the person in the car behind you". This would not work. If everybody did this, the guy in the car right at the back would feel selfish, having nobody behind him to pay for. Or he might sit there until another car arrives so that he can pay for the driver and be late for his appointment.

7. "Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference". It is virtually impossible to pretend to be brave to the point where nobody can tell the difference, when you're running away from a homicidal maniac who is intent on braining you with a crowbar.

8. "Avoid sarcastic remarks". What? "Quick! Duck! Someone just said something sarcastic!"

9. "Compliment the meal when you're a guest in someone's home". This is encouraging us to tell lies. Please refer to my essay on British cuisine - http://www.paperdemon.com/storyview.php/id/1306.html.

10. "Don't allow the phone to interrupt important moments. It's there for your convenience, not the caller's". How do you know the caller's moment is not more important? They could be lying on the side of the road with three broken ribs, and bleeding from some orifice.

No offence intended to the author of "Thoughts to live your life by".