I'm Still Me: Chapter 4

Chapter 4 The Next Couple Weeks

The next week at school went rather uneventfully for Kasey. The parents and police of the town were all on high alert so her crowd wasn’t able to get into a lot of trouble. And what trouble they did manage to find, didn’t include Kasey. Kasey’s mother had installed an alarm system on the house that went off any time Kasey tried to get out, and had started calling Kasey if she didn’t get home within thirty minutes. If Kasey didn’t pick up her cell phone, Sarah drove around the town until she found her. It was an intense and stressful week for both mother and daughter, but Sarah was determined and Kasey was stymied.

On Friday, Kasey decided to risk her mother’s wrath and stayed to hang out with some of her crew after school. They were gathered in the part of the parking lot that wasn’t covered by security cameras. As she walked up she could tell something interesting had happened because they were all gathered around ‘The Fist’ Adam. Kasey shouldered her way in between John and Kit-Kat. “Hey” she said as she manage to get into the circle. Kat managed a distracted “Hey” as she craned to see what Adam had in his hands. Curiosity building, Kasey worked her way through the group to get a better view. When she finally managed to see what was in Adam’s beefy hands, she felt her body go cold. Adam held a small pistol that he was showing around, saying loudly “It’s a 9mm that my Uncle got me. He said he’s gonna teach me how to shoot it since I’ll be turning 16 and am gonna be a man this summer.” Adam grinned widely. One of the kids in the back of the group piped up “He let you keep it? Wow! My dad won’t even let me look at his guns!” Adam shrugged, a cocky smile on his face “I never said he let me keep it. But you know, it just kinda fell into my hands.” The phrase ‘fell into my hands’ was the one the kids in her crew used when they didn’t want to explicitly say they stole it. The crowd ooh’d and aww’d and Adam’s reputation took a steep leap upward. After most everyone else had left, Adam walked over to Kasey and said “Hey Kasey. So, do you like my new gun?” Kasey shrugged “it’s alright.” Adam posed, pointing the gun at a nearby tree “not even like this?” Kasey just shrugged again. Adam tried again “Well, if you’re interested, give me a call and you and I can go out somewhere and try it out. What do you think of that?” he waited nervously for Kasey’s answer. All Kasey could think about was her grandmother’s passionate voice saying “Nothing good ever comes from owning a gun.” After a moment of listening to it rebound through her head, she said “I think I’m gonna have to pass on that Adam. Sorry. I’m already in deep shit at home, if mom caught me with a gun I’d be dead.” Adam’s face fell, then he gathered himself “Oh well. Suite yourself. Your loss.” the voice that had spoken earlier about his father’s guns struck up next to them. “Hey, if you’re not gonna take her out with it, can I go with ya? I know a little bit about guns. It could be fun. Then you could really show your Uncle what a man you are if you already know how to shoot it before he teaches you.” Adam’s thick face lit up “Yeah! And when I’m a man, I’m finally gonna get some respect around here!”

Kasey looked at Adam uneasily. The words of her grandmother and the words of Adam bouncing around her head. The two ideas were so at odds with each other that Kasey couldn’t decide which one was the better argument. But everyone else seemed really excited about Adam’s new gun, so Kasey decided that she would be too. But she knew deep down inside as she finally started the bike ride home, that it wasn’t as easy as all that. A weight had settled deep in her stomach and that night she dreamed about her grandfather and Adam’s gun.

Another week went by almost uneventfully. Kasey still couldn’t get out of the house or away from her mother. Her grades were improving though, since she didn’t have anything else to do with her time. That Monday, when Kasey got home from school, she was excited to see that her stereo had been returned to it’s proper place on the shelf. She happily turned it on and cranked it up. She danced around in the middle of her room, rejoicing in the banishment of the silence that had been hounding her ever since her room had been stripped. She danced until she heard her mother’s voice calling up the stairs for her to turn it down. After that, she did turn it down, but she left it on all day and all night to keep the awful silence at bay.

It was Friday when Kasey got the news. At first when she got to school, everything seemed normal. It was at lunch when Kasey sat down at the table full of Goths and rebels, ignoring her old school friends who watched her worriedly for awhile, that she noticed that neither Adam, nor the kid who had mentioned his dad’s guns were at the table like usual. She just shrugged it off, thinking they were sick. But the table was unusually subdued that day. Everyone was picking at their food and trying not to look at each other. Kasey felt particularly left out and finally poked John, who was sitting next to her, in the ribs and asked “What’s wrong with everybody?” she said it loudly and everyone looked up at her, startled. John shrugged away from her poking finger and said “What do you mean what’s wrong with everyone?” Kasey gestured around the table. “Look at everyone. I swear it looks like you’ve all lost a beloved pet or something.” She paused as everyone looked at her oddly, then she continued hesitantly, more quiet now. “What do you all know that I don’t know?” everyone took turns looking at each other, trying to decide who would let her in on the secret. Finally Kit-Kat took a deep breath and said quietly. “Remember after school last Friday when Adam showed off his new gun?” Kasey nodded “Yeah. Why?” Kat took a deep breath “Well, apparently it fell into Adam’s hands again and he and Eric went out behind the old church to that abandoned baseball field to try it out. They didn’t really know what they were doing.” Kat took a deep breath and Kasey felt sick to her stomach, already knowing what was coming. “Well, Adam’s alright physically. But Eric’s in the hospital. They say he’s going to be alright, but you never know with adults. They could just be lying. Anyway, Adam’s being held at the jailhouse right now and there’s talk about juvenile hall.” All Kasey could muster was a quiet “Oh.” as she joined everyone else at picking at her food, her appetite banished as she heard her grandmother’s voice again “Nothing good ever comes from owning a gun.” But it continued this time with “He didn’t know anything about guns.” Kasey found herself distracted by these words the rest of the day.

Sunday rolled around and mother and daughter went to visit Nainy. They didn’t stay long though. Nainy was having one of her really bad days and kept getting confused and mistaking Kasey for a young Aunt Kristie.

When Kasey woke up on Monday she felt a nervous tension in the bottom of her stomach that she had managed to ignore most of the weekend. It kept her from eating breakfast. She was afraid that when she got to school, she’d hear that Eric had gotten worse and died. She walked up to the main doors of the school with a heavy tread, her feet dragging. She saw a group of her new friends hanging out to the right of the door and she walked up to them nervously. The looked up or waved as she walked up, but no one said anything because Kit-Kat was relating a story about one of the last parties she had been to. When she was done, Kasey poked John in the ribs again and he pretended to be angry and glared at her for it. With a nervous half-smile she asked “so, has anyone heard about Eric and Adam?” Kit-Kat shook her head and so did a few of the others, but John spoke up. “I heard they moved Eric out of critical care today so they’re allowing people to visit him. But I haven’t heard anything about whether or not Adam’s going to Juvy.” Kasey heaved a sigh of relief. “I’m glad Eric’s going to be ok.” there was a chorus of “Me too” in response to it.

Kasey tried to ignore the question of whether or not Adam was going to Juvy, but it kept bothering her at odd times. Finally, she asked her homeroom teacher during the time allotted for the changing of classes. “Mrs. White?” Kasey asked. Mrs. White was a plump old woman in her mid fifties with salt and pepper hair and a usually peppy attitude. She turned toward Kasey with a smile “Yes Kasey?” Kasey took a deep breath and gathered her courage “Mrs. White, there’s been some rumors that Adam’s going to be withdrawn from school. Do you know if he is or not?” Mrs. White looked at Kasey, surprised. “I hadn’t heard anything about him being taken out of school. I can ask if you want?” Kasey quickly refused “No thank you. If you haven’t heard about it, then he probably isn’t. Thank you though.” She beat a hasty retreat from Mrs. White. Not only in the hopes of making it to Math on time, but also because it made her uncomfortable talking about Adam. She didn’t really like Adam. He was a big bully without much common sense or brains at all. But he was part of her crew so she had to try to find out about him. She slipped into her chair in Math just as the bell rang and Mr.Holland started teaching. She idly scratched down some notes about what Mr. Holland was teaching while she thought about the problem of Adam.

He wasn’t a good friend. He wasn’t even a friend. She just knew him as one of the better partiers in the group. If there was trouble in town, he knew about it. So he had become one of the leaders of the little group of rebels. But Kasey didn’t like him as a person. So why did she feel she had to worry about him? For the rest of the day Kasey wrestled with the conflicting ideas.

After school, some of her crew got together. Kasey suggested they all ride their bikes over to the hospital to visit Eric. At first she seemed to be the only one who wanted to go, or felt like they should. But someone brought up the fact that he had been shot and they might get to see the bullet hole, then everyone else decided to come with. Kasey felt a little hollow inside. Wondering why they were going to visit Eric if they didn’t even really care for him as a person. Before they left, Kasey gave her mother a call. Sarah answered, surprise in her voice “Hello Kasey? What’s up? Anything wrong?” Sarah wasn’t used to Kasey calling her. Kasey answered “No nothings wrong. My friend Eric is in the hospital.” she continued in a rush “don’t worry. He’s gonna be alright. But we were all planning on going over to visit him today and see how he’s doing. Can I go?” Sarah’s voice was hesitant. “Well, you have been doing better.” she paused and Kasey held her breath. “You can go. As long as you’re back home by five ok?” Kasey nodded vigorously, then realized her mom couldn’t see that. “Right mom. Home by five. Thanks!” “You’re welcome. Stay out of trouble!” “I will.” Kasey hung up then joined everyone who was waiting for her to get off her phone. As they rode their bikes down the street Kasey was made fun of for calling home to tell her mom. They said things like “Kasey needs her mommy.” and “Mommy’s little girl.” Finally Kasey snapped at them “Shut up already! Shit!” and everyone decided to find another topic of conversation. But it bothered Kasey that they made fun of her for calling home. Calling home kept her mother off her back, and kept her mother from worrying. What’s so wrong about that? She thought.

She hadn’t come to any conclusive thought by the time they reached the hospital. Kasey led the group as she walked up to the counter and asked for Erick Travito’s room. The nurse behind the counter told them the room number and how to get there. Then they all crammed into an elevator to head up to the third floor. Once there, everyone tumbled out of the elevator and headed to Erick’s room. The smell of disinfectant was strong and the halls were filled with the family of patients and distracted nurses and doctors. When they got to Erick’s room everyone filed in and said hi, then stood around awkwardly. Kasey walked over to his bed and looked down at him and said “Hey Erick!” He said “Hey” somewhat drowsily because of the drugs. “How’re you feeling?” she asked. Erick shrugged a little “I’m alright. They’ve got me on some awesome pain drugs dude. I swear, I can barely think straight!” the crowd over Kasey’s shoulder perked up and someone said “dude! You should get us some!” Erick laughed a little and said “yeah sure I’ll see what I can do.” Kasey looked down at Erick queasily. “Are you sure that’s a good idea Erick? You could get into a lot of trouble if they found out you were faking.” Erick just laughed at her and one of the crew shoved her shoulder remarking “you worry to much Kasey! Erick’ll do it! He’ll be fine. Won’t you Erick?” Erick nodded “You bet. Hey! When’s the next party?” he asked the boy standing behind Kasey. “Next Saturday out at Rocco’s. Think you’ll be able to make it?” Erick shrugged again. “I don’t know but I’ll definitely try!” Kasey shook her head and looked down at Erick. “You should try to rest up a bit before you go to any parties.” But Erick just scoffed at her warning and Kasey felt herself being pushed to the back of the crowd as everyone tried to get a look at the hole in Erick’s side and talked about the party.

Erick’s willingness to go to a party right after he got shot confused Kasey. The common sense in her argued that he needed to rest up. That the drugs and alcohol at the parties couldn’t be good for him. That it might actually kill him. But no one else seemed to care about that. No one seemed to care that Erick almost died. When Kasey realized that none of the crew really cared about Erick’s life, and that they all were planning on going out to another party, Erick included, she realized she really didn’t understand these people. As she looked around at the faces that had been her crew for the past several months, she realized that she really didn’t know any of them. Didn’t know their likes and dislikes. Didn’t know what they would and would not do. And she realized that she couldn’t trust anyone in that room. Not a one of the people crowding Erick’s hospital room could really truly be trusted. She asked herself why she’d been hanging with this crowd and couldn’t come up with a satisfactory answer. So finally Kasey called “Bye Erick” over the voices of the crowd and ran from the room, down the elevator, and out to her bike.

On the ride home, Kasey thought about why she’d been going to all these parties. She thought about why she’d been drinking, doing drugs, and generally breaking the law. And she couldn’t come up with an answer that sat nicely inside her. Everything she thought of felt hollow and heavy. Eventually she boiled the reasons she’d been acting the way she had down to the fact that they’d told her to. They’d told her that it was fun. So she had believed them. She shook her head, hair flying the breeze. What’ve I been doing? she asked herself. These people don’t care about me. They don’t care about anyone. They don’t even care about themselves. Why would I want to be with them? If I got hurt, none of them would even care at all. And as this realization finally applied itself to herself, she heard her grandmother’s voice in her head again “If his friends said it… he’d do it”. She shook her head to rid herself of the voice. But it continued anyway. “You remind me of him. You do some of the things he did.” As the pavement sped away under her wheels, Kasey realized that the way she was going, she could have been Erick. If she’d taken Adam up on his offer, she could have been the one in the hospital room.

It was a scary thought. One she really didn’t want to think about for long, but while it was there, it made a serious impression on her spirit. If she hadn’t thought about what her mom would have done if she’d gotten caught; if she had just gone along with Adam, just because he was Adam and he’d asked, she could have been killed. Kasey’s adolescent mind couldn’t cope with the idea of an end to her existence for long. She quickly started thinking about something else. What would her mom have done if she’d been caught out with Adam and the gun? God, mom would have gone nutsshe thought. And I probably would have gone to Juvy. Didn’t mom say they were gonna send me to Juvy? she tried to think back but it was very fuzzy. She’d been trying hard not to listen to her mother, and had had a horrible hangover.

Kasey turned the corner onto her street and rode up to her house. Looking up at the face of their house, she felt like she just couldn’t go inside yet. She felt like she just couldn’t face her mother yet. So instead, she walked her bike around to the back yard, propped it up against the garage, then went and sat in the swing of her old playground set.

Kasey sat there for quite some time. Swinging slowly as her thoughts tumbled. She remembered the way her father laughed when he pushed her in the swing. She remembered the look on his face when he caught her jumping off the swing, just as it reached it’s highest point. Then she remembered the look on his face as he picked up his suitecase and headed out the door. She paused in her swinging, thinking, Maybe he didn’t want to go. Maybe he didn’t want to leave me. Maybe. Maybe he just couldn’t get along with mom anymore. she thought back to that conversation around the kitchen table, when her mother and father had told her they were getting a divorce. They said that they wanted the best for me. And that they didn’t think they could give it to me if they stayed together. Maybe they were right. Kasey finally admitted to herself that all those late night yelling matches she’d heard coming from her parent’s room hadn’t been the television. She finally admitted to herself that she knew it had to be her parents fighting because they didn’t have a television in their room. She leaned her head against the cold chain that held the swing. if you’re going to be honest Kasey, it’s best if you’re honest with yourself. she told herself. You knew they weren’t getting along. You knew it was going south even before they told you. You knew it. You just didn’t want to admit it. So why do you blame Mom for it? she asked herself, poking at the pain inside her chest as if it were a loose tooth. why blame her for something you know she didn’t really want to do. She was just as hurt by dad leaving. You know that. Kasey remembered how the late night yelling matches had been replaced by the sound of her mother crying herself to sleep. Be honest. Mom’s been going through a hard time, and you haven’t been making it any better. she chided herself. Everything you’ve done has just made it harder on her then ever before. She could feel the war raging on inside her between the good daughter and the rebel. You’ve been blaming her for everything, even though she’s already blaming herself. the rebel tried vainly to cry out that pain was good, but Kasey squashed it determinedly. I love my mother. I love my father. Just because they don’t love each other anymore, doesn’t mean they don’t love me. He may have left. But I’m still here. I’m still me. she looked down at her clothes and her boots and her pink and green hair moving in the wind with disgust. This isn’t me. She thought about how she’d been ignoring her old friends, the ones she’d known since elementary. I could trust them. she thought about the crew she’d been running with lately. I can’t trust them. With a deep breath, Kasey decided that she wasn’t going to let anyone else run her life again. She decided she wasn’t going to hang out with people who wouldn’t care if she died. She decided that she was going to make everything better. As best as she could.

She stood up and started walking to the sliding glass back door. As she stood in the doorway, she wavered for a moment. She could see her mother cooking in the kitchen. She could see how tired she looked. Sarah’s hair was unkempt and there were dark circles under her eyes. It was that moment that she realized how hard her newfound decisions were going to be to fulfill. She realized it was going to hurt and it was going to take time. With another deep breath for courage Kasey thought to herself It may take time. It may hurt. She looked at her mother’s tired face. but it’ll be worth it. Then walked inside, calling “Mom! I’m home!” and watching Sarah’s face light up.

 

 

Epilogue

Kasey was right. The next few months were tough as she redefined herself and her relationship with her mother and father. She went back to wearing her old clothes and donated her buckle-covered combat boots to Kit-Kat, who wore the same size. She tried to dye her hair back to it’s natural brown, but you could still see some of the pink and green in it if you caught it in the right light.

One of the hardest parts of Kasey’s readjustment, other then seeing her father for the first time since the divorce, was facing her old friends at school. She was terrified they would just reject her. She walked up to them at the lunch table, and everyone at the table got quiet and looked up at her expectantly. Kasey looked around at all of their faces, and said quietly “I’m sorry.” Everyone was still for a moment and Kasey felt like she couldn’t breathe. Then her best friend gave a small smile and scooted over on the bench, patting the seat to tell Kasey to sit down. “It’s ok. I don’t really understand why, but I don’t care.” she said, wrapping an arm around Kasey’s shoulders and hugging her close. “I’m just glad you’re back.” Kasey smiled shyly back at them. “Me too.”

After she was accepted back into her old group of friends, after she had visited her father, after she had worked to restore her relationship with her mother, everything settled down into a pleasant routine. Sarah uninstalled the alarm system and gave Kasey her key to the house back. By this time, most of the things in her room had been returned, but it wasn’t until the last day of school, when Kasey turned down her old crew’s invitation to an end-of-school bash, that Kasey came home to find the door to her room restored to it’s proper place. She almost walked into it, she’d become so used to not having one. As she caught herself, she started to laugh happily. Feeling better then she had in a very long time. She quickly ran into her room, dumped her school bag on her bed and ran down stairs to give her mother a great big hug saying “Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” Sarah laughed. “No Kasey dear.” Her mother looked down into Kasey’s beautiful brown eyes. “Thank you.”

The Beginning