Amazon Madness: Chapter 1: A Great Deal of Violence

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Okay, before we start the story I just want to say all the names mentioned in the author's notes are people from fanfiction.net. The story can be found in its original form there under the same name.                                                                                                                                                                   Miyuki: Konnichi wa my good readers! Sorry my updates are slow. Evil mind-eating leprechauns have stolen my inspiration and hidden it under the Irish hills. This is my faithful pet, the dragon Dante. (points at little green dragon perching on shoulder) Say hello, Dante.

Dante: Konnichi wa.

Miyuki: I‘m teaching him Japanese.

Dante: Hai, and you’re a lousy teacher!

Miyuki: (slaps Dante) Hey, I can’t help it if I don’t have any patience! Anyway, on to the story! Rated for suggestiveness.

Disclaimer: I don’t own Ranma ½ or any related characters.

Summary: Shampoo finally figures out a way to make Ranma fall in love with her: a special lipstick made with rare Chinese herbs. It makes whoever gets kissed fall in love. Shampoo steals a kiss from Ranma, and the lipstick works. But he accidentally comes across it in his girl form, thinking that it's chapstick, and gets kissed by none other than Ryoga! Now Shampoo, Akane, Ranma and Ryoga must travel to China to find a cure for the lipstick.

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Chapter One: In Which There Is A Great Deal of Violence

“Ranma! Shampoo come for date you promised yesterday!” The blue-haired Amazon girl crashed through the wall of the Tendo Dojo, causing the six people gathered around the table to attempt to climb the walls, five out of surprise, and one out of sheer desperation.

“What date is she talking about Ranma?” Akane asked, her voice sickly sweet. Ranma peered down at her from his perch on the ceiling. He contemplated coming down so he could explain, but then he remembered how fast she could whip out that giant mallet of hers. Where did she keep that thing?!

“I’ll tell you, but only if you promise not to beat me into oblivion,” Ranma said. Akane was silent for a moment then nodded her head. Sighing in relief, he dropped down beside her. “I promised to go on a date with her yesterday so she would leave me alone. She’s driving me batty!”

SMACKCLONKBONKSLAPCRASH!!!!! Ranma lay facedown on the floor, bruises covering his face, bumps covering his head. “W-what was that for? You promised!” he managed to say, past a bloody swelled-up lip.

“No, I promised I wouldn’t beat you into oblivion. I never said anything about the other side of the world,” she said, twirling the handle of the mallet in her fingers as she spoke. In the corner, Shampoo stood with her hand over her mouth in horror.

“Stupid girl! Why you beat up on Ranma like that?” she demanded, rushing over to said boy. Ranma looked up at her and went paler.

“I’m fine, Shampoo, go away,” he said, his voice almost pleading. He sat up, his spine cracking as he did so.

“No you not! You crack more than ice when cow herds cross it in springtime!” Shampoo argued, wrapping her arms around him.

“ARRRGGHHH! SHAMPOO!! Get off me!” he cried, trying to wriggle free of her grasp. Every move he made caused his body to protest by sending white-hot sparks of pain through every last nerve, but still he tried to get away.

“Ranma, be still now, let Shampoo fix your hurts!” she persisted, pinning him down quite easily with one hand, while the other roamed his upper body, searching for breaks.

“AIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! RAPE!!” he screamed, waving his arms uselessly above his head.

Shampoo smacked him gently on his head. “Be quiet, stupid boy, I no rape you!” she said. “There. All better!” she said, removing her restraining hand.

“What do you mean all better, you didn’t even do anything!” he said.

“Hmm. Where does it hurt?” she asked, leaning over his body and inspecting him.

“Right . . .” he stopped. It didn’t hurt anymore! He looked up at her, his eyes wide. “How did you do that?” he asked.

Shampoo grinned. “Special Amazon technique. Healing hands,” she said, wiggling her fingers.

“Can you teach me to do that?” he wondered.

“Could, if you marry Shampoo first,” she said, batting her eyelashes at him.

He sweatdropped. “Uh, on second thought, maybe I’ll learn it by myself,” he said.

“And you’re gonna need it after I get finished with you!” Akane screeched, looming up behind him, mallet in hand.

“Wait, Akane! I didn’t do anything!” Ranma said, scrambling away on his hands and knees.

“You’re face is annoying me,” she said, raising her mallet to finish him off. But before she could deliver the finishing blow, a black and white furry paw stopped her.

Genma-panda held up a sign. ‘Wait!’ it said.

“For what?” Akane asked furiously, her arms trembling with the exertion of holding up the mallet. Genma flipped the sign over and scribbled furiously. He held it up again.

‘If you let Ranma learn the technique . . .’ (Genma held up a second sign) ‘then you can beat on him twice as often’.

Ranma stood up furiously. “POP!! Stop givin’ her ideas! She’s violent enough as it is!” He flinched as a shadow fell over him. He knew what was coming. He closed his eyes and prepared for the blow . . . .

Which never came. Cracking one eye open, he sneakily looked up at his attacker, expecting a sneak attack. Akane stood there, her mallet halfway to the ground, a thoughtful look on her face.

“Hmmm . . . Maybe you’re right, Mr. Saotome,” she said. “If he learns how to heal himself, I don’t have to worry about losing my favorite plaything.”

Ranma shivered at her choice of words.

Unnoticed by everyone, Shampoo was slinking around the table, her hand reaching for the mallet held limply in Akane’s hand.

Ranma saw the movement behind Akane, and he went pale. If there was one thing he hated more than Akane with a mallet, it was Shampoo with a mallet.

Faster than Ranma could draw a breath, Shampoo had grabbed the mallet and was poised to let it crash down onto Akane’s head.

A split-second later, Ranma’s head exploded into a wave of pain. “OW! What the-” he trailed off as he saw the end of a very familiar walking-stick balancing just in front of him. “Oh no, the old ghoul returns . . .” he muttered darkly, and promptly received a sharp rap on the head from said ghoul.

“Be quiet, son-in-law,” Cologne ordered. “Shampoo, put down the mallet and come with me.”

Shampoo looked at her, the mallet still raised. “But why? I about to have Ranma all for myself!”

Cologne grabbed her hand and dragged her off. Shampoo let go of the mallet . . . Which crashed down right onto Ranma.

The two Amazons left the Tendo Dojo to screams from Ranma. Ands not very manly screams, either.

“What is it, Great-grandma?” Shampoo asked curiously.

Cologne grinned. “I think I’ve come up with a fool-proof plan to get Son-in-law to finally agree to a marriage.”