Personal Demons: Tsukasa's World

I groaned and rolled over. There was a foul odor lurking around, but I couldn't place it. I sat up, rubbing my black eye, and blinked: I was in a dumpster! Quickly, I scrambled out and fell to the ground, too short to just climb out. I panted heavily, trying to get my bearings. “I'm behind the school…” I said to myself quietly, “That little bi-…” I stopped short as a sob lodged itself in the back of my throat, “Kazuma…” I cried, burying my face in my hands, “Kazuma!!”

Finally, school ended. I waited behind the dumpster while the other kids hopped into their parents' cars and left; I waited for Kazuma Mimiru.

I recognized my mother's sedan driving up to the sidewalk, but I couldn't come out yet because there were too many kids around.

At last, Mimiru entered the playground, saying goodbye to her `friends'. She sat on a bench, pulling out a sandwich, which she began eating ferociously. I swallowed hard, “I've got to talk to her…I have to figure out what the hell is going on…”

Trying to avoid being seen by my mom, I ran around the long way, behind the playground towards Mimiru, coming up from behind her. I stopped a few feet away, panting heavily.

There was a long silence, then finally, she spoke before I could, “Who are you?” she said it in that solemn dried out voice that she has when she's talking about something strange.

“I…I'm Sassi; your best…”

She cut me off, “Where did you come from and how do you know me? I don't know you, and the fact that you know me is just plain weird.” She turned her head slowly, her green eyes piercing, but not as hostile as earlier; now her face remained straight and expressionless.

“I don't know…where I'm from anymore. I can't tell what's real and what's not. I wanted your help Mimiru…” I paused, “I thought…I dreamt a time when we were best friends…but I don't know what the difference is between dream and reality.” The words that came from my scabbed lips seemed to surprise me more than they surprised Mimiru.

“I bet you're lost, aren't you?” she looked down, still expressionless, “You're just some wandering spirit, trying to find out what is real?” she looked up at me again, “I can tell you what's real.”

I gasped, and then sat on the other end of the bench, ready to listen.

She stood, staring straight ahead of her, as if she were watching something far off in the distance, “This is real. This is a world where you are alone. Your mother is there but she does not understand you. You have no other family. You have no friends. You don't even really exist. You're here because something in the back of your head wanted to come here; something called the subconscious. You are here because your subconscious wanted to be here, because Tsukasa wanted to be here…”

I spoke as she paused, “Wait-if you don't know me, how do you know my first name?”

She remained still, “This is Tsukasa's world, and you don't have to believe it's real.”

“But I am Tsukasa!” I cried in confusion, “What do you mean, `Tsukasa's world'? I don't want to be here.”

“It is for him to decide. You are simply a cover; a mask so that Tsukasa can hide all of his true feelings, but that is the only place in which you exist. Tsukasa wished to be here; this is the place in which he will be happy, and that is why you do not belong.” She was still speaking in an eerie monotone voice, causing chills to run up and down my spine, “Tsukasa is happy here, so he does not need you. He does not want to have you, his mask, in his world. This is the world where he can take off his mask.”

I stood and crossed over to face her, “Wait, stop! What are you talking about? I am Tsukasa! There's no other me. I'm not a mask for someone else! I was happy with Mimiru! The real Mimiru! There is no other me and there never will be! I am not just a cover for someone else! I am Tsukasa Sassi, damn it!”

She looked at me solemnly and her eyes flashed, “Tsukasa hid all of his true feelings; even from you, Tsukasa. This is his wish; your wish: the wish from the back of your mind. You wanted this. You wanted to be alone.”

“I never wished to be alone! Never! I wished to be with Kazuma Mimiru and that's it!!” I felt my eyes begin to sting while my heart pounded in my chest, “I never wished to be alone!”

She looked at me blankly, “That is why Tsukasa never went with Mimiru; because he didn't want to be with her. He didn't want to be with anyone. That is your wish.”

I choked and staggered back, “No…no way…that's not the reason I never asked her! I just didn't want to ruin what we already had!”

“You want to be alone. That is your true wish.”

I grabbed her shoulders and shook her, “No, stop it! Stop!” tears poured down my face like a waterfall, “Please make it stop!”

Mimiru remained unphazed, “You do not belong here. You do not belong at all. The real Tsukasa…”

I screamed, trying to block out her words, “Stop! Please, stop it! I can't take it anymore! Stop it!” I heard her continue, “No! No, it's not true! You're lying!” in a blind rage, I punched her and threw her to the ground. For what seemed like hours, I stood over her lifeless body, panting, desperate for my breath. Her eyes were still open, staring up at me blankly. Finally, I fell to my knees and dug my fingers into the dirt, tearing out lumps of grass, “It's not true…” I shook, “It can't be true…I am Tsukasa…the real Tsukasa…”