Quest: Helpless

Chapter 11 - Helpless

With every egg he cracked open, Vegeta muttered another curse at that GodS-be-damned fucking red-eyed freak of a lizard bastard. He hated him. Hated that the prick was probably sitting there in hell laughing at him.

He slammed a pan on the stove and dumped ingredients into it, whipping them into a frenzy that poured over the edges.

It had been so long since he had seen anyone but Kakorr, Piccolo, the Namek brat, and the weird Popo. He was so afraid of hurting someone, that he had made himself a prisoner. He was angry, and frustrated, and GodS he missed his son...but he didn't dare think about the boy. For his son...for his lover...for himself - he had finally risked seeing the women - and it had not ended well.

Since then, he wished yet again that he had never been brought back to life after Frieza had killed him. He should have stayed in hell, enjoying the destruction he could cause. Instead, he was brought back, and changed. He was glad he had become a better man, but he also hated himself for it. Living, he had lived with the blue-haired woman, and respected her wit and intelligence. Because of her, he had become the father of a son who filled him with pride. He wanted to tell his boy how much he lo-

"Damn it!" Vegeta threw a pan across the kitchen, watching but not really seeing as it hit the wall and bounced over the floor.

He was still there; that other darker half, filled with that burning need for bones breaking under his hands, teeth ripping skin, blood on his tongue... He struggled to keep that evil locked away, remembering what it had been like to feel that hunger the instant before knocking out Kakorr and dragging his victim to the Gravity Room that horrible day. But since then he hadn't felt such darkness rising against Kakorr - he had feared it, but he finally realized that fire to hurt Kakorr was gone.

This...this was worse. Now he knew what could happen and it had been so close with the women. These feelings towards others he knew - his control was becoming more tenuous and he was beginning to see the effect their bond was having on him. Kakorr cared so much about everyone and now he was beginning to feel the same. He was no longer the angry, hate-filled person he had been.

He felt like he was shattered - split. Part of him was horrified at these thoughts. But...another buried monstrous part of him could see the bodies lined up before him and hungered for it. He didn't want to be that monster anymore - he would do anything to protect all of those he cared about. But he was running out of time - the list was growing - besides his son was the woman...and Kakorr's youngest... and sometimes, confusingly - the Namek.

He looked at the bands around his wrists and grimaced. He shouldn't have let Kakorr raise his ki...it was safer when he was weak. They were burning now as he fought to get control over himself. Maybe he deserved the pain. How could he think of doing that to anyone?

He didn't even know he was on his knees on the food spattered floor, sobbing in frustration, until Kakorr was there before him.

"Shhhh, Makoto," he purred, brushing a tear away with his thumb. "It's okay. I'm here."

Goku had rushed to the kitchen when he felt Vegeta's ki waver then push against the ki restraints. Even though Vegeta had insisted and he understood why they were needed, he felt incredible guilt about putting the wretched things on his prince and resisted keeping him totally helpless.

Vegeta's anguish and fear of losing control were pounding into Goku, making him weak and dizzy in reaction. This was worse than Vegeta's suffering after he had attacked Goku. Now his prince knew exactly what could happen - if he lost control for even an instant Trunks and Bulma would only be the first to suffer.

He was glad - proud, even - that Vegeta had finally changed enough to trust and love him. The problem was, it seemed to open the floodgates. Vegeta cared about a lot of people; he had just never admitted it. Now...well, now he couldn't seem to get his mind off of them - and as soon as he thought about them the brainwashing tried to trigger. He fought it - better than Goku would have been able to - but it was getting more difficult to resist.

Now he felt burning guilt, knowing Vegeta had let himself reach this point because of him. He wanted Bulma and Chichi to know what was going on, but not at the price of his prince's strength. If he had known what was going to happen, would he have been able to make Vegeta change his mind?

_______________

"Vegeta! No!"

Things had been going better than he expected. Bulma seemed doubtful at first, but Goku could tell Chichi believed Vegeta immediately. He had seen Chi doing that thing with her hands to keep from crying, but that didn't work for long, and he felt bad for upsetting her.

Still - Bulma didn't get mad or blame Vegeta, so that was good. Goku got annoyed at her a few times - it seemed like she didn't believe his prince - but Vegeta told him it was okay. It was just how she talked, but she didn't mean anything by it - this was normal for her.

He was starting to think they would actually get through this without any major problems until Bulma finally managed to get Vegeta aggravated enough to lose control. He had felt that little wobble then as Vegeta fought the brainwashing. He regained it, but Goku felt the vibrating tension in his prince. His admission about the recording - Vegeta's voice was ice, but Goku felt the pain and guilt stabbing him.

"I guess I should be glad that you never loved Trunks or me, then," Bulma said bitterly.

"Don't be stupid woman," Vegeta snapped. "I-" He faltered and stared, wide-eyed.

He had felt the shift even as Vegeta spoke, and shouted, horrified, trying to draw his prince back from the chasm. "Vegeta! No!" He moved between Vegeta and Bulma, blocking her from view.

"Nonononono," Vegeta was chanting under his breath, trembling as he fought for control. Goku could feel him fading in and out and was terrified he was going to lose him.

::Vegeta...Makoto...please. Hold on.::

"Vegeta, you have to concentrate. I'm right here. I won't let you go. You are stronger than the lizard. Fight it!" He struggled to reach his prince through their bond, trying to anchor him and surround him, keeping him safe from the darkness that was reaching out to envelop him.

"What's happening?"

Goku nearly cringed at the sound of Bulma's panicked voice. Vegeta was finding this hard enough - hearing her was making it even more difficult. He was barely holding on. His prince's tail was still coiled tightly around his arm, and now it began applying so much pressure he could feel delicate bones snapping as they crushed themselves against his harder wrist.

"Be silent." He hadn't even realized Piccolo had arrived, but his voice was calm, quiet, and commanding. Goku was grateful for his presence.

"Kakorr..." Vegeta pleaded, holding out his hands. "Please."

Goku knew what he was asking for and didn't see any other way to stop this disaster. He was in danger of losing his prince forever. He took Vegeta's wrists and hesitated, waiting for him to gain momentary control. As soon as he did, he slid his thumbs into the locks and dropped Vegeta's ki to nearly nothing, forcing him to pass out.

As his prince collapsed, he caught him in his arms, cradling him to his chest. "Oh Vegeta, I'm sorry," he whispered into chestnut hair.

"Goku? Did he go?" Piccolo asked with a calm he couldn't hope to achieve.

"No," he whispered. "Almost."

"What in the hell just happened?" Bulma demanded. "Why is he wearing those things? What did you do to him?"

"You need to raise his ki some, Son. It's too low. He can't survive on that."

He nodded numbly and raised the settings on the cuffs slightly.

"Well? Are you going to keep ignoring me?" Bulma insisted. "What's going on?"

"Bulma...hon...give him a minute," Chichi said gently.

Goku couldn't answer them - he was holding Vegeta tightly, apologizing to him over and over again.

"Son - is his tail damaged?" He just nodded. "Take him to Dende. Maybe he can do something. I'll fill them in."

He wanted to - he needed to - but he was numb. He didn't think he could concentrate on locating Dende's ki right now. He had almost lost Vegeta again and didn't know what to do. What would happen when Vegeta woke up?

Bulma sighed. "Look...I'm sorry if I sound angry. But could someone please explain what just happened?"

"He loves her?" Chichi said tentatively.

"Yes," Goku said, his answer coming out as a sobbing gasp. "And Trunks..."

Bulma took a deep breath as realization finally hit her. "Oh my god," she breathed.

Goku gently uncoiled the mangled, limp tail from his wrist. "He doesn't want anyone else to get hurt."

"That's the reason he's been avoiding everyone. It's easier for him to resist when he can't see or hear them," Piccolo added quietly.

"I'm going to lose him," Goku managed to choke out. "If - if something doesn't happen soon he's going to kill himself to protect everyone."

"He - he loves me? Vegeta really loves me?" she whispered in disbelief. "And that was the conditioning activating?"

"Please," Goku beginning to sob, "I don't know what else to do. You have to help him. I can't live without him."

-------------------------

"Shhhh, Makoto," Goku purred, "It's okay. I'm here."

::Kakorr...please...::

Goku looked at his desperate prince with sorrow-filled eyes.

::I can't...stop...thinking...::

"Vegeta-"

::Please.::

Goku swallowed - his prince was suffering. The battle against Frieza's conditioning was almost constant now, Vegeta's thoughts looping around in a circle destined to lead to disaster. He couldn't even concentrate enough to meditate - lately only one thing gave him any relief.

He gently took Vegeta's wrists and used the cuffs to drop his ki until it was too low for him to sit up on his own. Vegeta sighed, tension easing, and relaxed into his arms. Goku picked him up and carried him out to the living room, sitting on the sofa, holding his prince close.

After speaking to the women, things had deteriorated rapidly. This was the only thing that seemed to buy them time. When Vegeta's ki was low his mind seemed to become less focused - it was easier for Goku to distract him from his worried thoughts. Goku hated it though - when Vegeta was like this he was helpless. He didn't have enough strength to move easily, but his constant battle against his body's weakness gave him something to concentrate on other than Trunks or Bulma.

Vegeta leaned heavily against him, his head resting on his shoulder. "Kakorr-" he said, voice so soft he wasn't sure if he was hearing his prince or his thoughts. "I..."

"No one got hurt, Vegeta," he said quietly. His prince was still upset over what had almost happened.

Goku closed his eyes and fought not to shiver. Close. It had been so close. He knew Vegeta had felt himself going away and now just remembering what that had felt like made him tremble in sorrow and fear.

::Cold.::

"Let me put this blanket around you." Vegeta couldn't maintain his body temperature at this level, so Goku wrapped him in a blanket kept nearby for that purpose. He added his own ki, careful not to let it trigger the limiters in the cuffs. Vegeta's shivering eased as he purred for his prince, stroking the soft chestnut hair, tail brushing over Vegeta's cheek.

Vegeta was still thinking about what had nearly happened - it was becoming more difficult to break open that painful loop of memory.

"Makoto..." he purred, gently taking Vegeta's healed tail in his hand, gliding his fingers over the soft fur. "Relax. Just think about how good this feels. Do you like me petting your tail?"

::...Yes...::

He smiled softly and continued trailing his hands and tail over the prince, just trying to keep him calm and relaxed. He would have preferred touching Vegeta's bare skin - it might have been a little more effective - but it was important to keep him warm.

It was starting to work - Vegeta was beginning to purr, his thoughts becoming hazier. Vegeta's depression had returned and he knew his prince was considering suicide again, if only to protect those he loved. One thing preventing it was the knowledge that it would hurt Goku.

::I'm not going to let you die, Makoto.::

::What if...only way?::

Goku understood, but the thought that might be the only solution hurt. Vegeta couldn't wait for the dragonballs - he couldn't hold out that long. His ki had to be kept low now, so he wasn't strong enough to stand any more attempts by the Nameks. He had to rely on Bulma now.

"I'm not letting you give up."

Vegeta was too weak to fight anything anymore. They had gone over this many times. With his ki so low, he was totally helpless; even if he wanted to die, Goku would not kill him - and Vegeta wasn't strong enough to do it himself. Goku knew Vegeta thought he was alive only because that was what he wanted.

::No Vegeta. I know you are afraid, but I also know you don't really want to die. Your death is what Frieza wants.::

Vegeta looked at him with such despair - he had lost all hope and was holding on only for Goku's sake. And Goku felt horrible - was he being fair to Vegeta? But...he couldn't survive without his prince - their bond was too strong. His eyes burned as his tears started to fall. In order to protect everyone Vegeta loved they were both going to die. Vegeta would be sent to hell where Frieza would torture him again. He'd do anything to keep that from happening. He would die with his prince and join him in hell - Vegeta would not have to face him alone.

Goku held his prince tightly, breathing in his scent.

"I promise you, Makoto. I will not let anyone get hurt because of this. And if the only solution is death, I will..." he choked on a sob - he would have to do it. He would have to be the one to kill Vegeta.

TBC