Things Never Spoken: Don't let go 'til it Bleeds

Chapter 6

    As Renji sat in the barren cell he thought of many things. He thought of his tingling chest. He thought of dying. He thought of Rukia. It was disheartening to think of all the things he had to let go of. He didn’t want to die. He wasn’t some hopeless, depressed ninny that wanted it all to end; but in fact he wished by some miracle he would be saved. However, he was, and always had been a realist, and he knew miracles were nothing but coincidences that happened in your favor.

    He was making his peace. Ichigo would never understand. He doubted Rukia would either. Ironic, it was. His friends couldn’t understand , and the only son of a bitch that agreed with him was Byakuya, although for completely different motives.

    His captain’s words echoed in his mind even now. ‘I’m doing this because it needs to be done.’

    It was those words that convinced him to turn himself in. ‘I don’t want to hurt anyone else…’ he thought for the hundredth time as he sighed softly to himself in the dark cell.

    The drugs Urahara had given him were no longer effecting him, and his mind was crystal clear. He was slightly afraid of what would happen if he lost control again, but the prison bars gave him some measure of dependence. He had to keep himself calm, and remember what Ichigo had taught him in their brief training. He would fight for control if it came to that, but he hoped to whatever scornful angel that watched over him that it wouldn’t. He knew he couldn’t win against the Hollow.

    He was like a wall and the Hollow, like a chisel. In Ichigo’s case, the wall was solid, smooth, and polished. The chisel can’t find imperfections to gain a grip on. That’s what the boy had told him during their training. All the more reason, the vice-captain felt he could never win against it. Renji was not a wall that could wish stand the chisel. They were not made from the same stone. No. Renji’s wall was cracked, weathered, and damaged. Perhaps at one time it was a sturdy wall, when he had been much younger, but the years had taken their toll. Cracks run deep, edges become jagged, and grout becomes brittle. His chisel had an abundance of imperfections to choose from, and there was nothing he could do to repair the damage.

    He closed his eyes. He was doing what had to be done. He was doing the right thing. If this was the only way he could protect his friends… protect Rukia… He would give his life if it meant her safety, of that he had always known. He had never doubted his loyalty to her, even when they had been angry with one another. It was ironic in the end, he mused, it seemed the only kind thing he could ever give to her was his absence. He smiled, a wretched, painful smile, as if he was laughing at what a joke his life had been. Why had he been living his whole life in the shadow of a girl who barely came up to his waist… Beautiful Rukia. His hope and his curse. His cure and his poison. Dying for her… would not be hard for him, but living without her was certainly an impossible task. Maybe he was doing this because he was too selfish and afraid to face that reality, should it ever come to pass. He didn’t know, and he probably never would. All he knew, was he wanted to die, knowing he was still the man who remembered her, and not a monster. He was doing the right thing.


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    “Just let me in, please?” Rukia scowled at the man guarding the entrance to the cell block.

    The large man stuck out his chin and puckered his brow, “Kuchiki-Taichou gave me orders! Only medical personnel and captains. I’m sorry, really, I’d like to help, but my hands are tied.”

    The small girl frowned deeply, “Well… Well what’s going to happen?” she said trying to keep herself calm, “Did they say anything… about sentencing?” she asked, with eyes that were wide and still hopeful.

    The guard frowned, “Abarai Fuku-Taichou’s sentencing hasn’t been confirmed yet. You know… what‘s going to happen… we all do.” he said as he looked down at the childish-looking girl.

    Rukia bit her lip and crinkled her brow, “But… it’s Renji…” she said as her eyes suddenly became glossy.

    “Sorry, Kuchiki-sama…”

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    The following day, Renji’s sentence was formally announced to the squads. Renji stood on his chair as he allowed his hand to dangle out from the barred window, and he watched as a number of his squad members as well as some of his friends passed by. He could only see a small portion of the covered walk way, but he had no trouble distinguishing the people that appeared there. They all stopped and bowed respectfully to him before they disappeared from his sight. He frowned when Kira and Hinamori appeared. They sat  down for a time, dangling their feet from the side of the walk way. Renji managed a smile and a wave when they finally stood to go, but it seemed this only queued Hinamori to start crying.

    Shortly after that a face appeared that he hadn’t expected. Matsumoto stopped at the railing and watched him quietly. He puckered his brow and drew his hands back inside. She then surprised him by getting down on her knees and bowing low. She wiped the tears from her eyes before she hurriedly rushed away. She was sorry… he realized. He finally stepped down from the chair and slumped against the wall. It wasn’t right for her to be sorry to him. He was the villain, after all…
    
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    Sleep clawed his back with cold, jagged fingers, and it was all he could do to keep from sleeping. When he slept he found no relief from either fatigue or his restless mind. His dreams were saturated with the thoughts and desires of his inner Hollow. He was so tired, but the second he closed his eyes, blood and sex were painted on the back of his eyelids. Inevitably, however, his eyes drifted closed. He could feel the heavy stirring in his chest while he slept, but he could not find the strength to open his eyes. He saw himself standing before him. A cruel grin on his lips, and eyes that were black like coals. “Hello Renji. Did you think I wouldn‘t find you if you kept quiet?”

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    “Just take it easy, Rukia.” Ichigo said as he patted her shoulder gently as the pair sat on the side of his bed.

    “We can’t just let this happen!” she said, hiding her fear and sadness behind a new determination, “Ichigo, you got me out of prison.  Together we could-” she started, but was interrupted by the young man.

    “Renji turned himself in.” Ichigo said, “And it’s not the same as your situation was, Rukia…” he said sounding a little down. “Even if we went in there and busted him out, he’s still a Vizard. You don’t understand, because you weren’t there while we were training.”

    Rukia listened with wrinkled eyebrows as Ichigo spoke, “Tell me.” she said almost timidly.

    The orange haired boy sighed, “I just… His Hollow-self is cruel as any, and he’s scared that he’ll hurt someone that’s important to him. I know, because I felt the same way. It’s really hard, not being able to trust yourself.”

    “Do you feel that way too?” she asked as she looked up at him with those night sky blue eyes.

    Ichigo mused for a moment, “I trust myself. I believe that I will always be able to overcome him… I have to.” he said as he looked back at the girl at his side.
    
    Rukia’s resolve slipped and she lowered her eyes, “He can’t overcome…”

    “It’s funny, I always thought he was a pretty confident guy… I guess the Hollows show us who we really are.”

    “No.” she said, “He was that guy once… I remember. I know if he just has some time, he can do this.”

    “Rukia, He’s alrea-”

    “I’m telling you! I know Renji.” she said with a wavering voice, “He’s lost sight of himself. He just needs someone to help him remember. He‘s an arrogant, vulgar, stubborn, block-head… and he‘s about to be executed because some psychos did a science experiment on him.”

    Ichigo’s expression softened and he put his arm around her shoulder, “I know.”

    Rukia covered her crinkled face with her hands and turned to buried her face in the boy’s shirt, “Ichigo.” she whimpered, softly.
    
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    Panting… The red head shot upright and stumbled up to the bars of his cell, “Oy!” he yelled haggardly, “Someone!” His chest was so tight it felt like it was tearing open. It hurt. He clasped it as he slumped generously against the cell bars and tried to catch his breath. He was sweating profusely as he could feel the Hollow muddling in his head. He clenched his eyes closed and shook his head violently, “Stop it! Get out of my head!” he screamed as his footing was lost and he slipped down to one knee, still clinging to the bars.

    A guard trotted up as he heard the commotion and stopped in alarm when he saw the former vice captain in obvious distress. “A-Abarai Fuku-Taichou…” he said appearing to be at a loss of what to do.

    “Sedative…” Renji murmured. “Sedate me.”

    “I… I don’t have any seda-” the man started, but was interrupted harshly as Renji yelled.

    “Get me a fucking sedative!” he screamed, clenching the bars tight enough to cut his skin.

    The man jumped and nodded sharply before he swiftly ran for the forth squad.

    It seemed like an eternity before the guard again appeared outside the cell with help. Isane was obviously shocked to see Renji crumpled against the bars, shaking so horribly. “Oh goodness, Abarai-kun.”

    Renji thrust his arm through the bars, “Hurry.” he said with a quivering voice.

    The fourth squad vice captain knelt before him holding the vital syringe in her hand. Renji’s face pressed against the bars as his eyes followed the needle as it neared his skin, “Don’t… touch my skin.” he spoke as she drew near.

    Isane nodded before she pushed the needle into his sweat-slicked flesh careful not to touch him. As the liquid disappeared from the vile, the room fell quiet, with only the harsh breathing of the tattooed man resonating off the walls.

    Renji’s arm fell back down at his side and he gave a short moan as he felt the Hollow’s grip tightening on his mind. ‘It’s not working’ he thought as he tried desperately to hold off the Hollow long enough for the drugs to take effect. ‘It’s not working’’ The Hollow echoed back to him with a smile. “It’s not enough.” he said as his body shook with the tension.
    
    “If I give you anymore, it could kill you!” Isane said seeming genuinely scared for him.

    “I don’t care!” he said sounding positively desperate, “I need more! Hurry!” Renji shouted as his breathing became increasingly erratic.

    “Abarai-kun…” Isane frowned as she finally reached for the medicine bottle and drew more into the syringe.  

    Renji couldn’t move enough to put his arm back out of the bars, he was so wrapped up in his fight. Every muscle in his body was as tense as a bow string, and Isane swallowed as she reached through the bars and carefully lifted his sleeve.

    Something snapped then and in an instant the medical shinigami felt strong hands grab her arms and yank her into the bars. Her eyes went wide as she saw black and gold eyes staring back into her own, and a sneer crumpled his features as he gave another hard yank. The bars gave way and she felt herself fly through the air surrounded by a flurry of clanks and whirls as the broken bars fell around her. The guard gave a high yelp as he realized what was happening.
    
    The Hollow mask was slow to form as he stepped out from the hole in the broken bars, gold eyes darting to the guard. The man ran for dear life as those horrid eyes found him, and Renji scowled as he followed leisurely behind.
    
    “H-Help! Abarai‘s loose! I need a captain!” The man screamed as he ran down the hall in a panic, looking back over his shoulder nervously at the advancing red-head.

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    Byakuya stood poised at the end of the hall as he laid eyes on the escaped Renji. The hollowfied shinigami sneered as he tossed an unworthy opponent through one of the glass windows that lined the hallway. Renji turned at the feeling of his captain’s reiatsu, revealing the partial white mask that had appeared on the left side of his face. He smiled as he saw the familiar deadpan mug focused so intently on him.

    “Taichou!” he called as he kicked a man laying in his path out of the way, “I was hoping you’d show up.”

    The sixth squad captain observed the mess of bodies that lay strewn down the hallway. Some retained a grasp of life, others were less fortunate… Either way, as it was, the Hollow was eager to inflict as  much damage as he could. His black, hateful eyes reached out to Byakuya with murderous intent, and the captain felt prickles run up the back of his neck.

    Narrowing his eyes, Byakuya swiftly drew his sword, leaving no time to formalities as he dispersed Senbonzakura in a glimmer of color. “If you won’t be peacefully contained ,then I have no choice but to kill you, Renji... Apologies”

    The Hollow mask covered most of the vice captain’s face now, but as the pedal-like blades moved to encompass him, suddenly he vanished from Byakuya’s sights. Appearing again a hair’s width from the shorter man’s ear, “Apologize to someone who believes you’re sincere.”  he growled as he swung his fist down hard across his captain’s shoulder.

    The noble swordsman tried to evade, but was only able to avoid a more serious blow.

    “Fast” Byakuya through as he righted himself at a safe distance from his former vice captain.
    
    “Surprised you?” The Hollow cackled, “It will be my greatest pleasure making you bleed, Taichou… actually I‘d like to take my time killing you. Savor the moment, you know.”

    The sixth squad captain scowled at the masked man in front of him. “You are nothing but a blood-mad Hollow. I will obligingly end your suffering.” His hand flew forward and a flood of cherry blades danced ahead in it’s wake. Renji darted back from the attack, quickly crashing through the window and outside. Byakuya started to move forward, but as he took a step, suddenly the window to his left shattered as the Hollow came dashing back in with a red, swirling energy poised in his hand.
    
    “Cero.” Byakuya’s eyes grew wide and he flash stepped out of the Hollow’s path. However, as he landed at a distance, he turned, only to see that same white mask meeting his eyes. Renji laughed as the cero blazed from his hand and burst in a merciless fury.

    As the smoke and debris cleared Byakuya stood, panting lightly, his right sleeve was torn off and exposed was a pale, bleeding arm. He sneered as his eyes remained fixed on the Hollow in front of him.
    
    “Not bad for my first cero, ay? You should be proud. Couldn‘t have done it without ya, Taichou. You‘re a great motivator.” Renji smirked under his mask.
    
    “Enough! This ends now.” the captain all but snarled as Renji was swarmed with the endless blades of Senbonzakura.
    
    Blood flew as the Hollow screamed in frustration and agony, but as Byakuya’s hand was outstretched to control the swarming flurry of blades, Renji suddenly rushed at him. The Captain’s eyes went wide in surprise as the Hollow ran at him even as Senbonzakura tore at his flesh like a swarm of hungry piranha. Before the noble could react he felt coarse fingers clasp his throat and clamp down tight. He felt the constriction immediately before both of them toppled to the damaged wood floor with a thud. The captain’s slate grey eyes bore angrily into the now exposed face of his former vice captain. Pieces of the mask continually fell away as Senbonzakura continued to tear away at him, but his grip only tightened on his superior’s neck.

    “You can mince me to nothing but a bloody pulp… but I swear if I die I will take you with me, you son of a bitch.” Renji growled as the mask crumbled away and blood spilled down his limbs and back, but still those black and gold eyes remained fixated on the crumpled face in front of him.
    
    Byakuya led out a choked sound as he felt a slight panic surge through his mind.
    
    “Did you think I didn’t remember-- or that I would forget?! All I wanted… was to see her. She is not yours! She is mine! Do you hear?! Rukia is mine!” He screamed as Senbonzakura ceased attacking and rematerialized in the distressed noble’s hand.
    
    Renji gasped as he felt the razor-sharp blade ram through his side and out his back. His grip loosened for a second before it returned full force, never allowing a breath to enter the detestable man‘s lungs. Blood erupted from Renji’s mouth as his vision began to blur and slowly the black in his eyes melted away, to be replaced with the normal white of a sane man.
    
    The captain suffocating under his tremendous strangle hold was beginning to turn blue as he struggled for a breath, but no relief came to the anguished captain as Renji held fast, with hands that were locked like the jaws of a bull dog.

    Kicking slightly as his body went into panic, the sixth squad captain drew his sword up in a last ditch effort to save himself. Swiping the blade deep across the underside of Renji’s wrists, he cut his own neck, but as the tendons were severed, the vice-like hands went lax, and Byakuya gasped in glorious agony as he felt the air hit his lungs and proceeded into a coughing fit that would put Ukitake to shame.

    Renji was rolled onto his side as he felt his body growing increasingly heavy while he watched a pool of red growing around him. Listening to the sounds of Byakuya coughing and the thundering footsteps of approaching squad-members, Renji’s dazed mind began to wrap itself around what had just occurred. His greatest hope was that when the approaching black fog in his mind seized him, he would never again wake up to know what he had done.